Loving Family

Dear Beloved,

Welcome home!  Please take a moment to admire, enjoy and appreciate this clean, orderly and tidy kitchen.

The time spent clearing out (and filling!) the fridge, scrubbing the bins, cleaning sinks, surfaces and floors were filled with love for you, me and for our home.


Its wonderful you're here and I hope you will accept my heartfelt welcome gift of a calm and peaceful space to relax and unwind in.  My wish is that our time together be full of loving moments; creating wonderful meals, having interesting conversations, talking over any problems, laughing, crying and having fun!

All I ask is that the state of the kitchen act as a template, that it reflect a mindful attitude and set the standard for the rest of our home.

I'm not asking for things to be perfect or immaculate, only
awareness of and commitment to a certain standard of housekeeping. My heart's desire is that our time together be filled with love, ease and celebration and a good attitude toward a shared environment will help.

So welcome, my Beloved, chill, sit back, enjoy.

And please leave the kitchen how you found it. :)

Much love, as ever.

Crying Shame

I met someone the other day who last saw me when I was a little girl.

"Oh, I remember you," he said.  "You were always crying."

"I still am."  I replied.

I obviously showed a talent for it from an early age because I cry for a living now!

Don't get me wrong, I don't go round howling and sobbing, in fact I'd say most of the time I'm pretty chirpy, but these days I'm as comfortable with feeling tears of hurt as I am experiencing tears of laughter.  I've overcome the shame I used to feel as a child and the confusion and frustration I experienced being told to stop crying or that my feelings were wrong.  I've learnt to honour feelings of hurt, rejection and heartbreak and no longer feel shame or judge myself as weak or stupid if I feel vulnerable - I just see crying as point on my emotional spectrum.

With the right approach crying can help gather intelligence about a situation, it can feed back information about your circumstances and help you make better sense of your world.  Emotional intelligence isn't about controlling, naming or talking about emotions, it is the intelligence we gather from FEELING our emotions.

People often don't allow themselves to cry because being vulnerable brings up feelings of shame.  Many of us have been punished, teased or humiliated as children and make a solemn vow never to be be that vulnerable again.  As a result we either employ something like the Great British Stiff Upper Lip or we cry alone behind a locked door - and hate ourselves for it.

Crying, like love, is better when there's someone to share it with.  

Crying is an art and, like any new skill, can feel awkward at first.  The results can be a bit messy until you get the hang of it.  Now that I'm so good at crying I teach people how to do it.  Its actually very easy and can lead to something rather magical.  One of my clients calls it 'crying club', I think it is a source of creativity and like any creative art it needs practice and can be fun to do in a community of like minded people.  It also gives you membership to a laughter, creativity and friendship club.

This place inside, the crying place, can be a source of inspiration.  Poets, musicians and artists have used it to fuel their creativity.  Some don't want to heal their dark side for fear of losing their muse, but they have misunderstood the nature of their pain.

When we're out of practice and have a lot of 'cry' in us, we cry and all the other hurts try to escape at the same time, making the whole thing a little alarming.  However, with time and understanding you can get so good at it that there are few tears and little drama, just profound heartfelt emotion.

Being comfortable with your own vulnerability builds empathy and helps strengthen relationships.  Accepting your own emotions builds stronger bonds with others and understanding your feelings gives you the confidence to communicate better.

We don't realise that the strategies we use to hide our tears are so effective they block off the good feelings too; when we shut off our tears we deny our tears of laughter.

And that's a crying shame.

Family@Heart  starts September 2014.  Feeling your feelings and do it anyway!

 

Three words to poison a relationship

Do you know which three words will strike terror in the heart of a man?

"Can we talk?"

The moment a man hears his beloved say these three words he mentally paints a target on his chest as he awaits the dreaded, deadly pointed finger of blame.

I am no saint.  I am guilty of the same crime.  I spent years not understanding why my husband wouldn't talk about things that weren't working.  He couldn't.  He was too busy hunkering down trying to avoid the missiles I kept launching at him.

Then there came a day when I said it differently.  Instead of 'Can we talk' I said "I need to talk to you, I don't think its going to come out right but I'm not saying it because I want to fight, but because I want to sort it out."

