5 Daily Habits for Successful Relationships

Simple principles to help your relationship flourish.

1.     Commit to the relationship!
There is an art to commitment, it doesn’t mean just sticking around.  Commitment simply means making the other person’s success and well-being as important to you as your own.  Doing so creates an environment where problems and difficulties are more easily addressed.   Committing to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness, no matter how many conversations it takes or how uncomfortable it gets, makes a relationship a safe place to deal with anything that comes up.

2.  Communicate openly and honestly.

When we feel something strongly and either don’t have the courage or the know-how to express it, it puts the relationship under strain.  To be open and honest you have to research how you are feeling and learn to communicate it skillfully. Telling the truth doesn’t need to be unkind but withholding information can also be used to wound another. Honest and open communication is a life-long learning process and strengthens the relationship.

3. Learn the art of forgiveness.

Blame and criticism erode the relationship. You may not be aware of being critical or complaining, although you may be aware of it in your partner! Remember, it takes two to run a cycle of blame and complaint, but only one to break it.  Find new and creative ways to communicate what does and doesn’t work for you, and take full responsibility for what is going on for you within the relationship.   You can change virtually anything you want in the relationship by breaking your own patterns and cycles.  

4.  Do things that make you happy.

Its time to get a life!  By doing things that you find stimulating and fulfilling you create you feel inspired, which brings fresh energy and life to the relationship. Everyone needs something that gives them meaning, that motivates them and gives them purpose.  Making the other person your reason for living is like being an emotional vampire, you'll suck the relationship dry!  We all have to find our own unique contribution and feel fulfilled by it and trying to find validation through our partner’s achievements will only lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment, which erode trust and confidence. 

5. Express your appreciation.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel, it is important for you and for them that it is communicated. When expressing appreciation make it genuine, personal and specific to the other person and do it as often and as creatively as you can! It may be something you say, something you do or even something you stop doing, but letting someone know how much you appreciate them could make their day - and yours.

If you need support working on these daily habits, why not try a Family@Heart course?  It's a great way to help you put these principles into action.  New courses starting in September. Contact me to book your place.

Reconnection

She stumbled to the edge of vulnerability.
I'm scared, she cried.
Me too, he declared.
They sat on opposite sides of the divide and wept.

She stumbled to the edge of vulnerability.
I'm scared, she wept.
Me too, he sobbed.
You'll judge me, she said.
I'm not enough, he whispered.
I've made mistakes, she confessed.
I've got it wrong, he announced.
And together they rebuilt the bridge
.

Happy Families

The hardest relationship issues to address can be those that surface within our families. If you have a misunderstanding in your family here are three easy steps you can take to open up fresh possibilities and get the relationship on to a new footing.

1. Understand how you feel.

Your feelings drive your behaviour, and if you have no idea what you are feeling you will not be conscious of how you are behaving or how much those feelings are influencing not only what you say but how you say it. Becoming more aware of your own feelings and taking responsibility for them will reduce the blame and criticism game that stops effective communication. If you feel too full of emotion to communicate with kindness, sit down and write your feelings out. Then burn it. Giving vent helps and not dumping it on someone stops the cycle of hurt and upset.

2. Be willing to change.

Relationships are like sharks, they have to keep moving or they die. Being stubborn and wanting to stay right or remain feeling wronged means there is no opportunity for anything to change. When you see a disagreement or misunderstanding as an opportunity to grow and learn, you will unleash creative ideas for solutions.

3. Practice forgiveness.

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness is simply the willingness to set yourself free and live your life wholeheartedly.  There are lots of simple practices you can do to start this process: visualisations, meditations, affirmations, which will help you develop the courage and stamina to put forgiveness into action.   

When you work on building loving and supportive relationships everyone benefits from the change.

Keep growing.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 11
Depending on your circumstances wrapping presents can be a chore or a delight. 

Rather than worrying about whether the gift you have bought will be enough/well received/suitable, as you write the label list all the qualities you admire about the recipient - kindness, sense of humour, generosity, supportive etc.  

Alongside the present, they will receive a gift  from you that will sustain them all year long - and the label could be the most precious thing they receive this Christmas.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 9

Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.  Norman MacEwan

Sharing food is an act of love that brings people together for a common purpose: to connect.  As you prepare the food for Christmas, whether its the bread sauce for the turkey, the mince pies and brandy butter, or warming up the M&S delights - open your heart and pour love into the preparations.  Think of your work as the highest expression of your true nature; regardless of your culinary skills, it will have a profound effect on the meal.

How to avoid going Christmas Crackers - Daily tips for staying sane in the run up to Christmas.

Tip No. 4
Is there someone you are dreading seeing over Christmas? Someone you fear might start an argument, or with whom you have unresolved issues?   Every time you think of them, visualize them feeling peaceful and loving toward themselves, you and the world around them.  
You can't change other people, but you can change the way you think about them.

A little breather: the key to a relaxing summer

  
Money worries, health issues and relationship problems are registered by the brain as a threat to our survival.  Adrenalin floods the body so that you will have the necessary energy to deal with the 'enemy' - to either fight it or run from it.  


In order to focus on survival, this response over-rides the thinking brain - hence the expression 'I don't know what I was thinking'. You really didn't!  The fight or flight response prevents you from hearing the quiet inner voice that could help you find effective solutions.  


Don't despair - there is a way out.  It is very simple, free and easy to use - the only requirement is that you practice.  


The other good news is that it research has shown that only 100 minutes of practise will put you in charge of your brain's responses.  With just under 2 hours training, you can calm your mind, lower your stress and give yourself a break from relentless fear and worry.


Breathing.  In and out.  Over and again.


