Mothers and Daughters

'By the time a woman realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she is wrong.' 

  

My mother was in the delivery room as I was giving birth to my first child.  I'm still not sure how she got there - but then again, I doubt anyone would have told her to leave.  She would have given them one of her old fashioned looks which basically says "There's nothing here I haven't seen before." 

Anyway, there I was at the painful end huffing and puffing and - well - mooing for some reason, with my husband bravely holding a cool flannel to my head and trying to avoid seeing anything gory.  My mother was at the action end with a look of mild impatience, which I like to believe was masking her excitement.  

Of her five children I was her only daughter and the birth of her first grandchild was a big event for us both.  I was glad and touched that she had turned up unannounced and, although a little embarrassed to be 'revealing' so much of myself to her, I knew this was a turning point in our relationship.

Finally my daughter arrived and was placed in my arms.  "I've got a baby, I've got a baby" I kept repeating.  "Well, what were you expecting?" my mother asked "A rabbit?".  

I laughed softly and then, looking down at my darling newborn daughter I was overcome with awe, love and a deep understanding.  I knew I loved this tiny being with a fierce and protective love and that I had been waiting for her my whole life.  I also knew that underneath all the misunderstandings and heartbreak between us, this was exactly how my mother felt about me.

Cradling my daughter in my arms, I looked into my mother's eyes and said: 'I am so sorry.  Thank you.'  

She sat very still, gave me a gentle nod, and our healing journey began.

Reconnection

She stumbled to the edge of vulnerability.
I'm scared, she cried.
Me too, he declared.
They sat on opposite sides of the divide and wept.

She stumbled to the edge of vulnerability.
I'm scared, she wept.
Me too, he sobbed.
You'll judge me, she said.
I'm not enough, he whispered.
I've made mistakes, she confessed.
I've got it wrong, he announced.
And together they rebuilt the bridge
.

How to get your life on track

Ruth Field's fun and inspiring book,  Run, Fat Bitch, Run  has changed my attitude to exercise.  “If you want to lose weight, get fit and become an ass-kicking, gets-things-done superwoman, there’s only one thing left to do … RUN!”  says the author.  


She doesn't advocate hitting the floor running, but mapping out a route and walking it with determination, then slowly building up stamina, endurance and determination until you are able to run the whole distance.  I like the no-nonsense message in the book because it echoes what I feel about relationships; no, not 'when things get tough, RUN', but if something isn't working stop complaining and start taking effective action.

If it hurts, forgive. 

It seems almost counter-intuitive that the most effective action you can take when you are struggling in relationship is to learn the art of forgiveness.  I could talk about developing better communication skills, addressing commitment issues, improving self-worth - all of these are important parts of the process, but forgiveness is the path that allows the process to run smoothly.  It determines the ease and effectiveness of any conversation, relieves the burden of guilt or shame and is the route to take when you want the outcome to be great relationships and a happier, more wholehearted life.  


We may loftily say “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” but that's not forgiveness, that's taking the moral high ground – whilst rubbing someone's nose in the dirt and compounding feelings of guilt and shame.  

Like running, forgiveness takes effort, it takes practice and you need to train yourself to do it.   It hurts because you have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and become pro-active rather than sitting around feeling resentful, hurt, guilty or ashamed.  Forgiveness means that you give of yourself - to give forth - no-one can do it for you and you have to want do it because you'd rather be happy than stay miserable.

When it comes to forgiveness it doesn’t matter where or how you start, what matters is where you want to end up. Whether you start by forgiving yourself, the other person, the circumstances, the dog – whomever or whatever you believe is responsible for making you feel so bad - the more you do it, the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more forgiving you become - of others and of yourself.

Forgiveness, like running, is good for the heart and helps shed pounds of ill-feeling, it lightens your mood, alleviates stress and creates goodwill. You feel looser, lighter, freer. Forgiveness develops your emotional intelligence and allows you to live more wholeheartedly.

