New Year State of Mind

There have been times when I really empathised with Scrooge.  It used to be that from mid December onwards I would wake at 3am in a state of anxiety and thinking "I can't wait for it to be over". I'd start fantasizing about the 6th January when the whole festive thing would be done, decorations gone and life back to 'normal'.

So a few years ago, when I found myself falling in to a stressed out state in the middle of the night - again -  I decided that there had to be a better way of experiencing Christmas than this.  I decided to focus on how I would feel when life was 'back to normal'.   I imagined how I would be calm, relaxed, happy and with a clear sense of direction. Then I had a brainwave 'why not just bring that mind-set forward to now?'  Of course I still had a great deal to do before Christmas and whilst I couldn't change the fact that Christmas was happening, I could change my attitude towards it.

So I brought my New Year State of Mind forward by a few weeks and discovered that it helped lower my stress levels and, as a result, my thinking got clearer.  I became more efficient, more time seemed to create itself (even though I was never busier) and everything got done more easily. Best of all, I had a great time!  Christmas Day and Boxing Day were full of family, food and celebrations.  I felt really present, much more able to relax and enjoy the chaos.  Christmas became a magical time again and was much more fun.

Somethings you can't change, but you can change your attitude to it. I learnt a great lesson about the power of the mind. Think of a challenging situation, think about the positive feelings you will feel when it is over and bring that state of mind forward to the present to help you work through the challenge.  

Now I am going to apply it to the ironing!  And the fitness programme.... And the tax return .....

Don't Get Even - Get Happy

After 23 years of marriage, Samantha’s husband asked for a divorce.   Even though she had known they hadn't been happy for years, she was in a great deal of emotional pain and felt like she wanted to punish everyone around her.   She had even caught herself thinking about death and imagining herself dying of breast cancer as revenge.  

These thoughts scared her but as we explored them together she began to recognise that wanting to be ill was one way of trying to show others how hurt she was. She felt isolated and yet her pain and inner conflict made it hard for people to be around her. Their distance increased her feelings of pain and separation.  She felt her life was contracting.

Working together we did an emotional audit on her life and Samantha realized that the feelings of loss and rejection were much older than from just her divorce, she had often felt excluded and forgotten throughout her childhood and her deepest belief was that she was a failure. 

By working through the pain of the past and focusing on positive personal goals Samantha felt able to decide that rather than death being her best revenge, feeling successful, more wholehearted and learning to communicate her feelings more effectively would be a better outcome.

Samantha began her own healing journey and, as her confidence and self-worth grew, enrolled on a hairdressing course and now runs a successful salon. Whilst there is still some  emotional ‘scar tissue’ around her divorce, her relationship with her ex-husband is kinder, her children are less anxious around her and she recognizes that her life and relationships are improving as a result of choosing a goal that has helped her own personal growth and development.

Whether you are struggling to make sense of events - or are keen to make the most of your own change of heart - Relationship Training offers innovative and practical life skills coaching and courses to empower you to live your best life.

Getting in the Mudra - relationship yoga for core stability.

When stress hits your relationship do you snap or do you bend over backwards? Learning to be flexible and yet stay strong is an important skill for healthy relationships.


My yoga teacher talks about the minimum and the maximum edge. The minimum edge starts when your body registers a change, you feel a bit of a stretch but it's not too challenging. Then, with gentle movements and awareness of the breath, you go as close to your maximum edge as you can. There's a bit discomfort, muscles may be juddering, and focusing on the breath helps to hold the pose and maintain any dignity.  At the end, though, your body has stretched and the feelings of ease, space, inner strength and flexibility are glorious.


To achieve the same outcome in relationships it is necessary to do some emotional yoga.  The first stage is to understand the transition process which has three states: Comfort, Stretch and Panic. 

Comfort is familiar; nothing challenging but not much growth or learning either.  

Stretch involves a move into the unfamiliar; it feels both scary and exciting going into the unknown - this is the realm of the minimum and maximum edge.