Not elegant, not articulate but he UNDERSTOOD.  He actually says that was the moment he was able to hear I was trying to work something out and he didn't need to defend himself any more.

So many women say to me "We just don't talk and when we do it always ends up in an argument." or 'He won't talk to me'.

Let me explain something.  He doesn't know how to talk to you.  And actually - you don't know how to talk to him either.  If your man can't communicate with you then you need to work on your communication skills.  

Women are born communicators.  We're naturals.  Its just that we forget how to speak a language men can understand.  We're trying to get them to speak Woman.  Speaking Man doesn't work for us either so, as the leaders of communication women need to work on the ideal language for relationship, Love.

It can start really simply.  Just a couple of words that are without blame and criticism.  A smattering of appreciation. A few sentences where you own your feelings and take responsibility for your own happiness.  You have to make it safe for him to open up - and you'll be amazed at the results.

I can hear you already.  "But, why do I have to be the one to do all the work?'

My answer is always the same.

Because, sister, you are the Leader of the Relationship.  If you can see something isn't working, then you are the one who can provide the solution.  Beside,  the skills you need to help your relationship are skills that will help every area of your life - so it ends up win win win!

Who is leading your relationship? And is it going in the right direction?

We were on Module 4 of Family@Heart last night, entitled 'Can we talk?'.  Last week we did 'I'm all ears' exploring the many different ways of listening - which set us up beautifully for this week's module on communication.

We did some amazing group exercises, working on places where relationships get stuck and there were many 'aha' moments as the evening unfolded.

All relationships get stuck, its what happens, but that's just the surface event.  Discovering why and what to do about it requires a little more work and a bit of courage.  The work is around understanding the hidden dynamics that are running and the courage is being willing to be the one to change things.

'Why do I have to be the one to do all the work in the relationship?' is a cry I often hear.  My answer is always 'because you are the leader of the relationship'.  Leadership in relationship doesn't mean being the boss or in control, it means being willing to learn and grow in order to lead the relationship to a better place.

Resolving a problem in a relationship has three stages.

1.  Talk about it with the other person - if its sorted easily, job done.

2. If that just turns into another argument (the familiar dance of relationship death) then the next stage is to work on yourself.  Not give yourself a hard time, or give up on yourself - but begin your own inner work on self-worth and confidence.

3. With greater confidence and understanding you will be equipped with tools to go back and communicate more effectively, plus you'll have more inner- strength and self-belief to handle any outcome.

One of the biggest 'aha' moments for the group last night was the realisation that when there is a problem the most powerful and effective route to resolution is to get to the deepest feeling - and when they did so they recognised that it was exactly how the other person is feeling too.

Learning how to do this is a group and practising the skills in a safe, supportive environment has really boosted their confidence and given them the courage to communicate at a whole new level.  That's Leadership.

Next Family@Heart starting September.  Join the revolution!

Fighting for Love

Couples don't have hundreds of arguments they just have the same argument hundreds of different ways.  It can start with a silly domestic about the washing up or who put the empty milk carton back in the fridge and then suddenly, like a forest fire, get out of control, fanned by hurt and fuelled by any unresolved emotional litter lying between you.

A relationship heartbreak in the early days is like hairline fracture; it hurts but it doesn't stop you loving one another because you're powered by the passion and attraction of the 'Honeymoon' energy.  However,  when the relationship moves into the next phase of growth - the Power Struggle  - the fracture makes itself felt. A stumble or falter in the relationship suddenly sparks the pain of that earlier hurt and you find yourself hurting twice over.

By the time you get to the next phase - the Dead Zone -  the damage done by those unhealed injuries undermine the stability of the relationship and result in a catastrophic breakdown.

However, there is another way.

All relationships carry the burden of unresolved heartbreaks.  Some will be from the relationship itself, many you will have brought from your past.  Learning how to identify which is which and addressing the emotions you try to hide from yourself or your beloved is a vital practice for a healthy, strong relationship and will take you to the next level of relationship - Partnership.

You know that old joke '"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice, Practice"'?  Its the same for Partership.  Practice in relationship means commitment to communication and learning how to talk about emotions.  Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes Love, so that when something imperfect surfaces it can be met with compassion and be healed.

