All in the Family

Each has his past shut in him like a book, known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title. Virginia Wolf

Family can be a wonderful place of acceptance, support, love and laughter, somewhere we retreat to when we just want to be ourselves.  It is also the place where we first learn to pretend.  

To a child the most important thing in the world is family, it represents safety and security.  If the family structure feels threatened, a child will do anything to save it.  Most of us at some time whilst growing up have experienced emotional stress and, in a misguided attempt at trying to save the family and as a coping strategy, assumed a role.

A role is just that - a part we play, a script we act out.  It isn't who we really are, it is something we do to keep the show on the road, keep the family together, to avoid feeling the vulnerability, fear and heartbreak of childhood.  There are 5 family roles.

The Hero

The 'Golden Child' who can do no wrong.  They go out and excel in a misguided attempt to bring a feeling of success to the family.  When there is a problem in the family they assume the lead position, wanting to be in charge and believing they have the answers or solutions.  'Okay, stand aside, I'll sort this out'. The Hero's golden status can cause the family to depend on him/her emotionally and financially and often needs to find someone in the family to criticize in order to reaffirm their own status.

The Martyr

'I'm fine, don't worry, you go ahead and enjoy yourselves.' The one who gives up on their own needs in order to take care of others.  They always know who is alone, feeling left out and suffering.  They are the helper, the pleaser, the 'little mother/father' who shoulders the burdens in order to keep the peace and stop the pain.  Martyrs feel their job is to help others and often prevent anyone else from being able to help.  When the problems go away they look for more in order to avoid the gaping hole that is their life.  The Martyr believes that once the problems are sorted the family will be saved; but because they don't include themselves, the family can never be saved.

The Scapegoat

The 'naughty' one, the troublemaker, the gang leader, clumsy, unruly etc etc.  The one who everyone points the finger at.  The Scapegoat acts out the bad feelings in the (hidden) hope that a higher authority will come in and sort the family out.  'If I get in to trouble at school maybe the teacher will come and tell mummy and daddy to stop fighting'

These three roles are driven by the guilt of not saving the family.  The next two roles are driven by a feeling of inadequacy - who they are is not enough to be of help.

The Charmer/Mascot
The one everyone loves, the one everybody enjoys spending time with.  They can be the life and soul of the party, the entertainer, the 'darling' putting on a great show and making everyone feel good.  But they go home alone.

The Lost Child/Orphan
'Where you there, I didn't see you?' The lost child will withdraw from the family in order to save everyone else.  They feel the burden of the family stress and believe that removing themselves either physically or energetically will be the best solution.  The Lost Child might starve themselves, get sent to boarding school, live overseas - even die - as an attempt to save the family.

Each of us has played all five roles at some time in our lives, but we also have our favourite - the one that is our default setting when stress levels build. They act as a kind of armour, a compensatory behaviour to mask any feelings of vulnerability.  But they also prevent us from growing, from healing and from building authentic relationships with others.

When we're young and have plenty of energy we can manage the weight of the heavy armour that comes with the role.  But as we get older we start to feel the burden and it begins to sap our reserves, we feel exhausted, depleted, burned out.  Depression, addiction, burnout, feelings of hopelessness are all signs that the role has outlived its usefulness and that it is time to shed the weight of old wounds.

It is never too late to have a happy childhood, it is never too late to find your true place within your family.  Under each role is a more genuine, authentic characteristic - a quality that you bring to the mix that allows you to take your true place not just in your family, in your life too.

Who are you, really?  Wouldn't you like to find out?  And isn't it time you knew?

Light up your Life with a Creative Spark

You know something has happened when you wake up at 3.30am and instead of feeling exhausted or filled with dread and anxiety, you feel inspired and want to get up and be creative.

That's what happened to me the other night.

I had spent the previous day having the time of my life learning to use a chalk paint my daughter had told me about.  Annie Sloan paint comes with a health warning - it is seriously addictive. You can use it on anything and in so many different ways, you suddenly see the world differently....and want to cover it all with paint!  My mind was buzzing after the course and when I woke up in the early hours I felt so inspired I just padded downstairs and started painting a battered old tea tray!

