Relationship Breakdown - 5 steps to recovery

The end of an era is also the start of something new,  developing new life-skills from painful experiences helps you build the confidence to create exciting plans for the future.

It is never easy to process the feelings of heartbreak at the end of a relationship, but working with these five steps will help give you a fresh perspective on your world and your place in it.  

Step one:  Accept the change.  The greatest pain comes from resisting the change in circumstances.  We try to claw back the past, unpicking how things went wrong and trying to desperately figure out how to get things back on track.  Recognise that your life will change and commit to using it to move you forward, not hold you back.  

Step two:  Let go.  Write down everything you value, list everything you don’t enjoy.  Write down all the pain, hurt and anger you feel.   Write down everything that you love and hate - about yourself and others; what you’re good at, what you can’t do.  List all your hopes and dreams. Then burn it and let it go!  Keep letting go, every day, until something changes.  When you are willing to let go of it all, you change your internal state and make room for possibilities.

Step three:  Understand the power of the mind.  If you want to change something, change the way you think about it.  Your mind is a powerful resource; investing its power in trust that everything will work out well in the end, rather than in fear that it’s the end of everything, helps you to find the inner strength and resources to emerge stronger and more confident. Use the situation as an opportunity to embrace change and learn to live wholeheartedly.  Its like any exercise, the more you do it the easier it becomes.  

Step four:  Re-commit to your life.  Feeling that this event has taken away your self-worth or your confidence is a sign that, along the way, you lost yourself in the relationship.  Now is a great opportunity for you to commit to your personal growth.  No-one is responsible for your happiness except you.  Someone may trigger feelings but the source of your pain is always much older than the present event.  Use this situation as a chance to free yourself from childhood heartbreak and watch your confidence grow as you rediscover your authentic self.

The final step:  Look beyond the ordinary.   A crisis gives us an opportunity to open up new levels of thinking and to see the bigger picture.  Lighting a candle and spending some time each day in quiet meditation, walking in nature or reaching out to someone in greater need can help us to reconnect to a power greater than ourselves.  Asking for help from this realm could create a miracle you never thought possible!  

More training and helpful insights available at Relationship Training.  Call Kim 07789 408378

Surviving Infidelity

Can a relationship recover from infidelity?  Yes, but both partners have to be willing to do whatever it takes to work through the issues that led to the affair in the first place.   Each needs to learn to forgive, improve communication skills and develop greater emotional intelligence.

Commitment

Shame, guilt and hurt are big emotional hurdles to get through, but if you have the courage and willingness to address and communicate about everything, it is possible to build a stronger, more loving and committed relationship than ever before,

Take 100% responsibility

Affairs don’t ‘just happen’.  It is often the case that the person to have the affair is not the first person to leave the relationship.  When you explore the relationship’s history there is usually an unresolved event in the past that created distance between the couple.  If they can’t talk about it, the disconnection grows so much that, when circumstances present themselves, the gulf makes it possible for an affair to happen.  The relationship can get caught in arguments about who is to blame, but when each takes responsibility for the emotions and behaviour that created the distance in the relationship and learn to communicate and work through differences, things can move on to the next stage: rebuilding trust.

Let go of the dream.

Let go of the old relationship and build a new one from scratch.  Most times people go and do this with a new partner, because a relationship can’t move forward if either person is holding on to the past. Holding on to a dream of how things could have been, or the nightmare of how much you have hurt or been hurt, looking backwards with regret or blame will kill off any hope for the future. Old habits and feelings will continue to surface, but consciously focussing on what you want for the relationship and learning how to work together to create it, will help you both move through painful issues. 

No Bad Guys.

Guilt eats away at the relationship. The person who feels guilty works hard to regain the respect and trust of their partner, but the guilt means they can’t enjoy any rewards for their ‘good behaviour’.  They feel ashamed, unworthy and start to withdraw believing they don't deserve to be forgiven, the injured party is already feeling hurt and insecure and becomes suspicious of the distance between them.  If no-one understands what is going on and no effort is made to deal with the underlying emotions and issues, there will be temptation and maybe a repeat of the infidelity - or the relationship flounders and dies a painful death.

Working on the premise that there are no bad guys - even though there may have been bad behaviour - and learning to forgive is a process that takes time and courage.  You’ll know when you are through it when there is no longer an emotional charge and the relationship feels lighter  – and you may even be able to laugh about it!

We have Relationship Revival coaching programmes for individuals and couples to improve  communication skills, rebuild confidence and trust and restore intimacy.