Relationships are the breeding ground for pain and joy.  It takes emotional courage, honesty and good communication skills to open up the subject of old hurt in a relationship and to work through all the phases of the issue.  However in doing so you each get back something of yourself you'd lost all those years ago, and create space for greater love, partnership and intimacy.

So what are you really fighting for?

Need help working this out? Relationship Training helps you make sense of what is going on and gives you the tools you need to do something about it.   Contact Kim for more details.

Would it kill you to be nice?

Yes, actually, it would!  And while we're about it, I would like to ban the word nice from the dictionary.

Call me 'nice' and you may as well describe me as 'kinda blah' and I don't belive anyone has come to be that; we've all come to be amazingly, fabulously, daringly, wholeheartedly ALIVE - just like we were as kids.

As far as I'm concerned being nice means smiling through gritted teeth whilst hiding resentment, passion, rage, creativity, fear, joy and wild abandon - all the things that are part of truly living.

Being TRUE - now you're talking.  Being honest with nyself about how I'm feeling, being honest with others about what is going on - that's where things come alive.  I don't mean beating others up with blame, judgment or criticism, I don't mean 'speaking my truth'  (a cover-all justification for dumping bad feelings on others).  I mean being open and honest and willing to be vulnerable.  I mean having the courage to speak up about what's not working and being willing to be part of the solution.

In the story The Emperor's New Clothes the little boy who declares 'the Emperor's naked!' is a Truth speaker.  He names what is going on not because he wants to shame the Emperor, but because he can see the truth

Now if the Emperor wanted to be naked, that's one thing.  Someone could have explained to the child that this was how things were going to be from now on and the Emperor was leading the way.  But no, no-one wanted any fuss, no-one wanted the Emperor to get upset, people were intimidated by the tricksters who'd shown their Emperor up as a fool and no-one was going to go there for fear of the consequences.  So everyone was NICE - and shushed the child up!

That's how it happens.  That's how we learn to be nice.  As children we are sensitive, we feel it when things don't fit together.  If we say something that exposes the truth, that upsets the people around us and they don't want to address what's going on, we get told that we're wrong, that we've misunderstood, that we're stupid.  And we believe them because they're the adults, they know stuff.

Feelings are never wrong.  They may not be processed well, they may be difficult to communicate, but I will always trust feelings over what is said.  It makes life messy at times, but it also makes it much richer, alive and full of possibility.

Relationships die in the world of nice, where no-one wants to talk about the real issues.  Eventually the hard conversations are had in the heated furnace of an argument where they do terrible damage and everyone gets hurt.

You may need to practice being true, you'll probably need to work on your delivery.  You may need a bit of guidance to understand how to communicate what you're really feeling, but the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort of learning new skills.  You'll get back all that amazing, bubbling, fizzing enthusiasm for life you had as a kid and you will light up the world, just like you promised!

Don't be nice, be true.  You're amazing when you're true.

You reap what you sow: planting sustainable relationships

Spring is here and it's time to get planting in your relationships as well as the garden!

For my first attempt at growing vegetables I planted carrots. Watching my son race around the garden with his friends and then stop, pull a carrot out of the ground, wipe it on his trousers and eat it remains a fond and abiding memory. 

It was a delight to watch him share the carrots with his mates, but we never got to eat any; they polished them off before any carrot ever got a chance to get to the table! Being new to growing veg, I had no idea how many to sow, what the long term needs of the family would be - or even how the whole system worked!

This is a problem that also surfaces in relationships. When there is little understanding of the process and purpose of relationship, the focus tends to be on making sure immediate needs are met.   If there is no commitment and dedication to planting the seeds of respect, true communication and forgiveness (which would sustain everyone) the result is a kind of emotional starvation that will eventually lead to relationship famine.   The relationship becomes incapable of feeding anyone.

Guidelines for long-term, sustainable and fruitful relationships:

• Communicate openly and honestly.  Putting up with situations in order to avoid conflict creates drought like conditions.  A willingness to discuss difficult subjects shows a commitment to the health of the relationship.  Sometimes a dying plant only needs water to revive it.  You may have to dig deep to find the water and if you fear conflict, coaching can help you with improved communication skills.
• Develop your emotional vocabulary.  Our emotions are the nutrients that allow us to blossom, grow and be productive.  Clients often ask me for a written list of feelings so they can find one to describe what is going on for them.  Being able to identify, experience and express feelings is vital not just for your long-term health but for the growth of the relationship,
• Open your heart, whatever it takes. Every plant needs sunshine to grow and an open heart allows the light to shine.  A closed heart kills the spirit, shrinks vitality and shuts down the life-force.
• Put yourself in the centre of your life. Self-development creates a fertile environment for creativity and inspiration.  It not only improves your quality of life, it feeds your relationship too.