Before

 Since last week I have not stopped.  I cleared part of the garage that was a dumping ground for the kids' rubbish stuff, got myself some plastic sheeting and set to.  At one point I had 5 different pieces on the go as I wanted to continue painting whilst something was drying.  It is so much fun and, rather like the sewing course I did earlier this year, it has filled me with inspiration (not to mention revamped some tired old pieces of furniture!)

The neurons that fire, wire.

Research on the brain has shown that learning new skills fires up new brain cells (neurons) which then start to build new neural pathways.  Our brain will continue to grow and evolve if we keep it stimulated - and the same is true for us and our relationships.

During

Creative energy is your Life Force, its the thing that makes you uniquely you and is one of the 5 vital ingredients for happy relationships.  When you find an outlet for self-expression it floods the brain with good feelings - and you bring that energy back into your relationships.

If you feel stuck, stifled or just pain bored - give yourself a treat and try something new just for the fun of it.  Not only will the change of habit shake things up a bit, your brain cells will wake up and start firing new feel good messages.  Life starts to look very different, your sparkle and enthusiasm becomes infectious - inspiring others to go out and rediscover their hidden talents.

I did my course at Ivory and Pitch in Hampshire - they were lovely and there was a delicious lunch too!  There are many courses around the country - go on, try it!  I'd love to know how you get on.

After!

It's not Rock Science!

 The problem with feeling stuck is that the more you resist it, the more stuck you feel.  And if feeling stuck isn't bad enough,  the constant nagging inner voice becomes increasingly critical, judgmental, negative and loud.  Just when you need help and support to make clear choices, your inner world becomes a highly stressed noisy environment where corrosive words eat away at your confidence and undermine your ability to move forward.  Without awareness of what is going on, you can be stuck in this pattern for years.

When my daughter would get stuck in her Italian lessons her teacher would say, in a gentle Italian accent,  'Don't worry, it's not Rock Science'.  It always made my daughter smile and the immediate change of mood helped her to see things more clearly.

Even though its a little slow coming Spring is on its way here in the UK and Nature is busy making plans for summer, regardless.  Like Nature, we need to understand that there is always a next phase, and feeling stuck in your life or relationship is a sign that you're fighting the process of change.  We just need to learn how to recognize when we need to change and to not be afraid of it - and make sure we've got the resources to handle it.

It's a valuable life skill to understand the process of change and be able to read the signs and signals in both our inner and outer worlds; we become more resilient and emotionally centred and are able to make wiser, more considered choices.

It's not Rock Science: you are both the problem and the solution!

4 steps to a change of mind.

Create a morning practice.  Whether it is a walk in nature, writing a journal, meditation or gentle breathing exercises, check in with yourself and set your intention for the day. You need a quiet space within to hear the wisdom of your inner voice.

Identify what you need to learn.  What skill do you feel is missing, what do you think you need?  Perhaps you want to communicate better, to learn to forgive or to assert yourself.  Maybe there's a skill you want to learn or a course you need to take - get clear about what it is you really need to help you move forward.

Take Action.   Make it easy, take baby steps, but do it.  Develop your skill and work on it.  Daily.

Commit to growth and transformation.  You are going to change anyway, why not engage in the process actively and with enthusiasm! You'll be amazed what you'll discover when you include yourself in the dance of life!

Try these four steps to develop the skills for being the leader of your life, rather than have life lead you.

How to get your life on track

Ruth Field's fun and inspiring book,  Run, Fat Bitch, Run  has changed my attitude to exercise.  “If you want to lose weight, get fit and become an ass-kicking, gets-things-done superwoman, there’s only one thing left to do … RUN!”  says the author.  


