5 Daily Habits for Successful Relationships

Simple principles to help your relationship flourish.

1.     Commit to the relationship!
There is an art to commitment, it doesn’t mean just sticking around.  Commitment simply means making the other person’s success and well-being as important to you as your own.  Doing so creates an environment where problems and difficulties are more easily addressed.   Committing to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness, no matter how many conversations it takes or how uncomfortable it gets, makes a relationship a safe place to deal with anything that comes up.

2.  Communicate openly and honestly.

When we feel something strongly and either don’t have the courage or the know-how to express it, it puts the relationship under strain.  To be open and honest you have to research how you are feeling and learn to communicate it skillfully. Telling the truth doesn’t need to be unkind but withholding information can also be used to wound another. Honest and open communication is a life-long learning process and strengthens the relationship.

3. Learn the art of forgiveness.

Blame and criticism erode the relationship. You may not be aware of being critical or complaining, although you may be aware of it in your partner! Remember, it takes two to run a cycle of blame and complaint, but only one to break it.  Find new and creative ways to communicate what does and doesn’t work for you, and take full responsibility for what is going on for you within the relationship.   You can change virtually anything you want in the relationship by breaking your own patterns and cycles.  

4.  Do things that make you happy.

Its time to get a life!  By doing things that you find stimulating and fulfilling you create you feel inspired, which brings fresh energy and life to the relationship. Everyone needs something that gives them meaning, that motivates them and gives them purpose.  Making the other person your reason for living is like being an emotional vampire, you'll suck the relationship dry!  We all have to find our own unique contribution and feel fulfilled by it and trying to find validation through our partner’s achievements will only lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment, which erode trust and confidence. 

5. Express your appreciation.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel, it is important for you and for them that it is communicated. When expressing appreciation make it genuine, personal and specific to the other person and do it as often and as creatively as you can! It may be something you say, something you do or even something you stop doing, but letting someone know how much you appreciate them could make their day - and yours.

If you need support working on these daily habits, why not try a Family@Heart course?  It's a great way to help you put these principles into action.  New courses starting in September. Contact me to book your place.

How the hell did we end up here?

The secret to a successful marriage is partnership, but how do you achieve it? 

It is shocking how quickly a long-term relationship can fall apart.  I have seen 20 year marriages disintegrate and divorce within months, leaving everyone in tatters, unable to make sense of how things fell apart so fast.

Relationship coaching has helped an increasing number of 'silver wedding couples' recognise that problems that are surfacing now actually started much earlier in their relationship.  It is inevitable that a relationship will change over time, but whether it grows and evolves depends on your willingness to address issues as they arise.

Unless we evolve our emotional intelligence and learn new methods to communicate and process our experiences, unresolved issues increase the stress in the relationship until something drastic happens - like someone leaves or has an affair.  Sometimes, frightened of having to address the issues, both partners just withdraw, disregard their emotions and settle for a safe but dull co-existence. No passion, no connection, no fun.

All relationships go through changes, understanding the stages of the process means you have a better chance of handling the changes successfully.

The Stages of Relationship:

Romance 
This powerful phase lasts anywhere from 6 - 18 months.  It feels like you have found the person who completes you.  Brain scans have discovered that the huge levels of  dopamine flooding the brain at this stage creating a brain state similar to that of addiction. You feel inspired, powerful, motivated and ready to conquer the world. It feels so great you want to hold on to it for as long as possible, not realising you have mistaken the addiction for the relationship.   Being convinced this is the true version of the relationship prevents you moving on easily to a deeper level of the relationship.

The Romance phase actually reveals the potential of the relationship and, more importantly, provides you with the love and bonding we need to handle the next phase of growth. 

The Inevitable Power Struggle
That's right, it is inevitable and those who are utterly addicted to the Romance phase come unstuck here, but this is actually the growing edge of the relationship.  

As the Romance settles down and a couple get to know one another, deeper more sub-conscious patterns start to arise. Suddenly, your strong silent hunk seems a little distant, cool and disinterested - just like your father.  The woman you admired for being so organised and switched-on now seems to be trying to control you, just like your mother did.  The charming, chaotic darling is suddenly irritatingly disorganised and always late, making you feel as anxious and insecure as you did in childhood. 

It may seem like your partner is the problem, but the real problem lies in your inability to process the feelings being triggered in you. As the relationship moves on - often with the added strain of children, mortgages and greater responsibilities -  your emotions don't keep up and the sparkle goes out of the relationship along with those heady, glittering carefree early days.

Dead Zone

This is where you end up when you're unwilling to bridge the distance that started during the Power Struggle.  Most relationships die here and if you want to get out of here with the relationship intact its vital to start doing some 'emotional archeology' - going beneath the surface and exploring the emotions that have been buried.