If you want fit, healthy relationships and to get your life on track, start with forgiveness in mind and keep going.  Begin with baby steps, make it easy and focus on where you want to be in the end, you'll be amazed (and amazing) with the results.

  

The Art of Forgiveness

If you want to upgrade your relationship, forgiveness is the must-have 'app'.  Once you become familiar with the emotional technology it offers, life will never be the same again!

Forgiveness is like WD40 for relationships; it releases jammed feelings, improves the overall flow and creates a sense of ease and well-being.   It is a vital, multi-purpose item to have in your relationship tool-kit.

Why forgiveness? Because every time we feel bad we feel guilty and forgiveness is the only antidote. Guilt is the glue that keeps life stuck and forgiveness is the thing that frees it. 

Guilt shows up in many different guises.  For some it manifests as depression and feelings of failure.  Guilt generates aggression and judgment as a way of dumping bad feelings on someone else.  Guilt drives addictions and also extreme self-denial. Guilt blocks access to the good things in life - like love, intimacy, creativity and success.

Forgiveness is an art – it takes skill, understanding, sensitivity, awareness and practice. It is not something that many of us have been taught to do consciously, but it is easy to learn and is a powerful antidote to bad feelings.

Forgiveness is a creative process, with several layers to it.  When we look at guilt and forgiveness from a fresh perspective the disagreements, bad feelings and unresolved issues become easier to address and life and relationships start flowing again..

Want to move past guilt and get back into a creative flow?  Relationship Training offers coaching in innovative forgiveness techniques.  Contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378

Do you keep losing it?

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape 100 days of sorrow. 

- Chinese Proverb

Research has shown that chemically anger lasts 4½ minutes in the body.  Anything longer and you are bringing other issues to the situation to burn as fuel.  Anger is a blanket emotion, it covers over deeper feelings, emotions you don’t want to admit to because they make you vulnerable.


It is often easier and more familiar to be angry than reveal your true vulnerability, and yet it is only through lowering our defences and revealing our vulnerability that we can feel connected.  Developing a kinder attitude and having the courage to communicate about the fear, insecurity or hurt that's beneath anger, creates a shift in attitude where, rather than reinforcing the conflict and hurt,  better understanding, greater trust and a more loving connection can grow.  

Here is an exercise I use to get past the first level of anger.  Many clients have reported that they have used it to help them to get through to their children when there is an 'eruption'.  The purpose of this exercise is to access the hidden emotion by acknowledging the surface feelings first.  First acknowledge what is going on.

• I feel angry because.........

Allow yourself to really get in touch with all the issues that are bothering you, as you work through the layers the emotion will change.  Ask yourself what you feel sad about?

• I feel sad because ......

Again, dig deep and explore this vulnerable area.  if you are patient something deeper reveals itself.  What is it you're afraid will happen?

• I'm afraid that ....

Fear is the force that hold us back and prevents us looking at the deeper issues.  You might be afraid of being alone, of feeling vulnerable, of having to feel the next layer of feeling. Every time we feel bad, we are feeling guilty.  It is a difficult feeling to process, but to achieve well-being it is vital we become conscious of how it drives us.

• I feel guilty that ......

Guilt is our biggest sticking point - if we feel guilty about our behaviour and ashamed of who we are, we trap ourselves with a belief that we are unworthy. This is a deep and often well-hidden emotion, it is vital to maintain an attitude of compassion in this level of vulnerability, it will help to dissolve the pain and loosen the grip that shame and guilt have on our lives. If we hold on to shame and guilt, it drives our behaviour, fuels anger and generates a cycle blame and criticism where the disconnection between us and others grows, and we feel even worse.  

• What would I like to have happen ....?

Developing compassion and empathy and having the courage to communicate about the fear, insecurity and hurt  that hides underneath anger, creates a safe emotional atmosphere where deeper understanding, greater trust and loving connections can grow.