Happy Planting!

Mothers and Daughters

'By the time a woman realises her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she is wrong.' 

  

My mother was in the delivery room as I was giving birth to my first child.  I'm still not sure how she got there - but then again, I doubt anyone would have told her to leave.  She would have given them one of her old fashioned looks which basically says "There's nothing here I haven't seen before." 

Anyway, there I was at the painful end huffing and puffing and - well - mooing for some reason, with my husband bravely holding a cool flannel to my head and trying to avoid seeing anything gory.  My mother was at the action end with a look of mild impatience, which I like to believe was masking her excitement.  

Of her five children I was her only daughter and the birth of her first grandchild was a big event for us both.  I was glad and touched that she had turned up unannounced and, although a little embarrassed to be 'revealing' so much of myself to her, I knew this was a turning point in our relationship.

Finally my daughter arrived and was placed in my arms.  "I've got a baby, I've got a baby" I kept repeating.  "Well, what were you expecting?" my mother asked "A rabbit?".  

I laughed softly and then, looking down at my darling newborn daughter I was overcome with awe, love and a deep understanding.  I knew I loved this tiny being with a fierce and protective love and that I had been waiting for her my whole life.  I also knew that underneath all the misunderstandings and heartbreak between us, this was exactly how my mother felt about me.

Cradling my daughter in my arms, I looked into my mother's eyes and said: 'I am so sorry.  Thank you.'  

She sat very still, gave me a gentle nod, and our healing journey began.

Life and other revolutions.

Warning: this could change your life, forever.

Never underestimate the power of a small group of committed people to change the world. In fact, it is the only thing that ever has.  Margaret Mead.

Women have a powerful ability to create profound and lasting change through something that comes naturally to them: the power of relationship. The only problem is no-one told us this was our talent, many of us have forgotten how to use it effectively and we certainly can’t do it alone.

But when we rediscover it in the company of other courageous women....it can start a revolution!

So, if this glorious weather is making you want to break out and do something exciting, you might be interested in the next Family@Heart course I’m running.

From a previous participant: Kim's Family@Heart course has been a beyond words experience for me where I discovered a whole new way of thinking and ability to apply a pause button to enable me to have more meaningful relationships .
The book alone is worth the course price and I think everyone should invest in themselves under Kim's total commitment to get you over any doubts you may have about yourself.
Just do it!!!! 

I’ve called this course Family@Heart, because I believe that every woman’s heart holds a deep desire and natural talent to help others and make a difference in the world.  Your innate feminine gifts of emotional intelligence, intuition, creativity and compassion are powerhouse tools that have been neglected too long, this 6-week course shows you how to blow off the dust and use them confidently to change your life and help others do the same.

If you, or someone you know, is interested in making a difference the next morning course  (9.30 – 12.30) starts Tuesday 6th May for 6-weeks. If evenings are your thing Wednesdays 7th May 6.30-9.30.  (May 27/28 no class for half-term).

If you’d like to know more do give me a call on 07789 408378 or email me here.  There's more info here too. 

Here’s what other participants have been saying:
I wouldn’t have missed the course for the world and I know I am so much happier for all the work that I have done with you and cannot thank you enough for holding my hand through it..  Things have changed with my children, which is such a fantastic starting point.

It really has been amazing to apply the principles that I learnt from you in the Family@Heart course to my relationship.  Things which would have become big problems in the past, we're now able to talk through sooner, take ownership of and transform.  I honestly can't thank you enough!  

I wanted to express my heartfelt thanks to you for starting me on such an amazing journey.  It feels such a profound shift in such a short time, despite my independent nature and initial resistance to group work.  You are right!  It’s the way to faster healing and I have absolutely loved the connection with the group.  I look forward to continued ‘unpeeling’!

