Friday, July 11, 2014

Breaking out of the relationship coma

You know you're in a relationship coma when you feel flat, bored, miserable, unhappy, resentful, overwhelmed, sexless, fat, old, uninspired, angry.......  Need I go on?

And of course its easy to blame old Whatisname - after all wasn't he supposed to be your Prince, wasn't he supposed to make all your dreams come true?  

In the beginning it was all Rose Petals and Romance.  All Hopes, Dreams and Love's True Dream.

Now? You're Flatlining and what you need is CPR.  

Creative Personal Research: 5-steps to waking up from a relationship coma.

1.  What's the Story?
Write down what your fantasy relationship looks like.  You know, the one you've been telling yourself since you were a little girl.  The fairy story where you get to live happily ever after.  If everything was going well it would be like what? What is your Fairytale?  How does the Princess spend her days?  What does her castle look like - full of beautiful things, well-behaved children, a dashing Prince?  How does her Prince look after her?  Does he protect her and slay any Dragon that threatens her happiness?

2.  Get Real.
What is actually going on in your life now?  Are you living the Dream or have you become the Dragon your Prince is trying to fight?  Is your life full of enchantment, flowers and Romance?  Or is there silence, misery and coldness at the heart of your relationship?  

3.  Take a Break.
One of the best things I did in my marriage was leave.  We were living overseas and I realised I was living a life that didn't include my needs and desires and pretty soon it wouldn't include the kids either as they would have had to go to boarding school to maintain their education.  I awoke from my coma and thought 'this wasn't what I signed up for'.  I realised I was living the wrong life and took the courageous step of reclaiming myself and moving back to the UK to embark on a life that included me.  I remember clearly saying to my husband 'I'm not leaving you, but I am leaving this life'.  

We're celebrating our 32nd anniversary later this month!

I'm not saying leave - but I am advocating that you break out from your coma.  Wake up to your old self and explore the life you had before you became bogged down in relationship.  What were you like before you met?  What were your passions, your hobbies, your dreams?  Did you paint, did you love to read for hours on end?  Did you have wild adventures? Did you laugh like crazy with your girlfriends?  Its time to reclaim those lost parts of yourself and introduce them back into your life - they're what made you irresistible in the first place and they contain the magic to make your relationship fizz!

4.  Stop Fooling Yourself.
Still not sure you've lost your way?  Here are some signs:

1.  You think of something you'd love to do and then immediately come up with reasons why you can't.
2.   You cook his favourite food and never stock the house with the foods you love.  
3.  You spend most of your days wearing clothes that are 'comfortable' and 'practical'.  
4.  You'd never fit those other clothes anyway - you feel too fat, too old, too past-it.
5.  You're fed up most days, some days you feel so dissatisfied you'd even bite your own face off. 
6.  You're scared that any kind of personal enquiry will open a can of worms, so you do anything for an quiet (coma-like) life.

5.  Get Going.
Like they they say on the emergency drill on the plane, place your oxygen mask on first.  
Then you'll be able to breathe life back into the relationship.  A divorce lawyer is very expensive therapy. Find a community of like-minded people, do a course in something that inspires you, that makes you smile, that brings you joy.  Get the support and encouragement you need to help you awaken to life and love again.

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