The next time you feel you are losing it ask yourself what the real issue is.   Think of the sorrow you could lose and the love and compassion that could flow!

All Family Matters

Families come in many shapes and sizes and no matter how complicated the situation, one person willing to develop skills in communication and emotional literacy can improve the quality of relationships for everyone. 


Divorced with 4 children, David remarried and built a new life with a younger wife and their 3 young children.  In his 50s he was repeating the lifestyle he'd had in his 30s - but this time with a heavy burden of guilt.  He was struggling to have quality time with his older kids as well as having the energy for his younger family life.  His solution was to throw money at the situation: holidays, financial hand-outs, dinners, anything in the hope that he could make everyone happy.   He was exhausted and running on empty.

David blamed himself, his ex-wife preferred to do the same and their kids felt bad no matter what because they had lost the heart of their original family.  Both parents have remarried and whilst there was much to be enjoyed with the new 'blended' families, there was also unexpressed loss, resentment and feelings of guilt.

Forgiveness is the only antidote to guilt and is a process built through emotional intelligence. Guilt keeps life, people – and love - at arm’s length, but learning to communicate about difficult subjects, becoming aware of and honouring painful emotions, laying down weapons of blame, withdrawal and denial creates a safe space for forgiveness to germinate. 

David was courageous enough to explore his emotions with understanding, empathy and a willingness to learn.  By doing so he not only improved his relationships, he regained energy, inspiration and a renewed zest for life. 


His older children felt safe to share their hurt, beliefs and hopes with him.  He and his ex-wife now work on being in a parenting partnership for their children – rather than scoring points off each other.  His wife and younger family are happier because he is more engaged in their lives without feeling he is betraying his older children. 

  

Parent Partnership  and Couples Coaching with Relationship Training.

What's the problem?

What makes things go wrong in a relationship? 

1.  Needs are not being met.

2.  Change is being resisted.

3.  Present hurt is triggering old wounds from the past.

When misunderstandings and mistakes happen in relationship it is vital that good communication skills are in place to work through the issue or event.  You’ll know when something is resolved as there is a feeling of happy relief and gratitude. 

What will Relationship Training give you?

o   A new perspective on your situation

o   Practical solutions to difficult problems.

o   The ability to see possibilities while managing change.

o   Discovery of your unique gifts and abilities.

o   Progress from feeling helpless to being confident and in control of your life.

o   Skills to help others in need.

Surviving Infidelity

Can a relationship recover from infidelity?  Yes, but both partners have to be willing to do whatever it takes to work through the issues that led to the affair in the first place.   Each needs to learn to forgive, improve communication skills and develop greater emotional intelligence.

Commitment

Shame, guilt and hurt are big emotional hurdles to get through, but if you have the courage and willingness to address and communicate about everything, it is possible to build a stronger, more loving and committed relationship than ever before,

Take 100% responsibility

Affairs don’t ‘just happen’.  It is often the case that the person to have the affair is not the first person to leave the relationship.  When you explore the relationship’s history there is usually an unresolved event in the past that created distance between the couple.  If they can’t talk about it, the disconnection grows so much that, when circumstances present themselves, the gulf makes it possible for an affair to happen.  The relationship can get caught in arguments about who is to blame, but when each takes responsibility for the emotions and behaviour that created the distance in the relationship and learn to communicate and work through differences, things can move on to the next stage: rebuilding trust.

Let go of the dream.

Let go of the old relationship and build a new one from scratch.  Most times people go and do this with a new partner, because a relationship can’t move forward if either person is holding on to the past. Holding on to a dream of how things could have been, or the nightmare of how much you have hurt or been hurt, looking backwards with regret or blame will kill off any hope for the future. Old habits and feelings will continue to surface, but consciously focussing on what you want for the relationship and learning how to work together to create it, will help you both move through painful issues. 

No Bad Guys.