In groups and 1-2-1 situations, Kim creates a safe space to explore difficult and painful situations and relationships.  With wisdom empathy, compassion and humour Kim shows you patterns of behaviour that are creating repeated conflict and pain in your life.  With that new awareness you can chose more positive and constructive responses to any situation and really transform your life for the better.  Kim has a true gift to share through her work. 

Email Kim or phone 07789 408378 to book your place now.

How to spin emotional straw into relationship gold

Often what drives a couple to separate is actually the same thing that could take their relationship to a new level of love and bonding.

When we fall in love we tell ourselves ‘this is the person to help me live happily ever after’ but really we would stand a greater chance of happiness, love and long-term success if we recognised that ‘this is the person I am going to hell and back with’!  Not because relationships are a living hell (although I admit, it can sometimes feel like it), but because relationships offer an amazing opportunity to heal anything in us that is the opposite of love. 


Emotional literacy - being able to identify emotions and communicate about them - is a vital skill for successful relationships in every area of life.  In simple terms:  when someone upsets us, we feel something.  We may not even understand what the feeling is but its not pleasant.  We may feel hurt, rejected, sad, inadequate (it can take time to identify the feeling as we have been well trained to avoid them).  If that feeling has an echo of a painful experience from our childhood, it will set of an emotional chain reaction.  We begin to feel the deeper emotion and, whilst we believe we are relating to an event in the present, our emotional age just got much younger.  We start to process the past event as well.  

If we numb ourselves to what is going on inside, we can't work through the emotions successfully.  We find it hard to communicate effectively and end up feeling even more misunderstood, compounding the feelings of hurt.  It is a downward spiral.


Your subconscious mind is the main driver in your relationships; it houses your childhood experiences, drives your behaviour and determines your level of emotional intelligence. Even if we vow we are going to do it differently from our parents, we don't realise that as we relax into the relationship the strategies we learned from childhood and early models of relationship start to run us.   'God you're just like your mother/father' can be a declaration of war in some relationships, so resistant are we to acknowledging the influence they have had on us.

 
We are trained to bury our emotions, but I see them as the emotional straw that can be turned into relationship gold.  When you are willing to do growth work in self-awareness and emotional maturity and learn to process emotions consciously, you can transform a devastating experience into a positive and loving outcome. 


It takes courage to be vulnerable in relationship, to reveal the places in you that feel inadequate, unworthy, fearful.  It may seem easier to believe the relationship can survive without you revealing this part of yourself, but learning to be open with yourself and others can enhance the connection and build greater intimacy, trust, love and create successful, sustainable relationships.

Can you say the C word?

Commitment: Heaven or Hell?

Its a word that brings conversation to a halt, makes people uncomfortable and can be very upsetting.

I'm talking about the biggest C word of all - Commitment.

People get scared of commitment because they believe it means being tied down, but true commitment is actually the key to freedom. 

Simply put, commitment means becoming emotionally engaged.  It takes effort, it takes courage and it certainly takes practice - but the long term benefits far outweigh the short term discomfort of learning something new.

And Commitment gets your life out of the doldrums.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with the first step.


If the idea of commitment fills you with dread, then its likely you're  trying to run before you can walk.  Let's  break the process down into manageable chunks. 

Commitment is an art and a practice and has several levels. 

Level 1: Its all about you!
You can't solve any problem if you're overwhelmed or lack confidence, so the first level of commitment needs to be to yourself. 

Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act, it's a sign of leadership.  It is a clear communication that you are ready to lead your life rather than have life lead you by the nose.  If you feel like your spinning too many plates or that you are constantly firefighting - its a sign that you've let life run away with you by putting everyone's needs ahead of your own.

The guiding principle here is:  I am worthy of self-compassion.

There are lots of resources out there to help strengthen the commitment to yourself (including inspiring and helpful video and book pages on this blog) It's also why I created the Family@Heart course; it taps right into this level and opens the door to a whole new way of living.

Level 2: Honest Communication
You're the common denominator in all areas of your life.  Whether its family, friends, work, health or finances, how you feel about yourself will dictate how successful you feel about life, and how well you enjoy it.

