Sunday, May 6, 2012

I'd rather be committed

The actress Rita Wilson says that, after 23 years of marriage and knowing what she knows now, she would still marry her husband, Tom Hanks.  

This got me wondering.  I have been married 30 years and knowing what I know today,  would I still marry my husband?  Please don't misunderstand me, I love my husband and I am happy with our life together - but the question tugged at me like an insistent child wanting my attention. 
I went for a run and thought about the question.  I took the dog for a walk and contemplated it.  I worked in the garden and ruminated.  I did the ironing and pondered. You can probably tell, I gave it a great deal of thought. Having asked myself the question I wanted to be honest, really honest, both with myself and in my relationship.  

After a couple of days I discovered what had been nagging at me. Saying yes this time would mean giving 100% commitment and this thought had triggered an old belief that commitment means the end of freedom, a loss of identity, a surrender of power.  

You'd think that after all this time and given the nature of the work I do, I would have worked this one out, but as a coach I believe its important to keep doing personal research!

Our beliefs are like computer programmes, they have their own intelligence and can be extremely powerful. They develop from our childhood experiences and grow to run our lives. Even though as adults we decide we won't do things like our parents, the buried programmes start running with or without our consent.  

You begin a relationship believing you'll live happily ever after and then one day wake to discover you and your Beloved are out of the fairytale and into a nightmare, with no idea how you got there. 
A healthy relationship needs at least one person willing to communicate about a problem.
Giving yourself 100% to the relationship means making your partner's success and well-being as important to you as your own.  It is the fastest way to escape the trap of old, self-defeating beliefs and offers the best route to true freedom - the freedom to be yourself

Commitment to reaching resolution rather than settling for compromise, to being understanding and being understood rather than merely being right or feeling wronged will lead a relationship back from the edge and onto a whole new level of intimacy, love and friendship

By uncovering my old belief I was able to make another - more conscious - choice: to commit to partnership and equality100%.

And so, dear Reader, I married him.

How about you?

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