Ironically, the Dead Zone is often a place where there is also a great deal of success.  From the outside things can look good; great life, lovely family, comfortable home.  You might question why you feel so unhappy when you have everything you could wish for, but without connection the spark goes out and the relationship feels stifling.  

Choice Point.  This is a crucial stage in any relationship and is actually a point that we visit many times. We always have a choice; either to ignore the signs that something is wrong or to become emotionally courageous and face your vulnerability. People often talk about their fear of opening a can of worms, but I say the  worms are already out and eating up the relationship.  Ignoring the issues and distancing yourself from emotions means distancing yourself from the people you love too. 

It is time to take an emotional risk here and change the way you relate to your world.  There are 5 things that can turn things around: commitment, communication, creativity, appreciation and forgiveness.  Introducing these principles on a daily basis will to lead you to a revolutionary stage of relationship...

Partnership: Opening up vulnerability and learning to communicate more honestly builds greater intimacy and connection in the relationship.

In Partnership you see your relationship, and your partner, differently.  Suddenly they become part of your journey of self-discovery, growth and development  where love, creativity and prosperity can blossom.  You become a role model to your children as you model commitment by working through difficulties and disagreements with emotional courage and improved communication skills. 

The rewards  of Partnership  are that you realise the potential that was promised in the earlier Romance stage.  Taking an emotional risk, opening your heart and reconnecting first with yourself and then with your partner opens the door to true intimacy..

Ready to make a fresh choice and escape the Dead Zone? 

You can book Individual and/or Couples' coaching sessions by contacting kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378.

Do you know how your partner feels?

In relationship it is often the small things that create the biggest rift, simply because no one can understand what is really going on underneath.

When Susie came home late from work her partner, Joe, was watching the football on television. The sitting room was messy, Susie was upset and asked Joe if he would tidy up. Joe said it was fine and invited her to come and cuddle up with him on the sofa.  He’d got her a great movie on DVD and a nice bottle of wine. 

Susie sat down but found it impossible to relax; the mess in the room really distracted her. She resented the fact that he didn’t see the mess or understand she liked to come home to a tidy house. Rather than talk the issue through, she complained was too tired to watch the film and went to bed with a comforting cup of tea and some toast. 

Joe felt hurt she'd rejected his idea of a cosy evening and when he came to bed he got upset about the crumbs Suzy had let drop in the bed. He accused Susie of being selfish and a row broke out. 

This is a classic example of how a couple can create distance in their relationship through misunderstanding how the other experiences the world. 

 By the end of the evening both Susie and Joe felt the same way – disregarded, unloved and misunderstood.  

When they came to see me the first thing to do was help them to understand how each of them gathers and processes information. Susie responds to the visual impact of something, whilst Joe responds to how it feels. 

With some coaching Joe understood that the feelings of discomfort the crumbs in the bed gave him where exactly the same feelings that a messy room gave Susie. By helping him reconnect with those feelings he had a greater understanding of Susie’s behaviour. Also Susie recognised that dropping crumbs in the bed had created the same feelings of not being valued in Joe that she had felt about a messy room. 

Once we had worked through this issue Susie and Joe were able to uncover the thing they were really fighting about, the one they had been afraid to voice: the loss of connection between them.  

Learning new skills of communication they were able to talk about these things in an open and honest way, without feeling frightened that things might unravel.  It meant showing vulnerability and being willing to take an emotional risk, but the process gave them both a deeper understanding not only of what had really happened that evening but also of themselves, each other and where they were in their relationship.

5 tips for working through misunderstandings:

• No Bad Guys. Be clear within yourself first that you are not looking to blame and criticise.  Nothing will work unless you start from the premise that there are no bad guys.  Not even you.
• Set your intention.   Again, be honest with yourself and be clear about the outcome you are looking for and where you want the conversation to go.  'Feel closer and more united'  'Better connection'  'Clear the bad feeling'.  Choose a good goal and let it act as your emotional 'satnav' it will help steer the communication, even if you get lost along the way.
• Be open and honest. Withholding information is death to connection in relationships. 'I'm telling you this because I no longer want it to be something that is between us.' is a good way to soften difficult information.  Keep your heart open and be willing to take an emotional risk.
• Keep it simple.  Remember your intention, if things are going well don't pile a load of other stuff into the conversation, you can easily overload a delicate process.  Keep a timeframe and stick to it.  20-30 minutes is often long enough for things to shift and prevents you losing focus on the goal.
• Express appreciation.  When you are really upset with someone it can be hard to find something to appreciate, however learning to do so actually changes your brain chemistry.  You start moving from a fight or flight response to an area of the brain that is more emotionally intelligent, giving you a calmer outlook, more communication skills and a better chance of achieving your goal. 

Still need help?  Contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk for couples and/or individual training on communication, problem solving and anger management.