As your confidence and self-worth improves the next level of commitment is to living your life wholeheartedly.  You may begin to recognise behaviours and patterns in yourself or your relationships that are not helpful and the skills you develop as you commit to your own well-being will help you communicate more honestly about them.  The guiding principle here: Its important to me that I am authentic with you.
  
Level 3: Partnership
Partnership means creating a relationship based on equality. Most of us were not fortunate to experience a healthy model of partnership growing up and have very little to work with when it comes to creating it in our relationships.   Unhappy relationships are built on foundations of competition and inequality so the guiding principle here is: your success and happiness is as important to me as my own.

Partnership refuses to use the real dirty c-word in relationship - compromise.  With compromise everyone loses, commitment at this level makes resolution the goal - an outcome that everyone is happy with.  It may take longer, it may be difficult at times but this is what true commitment means: the process of mutual understanding, forgiveness and acceptance no matter how many conversations, or how difficult they may be.

The paradox is that when you get to this level you might discover some relationships are over, but the decision to move on is reached through love and understanding rather with blame and guilt - and the fall-out is far less damaging to all involved.

Marriage, parenting, caring for elderly parents, running a business: all require high levels of emotional maturity in order to create successful partnership. You can't get to level 3 without working on yourself, but the moment you start taking care of yourself commitment changes from being something that strikes fear in your heart to a way of opening up to a wholehearted life.

Ready to get started? Sign up for the next Family@Heart course in May.  

Make the commitment to yourself first here! 

Having a Domestic & a marriage-saving pancake recipe.

What do you do when you and your partner have totally different opinions about how the family handle domestic chores?

Just last week my teenage son deposited his considerable pile of dirty laundry next to the washing machine.  Heigh ho, I was doing a dark wash anyway so I loaded his in too and set the machine off before going to work - reminding him to hang it up to dry when it was finished

When I returned home I discovered that he had indeed emptied the washing machine - straight into the tumble drier.  When I asked why, my husband replied 'Oh, I told him to just chuck it in'.

Thank God for email.  I was so livid I made myself a cup of tea and went to check mine knowing I needed to give myself some space before I said anything I might regret.

The next morning I felt ready to discuss Laundrygate.  I didn't want to talk to my son - yet - I needed to clear the air with my husband first.

To be honest, even though I was making delicious banana pancakes for us both, he did not meet my request to talk with the greatest of enthusiasm.  In fact, when I asked if we could talk about the laundry incident he promptly walked away and started looking out of the window!

To be even more honest, I was nervous about opening up this topic anyway - it could so easily fall into an argument about who was right and who was wrong.  So I decided to start there - to explain that I felt nervous, that I was worried about bringing up this subject and that it wasn't about blame or criticism,  I wanted to talk about it because I was upset about what had happened and there were some important issues I wanted to clear up.

My husband turned back from the window (the pancakes were ready) and we opened up the conversation.  I explained that I had wanted our son to hang up his laundry for several reasons; firstly, not because I want to be the Laundry Police; our son is on the verge of adulthood and my focus is no longer on being a 'mummy' but on helping him develop the skills he needs for adult life.  The experiences in my own life and in my work have shown me that household issues can become a REALLY BIG DEAL in a relationship and as a mother I want to help him understand that domestic skills are also important life-skills.

Secondly, the drier is a greedy beast that devours fossil fuels and is not something to be used unthinkingly.  If I had been doing the laundry I would have hung the wet stuff up to dry.  It can be a boring, mind-numbing job I know, but having a good system helps the general flow of laundry traffic.

But there was a third, even more important issue here, and it was the one that had the biggest charge for me.  When I really investigated why I had felt so upset I realised that I felt I was being cast as the mean one by asking my son to do the laundry and that there was a game of Good Cop/Bad Cop going on.  You know, the one where one of you is the nice, kind, cuddly parent and the other the mean, strict, stressy one?

The Bad Cop tells them to clean up their room the Good Cop laughs and takes them out for ice-cream.  The Bad Cop asks for the dishes to be cleared away, the Good Cop starts a tickling game.  The Bad Cop sticks to bedtime routine the Good Cop lets them stay up as long as they like.