Guilt eats away at the relationship. The person who feels guilty works hard to regain the respect and trust of their partner, but the guilt means they can’t enjoy any rewards for their ‘good behaviour’.  They feel ashamed, unworthy and start to withdraw believing they don't deserve to be forgiven, the injured party is already feeling hurt and insecure and becomes suspicious of the distance between them.  If no-one understands what is going on and no effort is made to deal with the underlying emotions and issues, there will be temptation and maybe a repeat of the infidelity - or the relationship flounders and dies a painful death.

Working on the premise that there are no bad guys - even though there may have been bad behaviour - and learning to forgive is a process that takes time and courage.  You’ll know when you are through it when there is no longer an emotional charge and the relationship feels lighter  – and you may even be able to laugh about it!

We have Relationship Revival coaching programmes for individuals and couples to improve  communication skills, rebuild confidence and trust and restore intimacy.

What Holds You Back?

‘Forgiveness is the key to action
 and to freedom”

A Relationship Training Workshop for Life

Saturday, February 11^th, 2012

10am – 5.30pm

Self-doubt will wrap itself around our thoughts and beliefs, stifling our creativity and motivation.  It reduces our ideas to daydreams and keeps us trapped in a half-lived life. It eats away at our resolve, our courage and our ability to change. 

If you would like to break out from your old ways, in  this workshop we will develop a powerful, life-changing approach to whatever holds us back and discover tools to make effective and lasting change. 

Come and join us, click here to start the adventure!

Staying in the family way.

When we embark on a journey of personal development many people benefit from our emotional courage.  


You know when you've heard something many times but then one day you really understand it?  One of my teachers, Chuck Spezzano, always says that when we heal, we never do so alone.  I have heard him say this many times but the other day I experienced it at a new level.

During a recent workshop we did a powerful Family Bonding exercise.  This is when a focus person chooses someone to represent a quality they felt was missing from their original family - in this exercise the quality was Understanding.  The focus person then chooses other participants to represent the members of his/her original family and brings each member to the centre of the room where the person representing Understanding gathers them together.  The purpose of the exercise is to create a new emotional experience of our original family and reframe our emotional memory.  


It was during this exercise that I understood Chuck's message anew.  I think there are three elements to it.  Firstly, by remembering the love we feel for our family - even through a virtual, role-play exercise - we initiate a healing process for the whole family.   


Secondly, those of us either participating in or witnessing the exercise were reminded that, in our heart of hearts, all we want is for our families to feel loving and close.  So not only did the focus person start to heal their emotional wound, everyone on the workshop also gained a new understanding of the power of love.


Thirdly, buried under the pain of any experience or memory from our childhood hides a gift, a quality we have forgotten we still possess.  When the goal is to retrieve our innate gifts, the emotional pain that has in the past prevented us from operating at our best, can instead be used to drive us toward a happy outcome - the rediscovery of those unique gifts and talents. Our present relationships benefit as a result of our renewed confidence and self-worth. 


Are you ready to heal those old beliefs and events and re-discover your unique gifts and talents?  Check our our monthly workshops or contact me at kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk  to find out more.

Great Spirit Prayer

The Great Spirit Prayer

Oh great spirit whose voice in the wind I hear And whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me! Small and weak I am, your strength and wisdom I need.

Make me to walk in beauty and in a sacred manner.

Make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunsets.

Make my hands and heart respect all that you have made. Make my ears sharp to hear your voice and receive spiritual guidance, when I sincerely ask for a sign, a vision, a dream, or a prayer answered.

Make me wise so that I may understand the things you have already taught my people.

Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every rock, leaf and herb.

I seek your strength not to be greater than my brother or sister, but to live my greatest ally, myself.

Make me always ready to live my life with your eyes smiling upon me, when my deeds or thoughts are examined by me and you.

Make me always ready to treat my brothers, sisters, and Mother Nature’s creations as I want to be treated: with love, justice, honor, dignity, integrity and respect.