Women are the leaders of the new world order.

There, I've said it.  I've told you what I really think.  No big surprise for anyone who knows me, I am not known for 'being backwards in coming forwards' (as my mother would say),  but I have been a bit timid about putting it in writing. 

Why?  Because I was worried that I might be misunderstood, like I was trying to bash men, or start a revolution or something and, tempting as it feels at times, I know both activities would be a complete waste of energy and resources.  Anyway, I tried them and it didn't work,  My apologies to the people who still bear the scars.

I believe women are born leaders and are transformational leaders of relationship.  The time has come for them to take their place and lead the new world order - into true partnership.  Business guru Seth Godin's blog 'Denying facts you don't like' says that 'transformational leaders don't start by denying the world around them.  Instead, they describe a future they want to create.'  Women intuitively know what a successful relationship should feel like and understand the value of communication. They are often the first to recognise when something is wrong in a relationship and look to do something about it.  

However, if they are not particularly confident or skilled at starting a dialogue with their partner or don't believe in themselves enough to articulate the importance of working on a relationship together then, when faced with their partner's denial or rejection, they often lose courage and give up on themselves or on the relationship.  And miss their opportunity to lead the relationship to a new level.

A call to Loving Arms. 

Women are equipped physically, hormonally, neurologically to nurture, to empathize and to build community. Female brains, hearts and bodies have the right neurons, hormones and infastructure to enable them to do what comes naturally: build relationship and create community.  Research has even shown that supporting and strengthening women to grow in confidence and self-worth is the most effective path to creating lasting change and stability within society. 

My personal research and training, plus the inspirational clients I work with, have shown me how much true intelligence and wisdom there is in a woman's ability to feel.  In a world that has lost heart this is a powerful, precious - and life saving - resource.  

In the Huffington Post, researcher and author (and definitely a 'leader of the new world order'), Dr Brene Brown states that 'who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger indicators of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.' Therefore, if we want our children to feel equipped to handle the highs and lows they will encounter in life, we must learn to model resilience, emotional intelligence and be willing to be vulnerable.

If we want our children to achieve success in their lives as adults, as parents and life partners we must demonstrate the courage, commitment and mature communication skills needed to process the feelings and emotions we experience.  For the next generation to reach their potential we must show them how to become leaders of their lives by being the leaders in our own, rather than letting life lead us.

  

So many times, when encouraged to take the lead and address the issues in their relationship, I hear women say, 'but, why do I have to do all the work?  Why can't he be the one to take the lead?'  Because most men haven't got a clue.  Their feminine qualities have been suppressed, denied and devalued.  They haven't been shown how to work with them effectively.  As women reclaim and ignite their innate feminine gifts of relationship and show men how to communicate, truly communicate, with the intention of resolving differences not just circulating blame and criticism, men will learn to trust communication as a vehicle for good, rather than a method for scoring points.

Calling all Women. 
Have you been in denial about your true gifts? Are you holding back, worried what people might say if you start living your real life?  Another LOTNWO, Marianne Williamson, famously wrote 'your playing small does not serve the world.  You were born to shine, as children do'.  She wrote that for everyone, but it is also a wake-up call for women.  Of course we want our children to shine, so let's show them how.

Women have what it takes to lead their loved ones, their family, colleagues and friends to a new level of relationship. Their hearts will tell them what is working and what is not but due to habit, conditioning or lack of confidence, they often hand the responsibility for solving the problems over to the men. 

By all means give your man your heart, just don't give him the keys and put him in the driving seat; he won't know where he's going, he wont admit when he's lost and certainly won't ask for directions!

True partnership is created when each partner understands their worth and their value - and shares it.  It is time to take your true place as a leader in your life and in the world and to bring relationships to a new level.  Trust your intuition, listen to your heart, reclaim the abundance of feminine gifts you have within you.  As each woman reclaims her place in the world as a transformational leader, it gives others permission to do the same and, together, we really can make the world a better place.

Courage is what it takes, a word that comes from the French for heart, so let's take heart and make a small step in emotional evolution - and a giant leap for all mankind.

Don't let life lead you up the wrong path, to make positive changes and reclaim your leadership contact Kim on kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378.

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To change your relationship, change the way you relate.

Give your relationship a boost - let your partner know what you're thinking!

All relationships need attention and with the right tools you can create an exciting, happy and rewarding partnership.  Is your relationship at a stalemate?  Is it hard to know what to do next, where to turn, how to change things?  When your outside circumstances seem impossible to address, the easiest way to start any change process is to do some personal research.

To that end, here are some questions to ask yourself.  Be as honest as you can.  The purpose of these questions is to help you get a new perspective.  If you have reached an impasse in your relationship, the answers will certainly give you something to talk about!  