In most relationships one partner tends to be more 'disciplined' than the other and the roles can sometimes reverse, depending on circumstances.  There will always be differences of opinion and ways of handling situations, but the important thing to remember is the impact playing Good Cop /Bad Cop can have when there is no awareness of the dynamic, or when it is being used to score points off each other.    Unresolved issues in a relationship makes the Good Cop/Bad Cop game really nasty; the conflicting messages are confusing to the children and create stress, plus in the race to score points the children are forced to choose and by doing so they suffer.

Even though I'm long in the parenting tooth this dynamic is an old pattern in our relationship and, like a pernicious weed, it keeps coming up just when I think its all gone.  However, I am committed to addressing my part in it and it's not that I want to be the Good Cop, I just don't want to play the game at all anymore.  I want to keep building partnership and I know that in order to do so I have to be willing to change the way I handle the situations that trigger me.

Instead of falling into Bad Cop mode ( blame & punishment) I gave myself some time to identify what it was that really bothered and then talked about it.  It wasn't easy, I went off track a few times, but I kept reminding myself that to change the pattern I needed to remain open, communicate honestly and set my goal for mutual understanding.  How to have a difficult conversation

It would have been easy to dismiss this event as just a domestic hiccup, but the small events offer a great opportunity to work on relationship and deepen the partnership.  Sometimes working on the 'silly' stuff is much more effective - and easier - than having to address the same thing when the problems become serious.  Plus the benefit is that by doing so you learn how to build a strong foundation of true partnership for your family to grow up on .

Here's a link to the recipe for marriage-saving pancakes and another to get in touch if you want further help!

Loving Boundaries.

Years ago, when we were newly married and living overseas, a friend of my husband's came to stay.  He arrived with his girlfriend, which was a bit of a surprise, but we said nothing - after all they were only staying for two nights and we had the room.

That someone treats you badly is their responsibility, that you allow them is yours.

A week later when they had eaten us out of house and home, borrowed money and even helped themselves to clothes from our wardrobe for a smart lunch they'd been invited to, we I finally cracked and told them to go.  I had been simmering with resentment and anger for days and whilst it felt great to be rid of them, I was left feeling shame and guilt that I had handled it so badly, which made me resent them even more.

During her research on shame and empathy author Dr Brene Brown discovered a group of participants who displayed extraordinary levels of compassion.  Curious to know what it was that enabled these people to live so open-heartedly, what she discovered was truly enlightening.   The people who were able to show deep compassion were the same people who had very clear and definite boundaries!  It would seem that caring about yourself is the secret to truly caring about others.

When being liked, not wanting to make a fuss or the fear of creating conflict is greater than your courage to say no, you build your life on very shakey ground - one upset too far and the whole thing comes tumbling down.  Learning to build healthy boundaries is like creating strong foundations for life.  It can be hard work to begin with as you overcome your fears (of rejection, conflict, self-doubt) yet it is only way to build a strong, stable, confident, loving, wholehearted life.

If I had had the courage all those years ago to say 'Well, I'll admit I was only expecting one of you, but you're welcome to stay for two nights' there would have been very little room for misunderstanding and any over-stepping of boundaries would have been easier to address.  However, at that time I had no idea how to process my discomfort, let alone communicate my boundaries.  When I did finally erupt I was driven by feelings of resentment and communicated so poorly I was left feeling just as bad after they'd left as I had when they were staying.

Courage is the ability to speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

Compassion is a practise, it requires careful attention to the inner dialogue and to the uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability.  Compassion is an act of courage, it asks us to acknowledge our vulnerability and speak up.  We demonstrate compassion by caring about ourselves, it allows us to create more honest relationships because when we put boundaries in place we are really saying 'it is important to me that I am authentic with you'.

Ever felt like a doormat?  Ever given up something that is important to you because you want to keep the peace?  Do you spend your life worrying about what others think of you, sacrificing your happiness to keep others happy?

Having clear boundaries shouldn't be mistaken for meanness, or being selfish.  There is a difference between boundaries and defences.  Selfish, self-centred behaviour is driven low self-worth and makes others feel the same.  Healthy boundaries are established by someone willing to invest in their own self-worth, who also believes that others are deserving of the same.

Healthy boundaries are a sign of love and compassion for yourself and others.  Healthy boundaries are the sign of a loving heart.

Want to learn how to build loving boundaries?  Contact Kim for coaching or sign up for the next Family@Heart training course.