Panic means you're far from your comfort zone, easily overwhelmed and destabilized. Some people love the Panic Zone, believing it makes them feel alive, but it is usually a cover-up for unresolved feelings that surface in the Comfort zone.  If you come out of the Comfort zone with all guns blazing - finding huge distractions that keep you busy or mistaking high stress for living life to the full -  you are more likely to hit burn out and will have missed the chance to Stretch and build a strong, sustainable core.


Get things moving.
When you your relationship is in Stretch it feels great and you find that even challenging situations can be handled with ease. You don't have to work so hard to feel the connection, communication is easier, inspiration and creativity flow.  Issues still come and go, but the relationship can handle anything because there is the flexibility, core strength, self-awareness -  and a willing attitude.

If you're stagnating and feel that your relationship is floundering or you are just plain bored - you're stuck in Comfort and it's time to Stretch.  When relationships get stuck here I often suggest telling your partner that you're bored.  It is, however, vital that you explain you are saying this not because you want to start a fight or hurt their feelings, but because you want things to be better and are willing to work on it.  If you want things to start moving without either party getting hurt, it is also important to learn effective communication skills - being able to talk and listen with openness and a willingness to learn about yourself and each other.

Flexible and Strong
When you both feel stimulated, inspired, energized and connected - congratulations, you are in Stretch - you could work that feeling to the maximum edge! Use the good feelings you have here to work on your relationship.  If there are any difficult conversations to be had, or issues to be resolved - now is the time!  You will have to address them at some point and its better to do it using the positive vibes of love and understanding that abound in this state.  



Reduce the overload
When the relationship has gone beyond it's maximum edge,  stress increases the distance and there is danger of collapse,.  There may be money problems, constant arguments, affairs, addictive behaviour - and the demands on time leave no space for connection.   

It only needs one partner to be aware of being in the Panic zone to help the relationship regain stability.   Rather like the emergency procedure on an plane, you are advised to put your own oxygen mask on first.  Work on reducing your stress and by bringing yourself back inside the maximum edge first.  Slow down, find your own emotional equilibrium, get some understanding of what is really going on - then start communicating!  Trying to sort things out when both of you are in the Panic Zone means you are unlikely to sort things out successfully in the long term and the fight will just go round and round.

Depending on what is going on in your life, our training events can move you gently out of the Comfort Zone or help you pull back from Panic - allowing you to work at your best in your best state.


What needs to happen for you to be in Stretch?  Here's what people are saying about our 'relationship yoga'.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 9

Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.  Norman MacEwan

Sharing food is an act of love that brings people together for a common purpose: to connect.  As you prepare the food for Christmas, whether its the bread sauce for the turkey, the mince pies and brandy butter, or warming up the M&S delights - open your heart and pour love into the preparations.  Think of your work as the highest expression of your true nature; regardless of your culinary skills, it will have a profound effect on the meal.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 8

The important thing is this: to be ready at any moment to sacrifice what you are for what you could become.  Charles Dickens

When the heat is on and you find yourself coming to a boil and about to erupt - quickly find something to help you change your state.  It could be something as daft as dancing on the spot, as simple counting backwards from 10, or as accessible as taking three full breaths  - anything that breaks the stress circuit in your body and creates a new neural pathway to inner calm.  The more you do this the stronger the new pattern will become, the easier it will be to reach your true potential.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 6
One Christmas, heavily pregnant and exhausted, I was cheered by the thought of the gift I believed I was getting from my husband.  I had seen a large box he had hidden and was excited and thrilled at the thought that he was giving me a computer.  That Christmas morning he was filming us (he got a camera!) and focussed in on me as I opened my present.  As I open the gift a silence descended.  I looked at the camera, my eyes filled with tears. 
'You got me a ... microwave?'  

The home video shows the camera shaking.  

When things get tense and you think 'one day I'll laugh about this', don't wait - start now! 