She doesn't advocate hitting the floor running, but mapping out a route and walking it with determination, then slowly building up stamina, endurance and determination until you are able to run the whole distance.  I like the no-nonsense message in the book because it echoes what I feel about relationships; no, not 'when things get tough, RUN', but if something isn't working stop complaining and start taking effective action.

If it hurts, forgive. 

It seems almost counter-intuitive that the most effective action you can take when you are struggling in relationship is to learn the art of forgiveness.  I could talk about developing better communication skills, addressing commitment issues, improving self-worth - all of these are important parts of the process, but forgiveness is the path that allows the process to run smoothly.  It determines the ease and effectiveness of any conversation, relieves the burden of guilt or shame and is the route to take when you want the outcome to be great relationships and a happier, more wholehearted life.  


We may loftily say “I can forgive, but I can’t forget” but that's not forgiveness, that's taking the moral high ground – whilst rubbing someone's nose in the dirt and compounding feelings of guilt and shame.  

Like running, forgiveness takes effort, it takes practice and you need to train yourself to do it.   It hurts because you have to be willing to get out of your comfort zone and become pro-active rather than sitting around feeling resentful, hurt, guilty or ashamed.  Forgiveness means that you give of yourself - to give forth - no-one can do it for you and you have to want do it because you'd rather be happy than stay miserable.

When it comes to forgiveness it doesn’t matter where or how you start, what matters is where you want to end up. Whether you start by forgiving yourself, the other person, the circumstances, the dog – whomever or whatever you believe is responsible for making you feel so bad - the more you do it, the better you will feel. The better you feel, the more forgiving you become - of others and of yourself.

Forgiveness, like running, is good for the heart and helps shed pounds of ill-feeling, it lightens your mood, alleviates stress and creates goodwill. You feel looser, lighter, freer. Forgiveness develops your emotional intelligence and allows you to live more wholeheartedly.

If you want fit, healthy relationships and to get your life on track, start with forgiveness in mind and keep going.  Begin with baby steps, make it easy and focus on where you want to be in the end, you'll be amazed (and amazing) with the results.

  

How to make your bed!

A few years ago, whilst we watched our children play in a park, I chatted with a friend about home life and the levels of chaos we could cope with.  I said a hectic family life felt manageable if my kitchen was clean and tidy, a messy kitchen didn't bother my friend, to cope she needed an orderly bedroom.

It sounds silly, but I was distinctly unsettled by this.  How she could cope coming back to a messy kitchen and have to get a meal ready?  Or be at home and be able to get on with anything knowing there were dishes in the sink? She just commented that an unmade bed unsettled her more than a messy kitchen.

We all have our different triggers - the things that set of alarm bells of stress and anxiety.  For me a messy kitchen can make me feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. For my friend an unmade bed left her feeling ungrounded and unsettled.  However, for all of us the real solution is to develop a practise that gives us the skills to handle whatever life offers us. Karen Maezen Miller, a Zen Buddhist priest and author, is also a wife, mother and home-maker.  I love her 10 tips for a Mindful Home - simple but powerful guidelines for making any space you are in sacred - and home.

10 tips for a Mindful Home


Wake with the sun
There is no purer light than what we see when we open our eyes first thing in the morning.

Sit
Mindfulness without meditation is just a word.

Make your bed
The state of your bed is the state of your head.  Enfold your day in dignity.

Empty the hampers
Do the laundry without resentment or commentary and have an intimate encounter with the very fabric of life.

Wash your bowl
Rinse away self-importance and clean up your own mess.  If you leave it undone, it will get sticky.

Set a timer
If you're distracted by the weight of what's undone, set a kitchen timer and, like a monk in a monastery, devote yourself wholeheartedly to the task at hand until the bell rings.

Rake the leaves
Rake, weed or sweep.  You'll never finish for good, but you'll learn the point of pointlessness.

Eat when hungry
Align your inexhaustible desires with the one true appetite.

Let the darkness come
Set a curfew on the internet and TV and discover the natural balance between daylight and darkness, work and rest.

Sleep when tired
Nothing more to it.