To give yourself a breather: focus on your nose and as you breathe in through your nose imagine it as a dial turning your inner state down from panic on the in breath to calm on the out breath. The breath comes in one nostril, out the other.  From panic to calm.  In and out, over and again.


You'll forget and your mind will wander off.  You'll find yourself overthinking again.  It happens, everyone does it.  


Just remember your nose again and go back to the breath and turn the dial down.  Everytime you forget, you'll remember again.  Don't beat yourself up for forgetting, congratulate yourself for remembering - and give yourself a little breather.  


In and out.  Over and again.


For more information on the benefits of becoming mindful, make yourself an cup of tea, find yourself a spare hour and listen to Chaede-Meng Tan's sweet, funny and important message on creating world peace through inner peace!

Quiet the Mind is a brilliant guide to meditation by Matthew Johnstone. You can remember the strong pictorial instructions with your eyes are closed!

Love Lines #12: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Embracing the Feminine  
Feminine energy is the quality that allows relationships to flourish.  It is creative, receptive, loving, patient, understanding, intuitive and forgiving.  Both men and women need a balance of feminine and masculine energies to reach their highest potential.  Cynicism, judgment and fear of emotions destroy our connection to feminine energy and keep us from connecting to others.




Day 12:
2 days to go until Valentine's Day - still time to work on your relationship with yourself!  Our creative, feminine energy can only be accessed with courage and kindness.   Our feminine energy is vulnerable, full of feeling and has great intelligence, and yet it is not something that has traditionally been valued in daily life.  Use today to research and embrace your feminine side.  You may be delighted with the results!

The secret to happiness?

Happy Bunnies!

My 3 Top Tips for Relationships


I was recently asked what, in my experience, are the three most effective skills needed to successfully resolve relationship issues.  These are the ones that will have the most profound results.

1. Take 100% responsibility for what is happening in your life.

This requires some work. Most of the time when there is a problem in a relationship, its easier to run a cycle of blame and criticism but, as a result, nothing really changes. You take responsibility by becoming curious: what am I being asked to learn from this, how can I see this differently?  100% responsibility - not blame or guilt -  means building a new level of awareness and emotional intelligence.  It is empowering and creates a new attitude to life and relationships.

2. Learn to speak the other person's language.

Misunderstandings often happen because you assume the other person thinks and feels just like you. Whilst we are more alike than we are different, how we receive and process information depends on our inner and outer circumstances. Learn how to communicate in a language your partner understands and you'll be amazed how quickly things can improve!


3. Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance
10% of the pain experienced in relationships is from the events that are happening now and 90% comes from our past.  Present upsets will trigger old wounds and hurts - many much older than the relationship.  When we heal our old wounds we are able to address and communicate the present issues with greater clarity and understanding.  Forgiveness - of the past, of ourselves and others - is a key ingredient in a loving relationship.
  

Commitment in relationship means commitment to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness, no matter how many conversations need to be had, or how difficult those conversations may be.  Marianne Williamson


Keep Talking!

Forget the pearls - I'm going for gold. The benefits of setting goals in relationship

I’ve always enjoyed setting myself goals and love to have a project on the go, but consciously setting goals in relationship used to be an alien concept to me.  When my husband and I did so, it resulted in a huge change in our lives.

We decided one day to write up a list of the things we wanted for our relationship.  He was very serious and put finances, renewing our wills and improved health on the list. I added better communication, a change of lifestyle and, spooked by the finances bit, also insisted we put in some fun goals.  

Talking about the issues on our list was nerve-wracking to begin with but it helped us realize that we both wanted to live a more wholehearted life.  As a result of communicating more honestly we reached a greater level of partnership around finances, and re-writing our wills enabled us to open up helpful discussions with the wider family about the importance of them; we had health checks, started a fitness regime and went to Rome (that was one of the fun goals), plus we moved into new offices and moved house!

When we resist change in our relationship – believing it will be for the worse – the rot can set in. The fun, the thrill, the excitement dies and takes the relationship with it.  As a result of consciously setting goals in your relationship you can reconnect and start to enjoy life together again.  We didn’t just move house, we moved our relationship to a whole new level, and achieved much more than we had believed possible. Now we work on relationship goals every year and are about to set goals for 2012.  As well as it being an Olympic year, it’s our 30^th (Pearl) wedding anniversary, hmmm…. 

Why not give yourself a few quiet minutes and ask yourself ‘what would I like to have happen in 2012?’ and see what surfaces?   

Something for the weekend

I have been thinking all week about what a wonderful life means for me. I used to think it meant no problems, no upsets, a life free of conflict.  Now I realise that  is not the truth about life at all.  


A wonderful life is a life full of wonder.  "I wonder what I can learn from this?"  "I wonder how I can work through this for a better outcome?"


Life will always throw up challenges.  But what makes life wonderful is feeling connected.  


Having the right attitude when things change.

Knowing how to respond rather than react.


Recognizing when you've disengaged and withdrawn.


Understanding how you feel and being able to communicate about it.


All of these increase your ability to connect with another.  Having the tools to help you respond to challenges and meet them with commitment and confidence enable you to build connection.  


Those same tools will your deepen your appreciation, enjoyment and gratitude when things are great, too, thus sustaining your wonderful life.


Here's to a great, no, WONDERFUL weekend.

Living, learning, loving.

Children Learn What They Live

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.

If a child lives with hostility, she learns to fight.

If a child lives with ridicule, she learns to be shy.

If a child learns to feel shame, she learns to feel guilty.

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient.

If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.

If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate.

If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice.

If a child lives with security, she learns to have faith.

If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.

If children live with acceptance and friendship, they learn to find love in the world.

Dorothy Law Neite