Monday, June 22, 2009

Things NOT to do when your relationship is in trouble...

When things get difficult in a relationship it can be tempting to get busy rather than address what is really going on.  If you suspect things are going so well between you here are some things NOT to do:

Redecorate: the decision to move, redecorate or take on a building project feels like a good idea, it is often driven by a sub-conscious desire to inject some energy into the relationship, but it's only papering over the cracks. The issues will still be there long after you have paid the bills.

Go on holiday with others: whilst the distraction of other people can take the focus off your own misery, the atmosphere of a struggling relationship creates stress that can sour the relaxation factor.

Go shopping: there may be bargains to be found, and it is a distraction from the pain you are in, but rarely is there long-term enjoyment from the items bought, or the debt incurred.

Eat, drink and party: as with all the above, the issues will still be there after the hangover, weight gain and exhaustion, plus you will feel even worse about yourself.

Change your partner: you will eventually meet the same old tears on a new background.

Most of the time we will do anything to avoid addressing painful issues in a relationship. If you find yourself planning any kind of distracting activity, ask yourself what feeling are you avoiding. All of the above - and many other strategies - can be compensations to avoid the deeper feelings that, left unaddressed, will sabotage your happiness and affect your relationships. 

Our behaviour is driven by feelings and emotions,  when you understand what drives your behaviour and begin to heal the underlying pain, the building project, holiday, shopping spree or party becomes a celebration of love rather than a compensation for heartache.

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