Making myself clear

When we were teenagers my father would save articles, job adverts, book reviews and other so-called ‘interesting snippets’ he found in the newspaper and leave them on the breakfast table for me and my brothers to read.  We’d dread coming down in the morning to see neatly cut out pieces of paper on the table.  Of course, being teenagers, we took this communication as a direct criticism; that he was disappointed in our achievements in the world and he knew better about what we should be doing with our lives.

Just the other day I recognised, with horror, that I was doing the 21^st century equivalent; sending my kids emails with links to articles, websites, ideas, Tedtalks, events and YouTube clips. Anything I thought they’d find useful, interesting, amusing, helpful and supportive.

I was wrong.

Okay, they’ve found some of them funny or touching and maybe even a little helpful at times, but mostly they’ve found them annoying, intrusive and interfering. I discovered that my loving missives were being received with a collective groan and a little resentment. 

I now realise what my father had really been trying to communicate by putting those notes in our breakfast bowls.  He hadn’t been judging us, he was expressing his belief in us.  

As a parent he could see our potential and was excited at the possibilities available to us.  Being a parent myself now I understand that his intention was to inspire and stimulate us to look beyond the world we knew,  to believe in ourselves and to reach for the stars.   

Communication can be so tricky.  You think you’re expressing love and support yet it can come across as being interfering and controlling.  What can seem like a bad attitude and being difficult is often someone feeling hurt and misunderstood.  

Learning how to make your inner and your outer communication consistant is the key, but first you have to know your own style of communication and discover the messages you're really giving. 

6 secrets to clear communication 

• Understand your feelings and be clear about the message you want the other person to receive.  Make sure your thoughts, words and actions are aligned.
• Speak from the heart.  What is said from the heart is heard in the heart. 
• Listen deeply.  The best communicators are those that listen with a deep intention to understand.
• Be observant. The spoken word is just 7% of our communication.  Much more is expressed with tone, body language, facial expressions, actions...and silence.  
• Be honest, open and willing to be wrong.  All communication is improved when defences are dropped.
• Be forgiving.  Everyone makes mistakes, even you!   

I've decided to look kindly on my own misguided attempts at helping my children but from now on there will be no more emails with ‘FYI’ or ‘Interesting?’ or ‘Saw This and Thought of You’ in the subject box.  Anytime I feel tempted to send them something I'll stop and send a clear message of love instead.  

  

What language does your heart speak?

Do you have a favourite childhood story?  What is your favourite film? Is there a poem, a song or a piece of music that touches you every time?   

I love films, they can help express matters of the heart.  We sometimes struggle to express our feelings because there is a point in our emotions when words become inadequate and we arrive at 'the inarticulate speech of the heart' - as Van Morrison so poetically named it.  Often when clients are struggling to express how they feel they will refer to a scene in a film, or a story or the lines in a song to help them pinpoint the emotion.

Film, music, art, literature - all help us to connect with our deeper self.  When my son was about 7 he told me  'music tells me secrets'.  At that tender age he intuitively understood the creative language of the soul.  We all know this place within us, but many of us have shut ourselves down and cut ourselves off from our greatest resource: emotion.  

Our ability to access our feelings and be comfortable with what we find there - both good feelings and difficult ones - contributes hugely to the quality of our relationships.

Learning how to articulate our deeper, tender feelings without feeling foolish, becoming more resilient and no longer withdrawing, blaming or shutting down when vulnerability is triggered is a life-long practice. The more we are able to experience all feelings - good and bad - the better our ability to connect with others.

What is your favourite film?  Do you have a favourite childhood story?  Is there a poem, a song or a piece of music that touches you every time?  What subtle emotions and messages is your hidden Self trying to communicate to you through them?  What lost part of you is speaking? What secrets of the soul are waiting to be discovered?

Relationship Training can help you understand what prevents you from connecting in your relationship.  We create a safe environment to talk about misunderstandings and help you develop tools and skills to build bridges, regain intimacy, love and friendship.