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 5
'Christmas is coming, roll on Twelfth Night' is what you might be thinking, but you can use the power of your mind to work this to your advantage.  Imagine how you will be feeling when Christmas is over; exaggerate the feelings of relief, calm, the sense of freedom and bring that state of mind to the present time.  
There is no past or future - only the present, and you have the power to choose how you experience the now.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 4
Is there someone you are dreading seeing over Christmas? Someone you fear might start an argument, or with whom you have unresolved issues?   Every time you think of them, visualize them feeling peaceful and loving toward themselves, you and the world around them.  
You can't change other people, but you can change the way you think about them.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No 1
As you get ready for Christmas remember to set your intention for the kind of attitude YOU want to have.  Give yourself 10 minutes of quiet time every day to focus on your vision for Christmas.  
Envisage harmony, ease, happiness, see yourself feeling calm and enjoying the day - no matter what happens.  
Setting your intention has a powerful effect on the sub-conscious mind and will influence your attitude and ability to create a successful outcome. 

Appreciation - the bridge builder

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.   
Cicero

Appreciation and gratitude are a powerful forms of communication.  They deepen the connection and strengthen bonding, trust and intimacy.  They are the antidote to fear, perfectionism and indifference.

We all love being noticed and appreciated, but learning to do the same for others sometimes takes practice. 

Don't make the mistake of assuming someone knows you appreciate them -  express it to them, you'll be amazed at the results.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Essence of Destiny

To change your world, change the way you experience it:

Watch your Thoughts, for they become words.

Choose your Words, for they become actions.

Understand your Actions, for they become habits.

Study your Habits, for they become your character.

Develop your Character, for it becomes your Destiny.

                                                                                    Anon

The secret to happiness?

Happy Bunnies!

My 3 Top Tips for Relationships


I was recently asked what, in my experience, are the three most effective skills needed to successfully resolve relationship issues.  These are the ones that will have the most profound results.

1. Take 100% responsibility for what is happening in your life.

This requires some work. Most of the time when there is a problem in a relationship, its easier to run a cycle of blame and criticism but, as a result, nothing really changes. You take responsibility by becoming curious: what am I being asked to learn from this, how can I see this differently?  100% responsibility - not blame or guilt -  means building a new level of awareness and emotional intelligence.  It is empowering and creates a new attitude to life and relationships.

2. Learn to speak the other person's language.

Misunderstandings often happen because you assume the other person thinks and feels just like you. Whilst we are more alike than we are different, how we receive and process information depends on our inner and outer circumstances. Learn how to communicate in a language your partner understands and you'll be amazed how quickly things can improve!


3. Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance
10% of the pain experienced in relationships is from the events that are happening now and 90% comes from our past.  Present upsets will trigger old wounds and hurts - many much older than the relationship.  When we heal our old wounds we are able to address and communicate the present issues with greater clarity and understanding.  Forgiveness - of the past, of ourselves and others - is a key ingredient in a loving relationship.
  

Commitment in relationship means commitment to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness, no matter how many conversations need to be had, or how difficult those conversations may be.  Marianne Williamson


Keep Talking!

'Take care of the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves'

A few months ago I received an email that sent me into a real tailspin, it appeared an invoice was overdue and I owed money.  I was really worried because normally I pay my bills on time and, if I had forgotten to pay quite a serious amount of money, it must mean that I was not on top of things financially.

This last year I’ve been working with a specific coaching process that harnesses the power of metaphor to develop creativity and increase self-awareness.  When it comes to numbers I feel like a really bad rabbit farmer, the rabbits (representing numbers/money) keep escaping, digging under the fences and getting mixed up - with horrible consequences.   I quickly reach a state of panic and feel out of control with no idea what to do.  What I want is to feel calm, ordered and confident around the subject.

When you want to change your internal state a good question to ask is 'what would I like to have happen?' In answer to my own question, I needed the 'rabbits' to be less mobile, more like …. fruit trees! 


I could farm fruit instead of rabbits!  


I developed the metaphor further:  my business finances would be pears, household finances apples and personal finances soft fruits. That way there would be no mixing things up - although the mixing could be delicious rather than chaotic - also, I could increase the yield, enjoy the harvest and even create extra revenue with jams, juices etc - not to mention benefitting the environment by encouraging bees and insects and creating shelter for birds etc.. 


As soon as I created this image in my mind the anxiety levels dropped and I could feel myself gaining clarity  - I actually started to get excited about how I could make it work.  I was able to calmly go through my books and found the payment had been overlooked by their bookkeeper – it was like I had won the lottery!  