1.  List 3 things that annoy you about your partner.

2.  List 3 things you admire about them.

3.  List 3 judgements you have on your partner.

4.  List  3 things you appreciate about them.

5.  Name 3 things you haven't forgiven them for.

6.  Name 3 events with them you cherish/hold dear.

7.  What 3 things does your partner not know about you?

Can you see a pattern in your relationship?  Is it easier to see the negative rather than value the positive?  Are you holding on to old hurts, refusing to forgive? Or wishing you could go back to happier times?  Do you with-hold information in order to protect or to punish?  

The first step to healing a relationship is communication. The most important question to ask yourself is 'Do I want to be right or would I rather be happy?'.  I used to think being right was the thing that made me happy, but being right just reinforces the distance between me and another.  It is connection that makes us happy.   You can't buy it, you can't demand it, all you can do is be willing to drop your defences and want an honest connection.


Author and researcher, Dr Brene Brown talks about shame being the biggest block in relationship.  It is a feeling we hate to acknowledge and acts like a vice around our heart. As we try and move toward another it grips us and prevents us from making those final steps to connection. Shame is generated from the belief 'I am not enough'.  It's in all of us and is the death knell to intimacy and connection.  It drives our addictions, our personalities, our lives.

Sharing hidden judgements and thoughts with the opening statement of "I'm telling you this because I want to find a way out of thinking like this" is the first step to overcoming shame.  It opens up communication at a new level, acknowledging vulnerability and signifying a willingness to change.  It is the first line in the song of re-connection.   


It is important to build on what works in a relationship and clean up the areas that need improvement.  Learning to communicate openly and honestly, with a clear intent to achieve mutual understanding and forgiveness may take some time, and requires vulnerability, but it can bring a dull relationship back to sparkling life.


Be Happy.

Loving Partnership

Lola and Sam were having a light-hearted conversation about how they met, Lola said she believed it was Fate.  When Sam casually remarked that he didn't believe in Fate, Lola felt deflated 'like a bubble had burst'.  She felt stupid that his comment had had such a powerful affect on her and couldn't understand why it still hurt months later.

Our emotions have great intelligence and for relationships to thrive we must learn to value them and give them the right kind of attention.  Most of the time we are taught to dismiss feelings as a sign of weakness, but the deeper truth is that our vulnerability is our greatest strength;  where we are fragile is also where we are able to make powerful connections, heart to heart.

Whether Sam believed in Fate or not was not really the issue here, it was that in the face of disagreement Lola had fallen into deep emotions linked to old feelings of inadequacy.  

Believing that her feelings and thoughts were foolish and of no value, she had assumed she was wrong and handed over her authority without a moment’s thought.  She had automatically and unconsciously adopted the inferior position, giving Sam the superior role in the relationship.  This unconscious decision and the subsequent - but subtle - loss of connection between them that resulted, was the real reason she was still upset.  

The superior/inferior pattern is common in relationships and is not a recipe for long-term success.  After a while the inferior/superior dynamic breeds resentment on both sides.  In the inferior position you back away from conflict, you may even place your partner on a pedestal, but eventually you begin to feel resentful that your partner doesn't take you seriously or have enough time for you.

With the power of the superior position also comes responsibility; you have to take care of everyone which takes its toll on your time, energy and resources.  This pattern can go on for years without either party realising the problem and eventually the creativity, spontaneity and connection between you dies.

Most relationships settle into a superior/inferior dynamic, primarily because it is the traditional relationship model we have all grown up with.  However, to build a healthy, long-term relationship there needs to be a new model: Partnership, where your partner's sense of equality, success and well-being is as important to you as your own.

This new model of relationship is led from the heart, not the head, and requires a different intelligence - emotional intelligence.  It takes courage and a willingness to be vulnerable and open to build true partnership, but the rewards of deeper connection, trust and greater intimacy provide a safe, nurturing and loving environment for all.  Partnership offers an inspiring role model for the next generation.

Lola and Sam are working on their relationship with much more consciousness.  They're developing emotional literacy, learning transformational communication skills and discovering that the most powerful language comes from the heart. 

Perhaps it was Fate that set up that conversation after all!

For tips on building partnership see our previous blog on 5 habits for successful relationship.

or contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378 for partnership skills coaching.

Women for Women

Helping women survivors of war rebuild their lives.

Click here for a moving and inspirational video

Research has shown that strengthening and supporting women is the most effective path towards creating lasting change and stability within society. The first level of society starts with the family.  Women for Women offer sponsorship programmes to help women gain the support they need to help themselves and also then help their families.

Unlike the women featured in the video link, many of us are fortunate to not be living in a war-torn country, but many women feel as overwhelmed and war-torn by the challenges they face within their families. After all, what mother doesn’t want the best for her family and doesn’t feel pain when her family is hurting?  By becoming the leader of your life, you lead the way for your family.