When life fades like the fading sunset, let my eyes be clear, my hands and heart free of bloodshed, destruction, hatred or disrespect for Mother Earth so that my spirit may come to you without shame.

How to end the Blame Game

Self –Acceptance 

and Forgiveness

Saturday, 10^th September, 2011

How do you move beyond blame, guilt and criticism in a relationship?  How do you allow love and laughter to flow again?  What is the key to unlocking your potential and helping loved ones do the same?

This one-day workshop will introduce you to powerful and effective new ways to break old patterns and build a creative, successful, loving approach to life and relationships.  

10am - 5.00pm   
The Relationship Training Centre, 
Steep,
Petersfield, Hampshire GU32 1AG
To book contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408379

Stop Look Listen – 3 simple tips for relationship.

Don’t stumble blindly through your relationships. These simple tools will reap amazing benefits both to you and those you love.


I remember when STOP LOOK LISTEN became part of a road safety campaign (yes, that shows my age!). Those three words are still great instructions for crossing the road safely; they are also powerful principles to apply to relationships. When stress levels are high remembering to STOP LOOK LISTEN might save a life!

STOP: Stressful situations can be diffused and wonderful moments can be cherished by learning to stop and name the situation you are having. Identifying whether you are having a ‘pleasant’ or ‘unpleasant’ experience – rather than categorizing it as good or bad – is like pressing a pause button, it gives you a moment to gather your thoughts, to reflect and choose an appropriate plan of action.

LOOK: The spoken word makes up just 7% of communication and behaviour communicates many of our hidden thoughts and feelings. Learning to be observant of both your outer and inner circumstances – how you are feeling and behaving as well as how those around you are acting, will make your choices about what to do and say more effective.

LISTEN: Effective listening is a powerful skill in relationship. Listening within, to the voice of intuition as well as the voice of fear, and also learning to listen deeply to those around you, allows you to resolve conflicts and heal misunderstandings more easily and to move into a deeper level of relationship and connection.


Don't keep running blindly across your life - slowing down and paying attention will help you handle things better when it's tricky and, when you're in the flow,  enjoy life even more.  

A Child's Cry for Help

Joe always kept a spare wallet of £200 in £20 pound notes in his bedside drawer ‘for emergencies’. One day he noticed that £20 was missing. He didn’t recall taking it out but in the rushed pace of his life he presumed he must have. Several weeks later he discovered another £40 was missing. He left a note in the drawer to tell the thief that he knew they were taking his money. Despite that another £20 went missing.

Finally he spoke to his wife and they decided to have a family meeting. Everyone denied knowledge of the money or the theft, but after the meeting his daughter, Amy, confessed in private that she had taken the money.

Joe was very hurt by Amy’s behaviour. He discussed it in a coaching session and got in touch with his deeper feelings around the event. He realised he felt betrayed, disregarded and taken for granted. It was suggested that the very same feelings had driven Amy's behaviour and she felt them as a result of his behavior to her. Often how we feel as a result of someone's actions is a reflection of the feelings that drove their behaviour.

As Joe explored his behaviour around Amy he recognized he had taken this loving, gentle daughter for granted and paid less attention to her because she was so undemanding. There were so many calls on his time and attention from work and the rest of the family that it was a relief that she was so quiet and unassuming. With new insights he could see that Amy's taking money was a cry for attention and an expression of her hurt.

Whilst Amy was still asked to repay the money, the event had helped Joe see how his life was off-balance, that the people he cared most about were suffering, even though the reason he worked so hard was to provide for them. He made changes to his work/life balance and re-visited his values and beliefs around work and family. Joe and Amy did a coaching session together to talk about what had happened. Their relationship is growing stronger because there is more honesty and trust.

What needs to happen for you to see someone's challenging behaviour as a cry for help? Relationship Training will give you the skills and tools you need to help not just yourself but to support those you love.