Alongside the delight and relief, I recognised that changing the metaphor had not just lowered my anxiety, it made me see it was time to give up always feeling so inadequate around numbers.  I knew much of my fear came from old beliefs developed as a child struggling in maths lessons and decided that it didn't have to stay like that.  I am working with my new image every day, creating a strong inner picture of my orchard and have started to collect magazine cuttings to anchor it in my subconscious mind.  On a practical level I have enrolled myself on an accounting and bookkeeping course for January and it feels empowering to take control of those fears and no longer have them disempower me. 

With Relationship Training we use many creative and effective techniques to harness the power of your mind and help you unleash your potential.  Don’t let the past rule your future.  Whether its relationships, finances, health or life in general, ask yourself: What would I like to have happen?

Something for the weekend.

How to beat the winter blues.

The clocks go back this weekend – an event that coincides with my birthday and, this year, a planting spree in our garden.  I love the idea that the birthday present I am giving myself this year is a glorious spring and summer next year and happy times for the bees.  Daffodils, bluebells and snowdrops bulbs will be buried in the soil along with beautiful young plants around our newly dug pond and cleared flowerbeds.

This pattern of winter and summer, dark and light is an ancient – and important - part of our psyche.  In Greek mythology Demeter the goddess of earth, agriculture and fertility is associated with the seasons. Her daughter Persephone was abducted by Hades to be his wife in the underworld. In her anger at the loss of her daughter, Demeter laid a curse on the world that caused plants to wither and die. The land became desolate.  Zeus became alarmed and sought Persephone's return. However, because she had eaten while in the underworld Hades had a claim on her. Therefore, it was decreed that Persephone would spend four months each year in the underworld. During these months Demeter grieves her daughter’s absence and withdraws her gifts from the world, creating winter.  Demeter's delight in Persephone's return brings the Spring and an abundance of growth, celebration and – ultimately - harvest.

Planting new ideas for relationships. 

The same pattern occurs in relationships, we have those glorious Springs and the enjoyment of Summer – then something happens to create a distance and we slide into a cooler Autumn and can find ourselves stuck in never-ending Winter.  However if, when we notice the ‘cooling off’, we take a new approach and change our attitude,  plant new ideas, set new intentions, as we work through the darker phases of our relationships we can bring  a new lease of life to them.

If the thought of the long winter months ahead fill you with dread – plan for the spring.  Relationship Training will enable you to set yourself goals this winter that will change the way you view your world.

Happy Planting!

For real gardening guidance:  www.janetbligh.co.uk

Living, learning, loving.

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, she learns to be shy.

If a child learns to feel shame, she learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, she learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.

Dorothy Law Neite

Stop Look Listen – 3 simple tips for relationship.

Don’t stumble blindly through your relationships. These simple tools will reap amazing benefits both to you and those you love.


I remember when STOP LOOK LISTEN became part of a road safety campaign (yes, that shows my age!). Those three words are still great instructions for crossing the road safely; they are also powerful principles to apply to relationships. When stress levels are high remembering to STOP LOOK LISTEN might save a life!

STOP: Stressful situations can be diffused and wonderful moments can be cherished by learning to stop and name the situation you are having. Identifying whether you are having a ‘pleasant’ or ‘unpleasant’ experience – rather than categorizing it as good or bad – is like pressing a pause button, it gives you a moment to gather your thoughts, to reflect and choose an appropriate plan of action.

LOOK: The spoken word makes up just 7% of communication and behaviour communicates many of our hidden thoughts and feelings. Learning to be observant of both your outer and inner circumstances – how you are feeling and behaving as well as how those around you are acting, will make your choices about what to do and say more effective.

LISTEN: Effective listening is a powerful skill in relationship. Listening within, to the voice of intuition as well as the voice of fear, and also learning to listen deeply to those around you, allows you to resolve conflicts and heal misunderstandings more easily and to move into a deeper level of relationship and connection.


Don't keep running blindly across your life - slowing down and paying attention will help you handle things better when it's tricky and, when you're in the flow,  enjoy life even more.  