The Princess, the Prince & the Dragon.

We all love a good story - or even a bad one.  We love them so much we illustrate cave walls with them, gather round the campfire to hear them, sit in theatres to see them acted out, flock to the cinema to be entertained by them and slump in front of the telly to be transported by them.

Why?

Because we are story telling creatures.  It helps us find our place in the world, to make sense of our experiences, to heighten our awareness and to  ease our suffering.

In Ancient Greece dream hospitals were sanctuaries where patients' symptoms - be they physical, emotional or spiritual - were treated using a variety of methods including story telling.  As night descended stories of love, war and great dering-do were told using the Earth's original outdoor movie screen: the night sky.  The characters created from the constellations were the first movie stars, their bold and dramatic adventures helped patients identify their inner turmoil by activating their imagination and triggering their emotions.


Every myth, every fairy tale, every fable is also an exploration of the human psyche. They are stories created by humans for humans about the human experience and reveal the deep patterns of the unconscious mind. They are painted with bold brush-strokes on the canvass of our imagination.

Learning to see how those bold brush strokes have been drawn in fine pen onto the fabric of your daily life can give powerful insights about the patterns - both helpful and destructive - in your life and relationships.


I often see couples weave their relationship fairy tale into a nightmare.  When the woman unconsciously sees herself as the Princess and her man as the Prince, a knight in shining armour, she has an expectation that he will rescue her, all her dreams will come true and they'll live happily ever after.

When the man loves the idea of being the hero, and battles the evil foe to rescue his Beloved, he sets himself a high standard of behaviour to maintain. In the early Romance phase of a relationship this is a large part of the attraction.  Alongside falling in love, a couple can fall in love with Love.  Both parties are equally deluded, determined to remain oblivious to their psychology and to the fact that a fairy tale is a fragile fantasy and true relationship is woven from a much stronger thread.

After a while the Princess gets bored of waiting around, complaining he doesn't pay her any attention as he's so busy fighting dragons!  The Prince, realising his Beloved has disappeared, begins to feel his heroic efforts are unappreciated, he suspects the Princess may have turned into the very dragon he's fighting!  Having lost his motivation, he goes off in search of another Princess to impress.

How do you know you are living out a 'story'?  Where do you feel disappointed about your life?  Disappointment is always a sign that there was an expectation - a hidden demand about how you thought things should be. Whenever you experience disappointment its a sign you're running a story.

How do you know what story it is?  Start with asking yourself what your favourite story was as a child?  Who was your favourite character?  Can you see the pattern of that story in any way in your life now?  Who plays all the different characters?  Remember, in some stories there are characters who don't get to experience a 'happy ever after'!

If you're ready to rewrite your story contact Kim on kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378

Family@Heart

       

         Could this be you?

Warning. 

The skills you develop on this course will not only improve the quality of your relationships and increase your experience of love and self-acceptance, this course could change your life!  Read what others have said about it.

Whether it’s your love-life, friendships, family or work, the person who has the biggest influence on your relationships is you.  The greater your levels of emotional intelligence, the more you understand your own strengths and vulnerabilities; the more resources of empathy, understanding and compassion you can access, the more successful all of your relationships will be.

Course Outline:

Module 1:  How do you feel? Discover the power of the mind and what is really driving bad behaviour. Understand the nature of emotion and how to help others without losing yourself in the process.	Module 2:  It only hurts when I stop. Learn the real reason for loss of connection in relationships and the belief systems that keep  you stuck. Discover the gift of vulnerability beneath the mask.
Module 3: I’m all ears! Learning the Art of Communication: simple techniques that could make all the difference.	Module 4: Can we talk? 10 principles of Transformational Communication: the secret to creating resolution rather than compromise.
Module 5: Here we go again… The Stages of Relationship: what goes wrong and why.  Revealing the secret language spoken in all relationships.	Module 6: Pardon Me! The Art of Forgiveness: discover powerful problem-solving tools for increasing love and happiness.

For more information and to book your place for Family@Heart

contact Kim Millar on 07789 408378 or email kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk.  www.relationshiptraining.co.uk

Next  courses starting September: mornings Tuesdays 9.30-12.30 
                                                          or evenings Wednesdays 6.30 - 9.30