Lessons for Life

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old columnist for the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio:

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Say it, Baby, one more time.

"Fighting couples say they have 100s of arguments, but really its the same argument 100s of times" Gay Hendricks

So how do you stop the merry-go-round of arguments? There is a very simple technique and its easy to apply, it just requires a bit of willingness. Those arguments run and run due to a misunderstanding. If you start by practicing reflective listening you can break the cycle.

For example, try and guess which response might be more effective:

A "I am so sick of you taking me for granted"

B "What do you mean, I cooked last night's meal!" or "You feel taken for granted."?

A "I'm exhausted and just don't feel you understand what it takes to keep everything running smoothly"

B ""For crying out loud, don't you think I'm tired too?!" or "So let me understand this, you are struggling to keep on top of things, you are low on energy and feel unappreciated."?

If you remain open and are willing to learn to compassionately reflect back what you have heard, your partner will feel heard. This has a calming effect on the relationship dynamics thus creating greater potential for resolution.

Just repeating back parrot fashion might result in a frying pan on the back of the head - so use this tool with compassion! Don't just repeat back to prove you have heard. Reflective listening gives your partner the message that what they say is important to you, but remember to listen with your heart as well as your ears.

Things NOT to do when your relationship is in trouble...

When things get difficult in a relationship it can be tempting to get busy rather than address what is really going on.  If you suspect things are going so well between you here are some things NOT to do:




Redecorate: the decision to move, redecorate or take on a building project feels like a good idea, it is often driven by a sub-conscious desire to inject some energy into the relationship, but it's only papering over the cracks. The issues will still be there long after you have paid the bills.

Go on holiday with others: whilst the distraction of other people can take the focus off your own misery, the atmosphere of a struggling relationship creates stress that can sour the relaxation factor.

Go shopping: there may be bargains to be found, and it is a distraction from the pain you are in, but rarely is there long-term enjoyment from the items bought, or the debt incurred.

Eat, drink and party: as with all the above, the issues will still be there after the hangover, weight gain and exhaustion, plus you will feel even worse about yourself.

Change your partner: you will eventually meet the same old tears on a new background.

Most of the time we will do anything to avoid addressing painful issues in a relationship. If you find yourself planning any kind of distracting activity, ask yourself what feeling are you avoiding. All of the above - and many other strategies - can be compensations to avoid the deeper feelings that, left unaddressed, will sabotage your happiness and affect your relationships. 

Our behaviour is driven by feelings and emotions,  when you understand what drives your behaviour and begin to heal the underlying pain, the building project, holiday, shopping spree or party becomes a celebration of love rather than a compensation for heartache.

Setting the Scene for a New Year

When Susanna was going through a really rough time earlier this year I talked to her about beginning to decide what SHE wanted for her life. She started to put some goals down and shocked herself the other day when she found the list and realised she had achieved 80% of them, without – it seemed – much effort.  I helped her to see that once we give the power of the outcome to our Higher Mind, there is very little effort needed.  Which is why it is important to set goals.  It helps us make a change in our consciousness.  We are making choices all the time – everything we do we are 100% successful in, so we need to be more aware of the level of awareness from which we are making our goals.  For example, if we believe deep down that we aren’t worth it, we will begin to make decisions that lead to events and outcomes that confirm that belief.  It can be hard to address those beliefs at times, but a quick way of changing things around is to set goals.

Successful people are goal-oriented and setting goals helps you to stand out in your world, to take your life out of the ordinary.  By identifying what you want - and setting goals to achieve it –you can change your life!

There are many ways you can do this but I wanted to give you some easy pointers.  Just as an exercise in self discovery ask yourself :

How do I want to be?

What do I want to do?

What do I want to have?

I did that the other day and have just looked at my list again, it seemed terrifying when I first wrote it, but now I am excited about the things I wrote down, and it doesn’t look so difficult.  Infact, I realise that today I did something to enable one of those things to happen – see what I mean about no effort!?

See website www.relationshiptraining.co.uk for details on our next workshop on goals: 

 2009 - A Fresh Start