Crying Shame

I met someone the other day who last saw me when I was a little girl.

"Oh, I remember you," he said.  "You were always crying."

"I still am."  I replied.

I obviously showed a talent for it from an early age because I cry for a living now!

Don't get me wrong, I don't go round howling and sobbing, in fact I'd say most of the time I'm pretty chirpy, but these days I'm as comfortable with feeling tears of hurt as I am experiencing tears of laughter.  I've overcome the shame I used to feel as a child and the confusion and frustration I experienced being told to stop crying or that my feelings were wrong.  I've learnt to honour feelings of hurt, rejection and heartbreak and no longer feel shame or judge myself as weak or stupid if I feel vulnerable - I just see crying as point on my emotional spectrum.

With the right approach crying can help gather intelligence about a situation, it can feed back information about your circumstances and help you make better sense of your world.  Emotional intelligence isn't about controlling, naming or talking about emotions, it is the intelligence we gather from FEELING our emotions.

People often don't allow themselves to cry because being vulnerable brings up feelings of shame.  Many of us have been punished, teased or humiliated as children and make a solemn vow never to be be that vulnerable again.  As a result we either employ something like the Great British Stiff Upper Lip or we cry alone behind a locked door - and hate ourselves for it.

Crying, like love, is better when there's someone to share it with.  

Crying is an art and, like any new skill, can feel awkward at first.  The results can be a bit messy until you get the hang of it.  Now that I'm so good at crying I teach people how to do it.  Its actually very easy and can lead to something rather magical.  One of my clients calls it 'crying club', I think it is a source of creativity and like any creative art it needs practice and can be fun to do in a community of like minded people.  It also gives you membership to a laughter, creativity and friendship club.

This place inside, the crying place, can be a source of inspiration.  Poets, musicians and artists have used it to fuel their creativity.  Some don't want to heal their dark side for fear of losing their muse, but they have misunderstood the nature of their pain.

When we're out of practice and have a lot of 'cry' in us, we cry and all the other hurts try to escape at the same time, making the whole thing a little alarming.  However, with time and understanding you can get so good at it that there are few tears and little drama, just profound heartfelt emotion.

Being comfortable with your own vulnerability builds empathy and helps strengthen relationships.  Accepting your own emotions builds stronger bonds with others and understanding your feelings gives you the confidence to communicate better.

We don't realise that the strategies we use to hide our tears are so effective they block off the good feelings too; when we shut off our tears we deny our tears of laughter.

And that's a crying shame.

Family@Heart  starts September 2014.  Feeling your feelings and do it anyway!

 

Three words to poison a relationship

Do you know which three words will strike terror in the heart of a man?

"Can we talk?"

The moment a man hears his beloved say these three words he mentally paints a target on his chest as he awaits the dreaded, deadly pointed finger of blame.

I am no saint.  I am guilty of the same crime.  I spent years not understanding why my husband wouldn't talk about things that weren't working.  He couldn't.  He was too busy hunkering down trying to avoid the missiles I kept launching at him.

Then there came a day when I said it differently.  Instead of 'Can we talk' I said "I need to talk to you, I don't think its going to come out right but I'm not saying it because I want to fight, but because I want to sort it out."

Not elegant, not articulate but he UNDERSTOOD.  He actually says that was the moment he was able to hear I was trying to work something out and he didn't need to defend himself any more.

So many women say to me "We just don't talk and when we do it always ends up in an argument." or 'He won't talk to me'.

Let me explain something.  He doesn't know how to talk to you.  And actually - you don't know how to talk to him either.  If your man can't communicate with you then you need to work on your communication skills.  

Women are born communicators.  We're naturals.  Its just that we forget how to speak a language men can understand.  We're trying to get them to speak Woman.  Speaking Man doesn't work for us either so, as the leaders of communication women need to work on the ideal language for relationship, Love.

It can start really simply.  Just a couple of words that are without blame and criticism.  A smattering of appreciation. A few sentences where you own your feelings and take responsibility for your own happiness.  You have to make it safe for him to open up - and you'll be amazed at the results.

I can hear you already.  "But, why do I have to be the one to do all the work?'

My answer is always the same.

Because, sister, you are the Leader of the Relationship.  If you can see something isn't working, then you are the one who can provide the solution.  Beside,  the skills you need to help your relationship are skills that will help every area of your life - so it ends up win win win!

Breaking out of the relationship coma

You know you're in a relationship coma when you feel flat, bored, miserable, unhappy, resentful, overwhelmed, sexless, fat, old, uninspired, angry.......  Need I go on?

And of course its easy to blame old Whatisname - after all wasn't he supposed to be your Prince, wasn't he supposed to make all your dreams come true?  

In the beginning it was all Rose Petals and Romance.  All Hopes, Dreams and Love's True Dream.

Now? You're Flatlining and what you need is CPR.  

Creative Personal Research: 5-steps to waking up from a relationship coma.

1.  What's the Story?

Write down what your fantasy relationship looks like.  You know, the one you've been telling yourself since you were a little girl.  The fairy story where you get to live happily ever after.  If everything was going well it would be like what? What is your Fairytale?  How does the Princess spend her days?  What does her castle look like - full of beautiful things, well-behaved children, a dashing Prince?  How does her Prince look after her?  Does he protect her and slay any Dragon that threatens her happiness?

2.  Get Real.

What is actually going on in your life now?  Are you living the Dream or have you become the Dragon your Prince is trying to fight?  Is your life full of enchantment, flowers and Romance?  Or is there silence, misery and coldness at the heart of your relationship?  

3.  Take a Break.

One of the best things I did in my marriage was leave.  We were living overseas and I realised I was living a life that didn't include my needs and desires and pretty soon it wouldn't include the kids either as they would have had to go to boarding school to maintain their education.  I awoke from my coma and thought 'this wasn't what I signed up for'.  I realised I was living the wrong life and took the courageous step of reclaiming myself and moving back to the UK to embark on a life that included me.  I remember clearly saying to my husband 'I'm not leaving you, but I am leaving this life'.  

We're celebrating our 32nd anniversary later this month!

I'm not saying leave - but I am advocating that you break out from your coma.  Wake up to your old self and explore the life you had before you became bogged down in relationship.  What were you like before you met?  What were your passions, your hobbies, your dreams?  Did you paint, did you love to read for hours on end?  Did you have wild adventures? Did you laugh like crazy with your girlfriends?  Its time to reclaim those lost parts of yourself and introduce them back into your life - they're what made you irresistible in the first place and they contain the magic to make your relationship fizz!

4.  Stop Fooling Yourself.

Still not sure you've lost your way?  Here are some signs:

1.  You think of something you'd love to do and then immediately come up with reasons why you can't.

2.   You cook his favourite food and never stock the house with the foods you love.  

3.  You spend most of your days wearing clothes that are 'comfortable' and 'practical'.  

4.  You'd never fit those other clothes anyway - you feel too fat, too old, too past-it.

5.  You're fed up most days, some days you feel so dissatisfied you'd even bite your own face off. 

6.  You're scared that any kind of personal enquiry will open a can of worms, so you do anything for an quiet (coma-like) life.

5.  Get Going.

Like they they say on the emergency drill on the plane, place your oxygen mask on first.  

Then you'll be able to breathe life back into the relationship.  A divorce lawyer is very expensive therapy. Find a community of like-minded people, do a course in something that inspires you, that makes you smile, that brings you joy.  Get the support and encouragement you need to help you awaken to life and love again.

How big is your Brave?

You know when you have a really good idea and then all the doubt and fear come creeping in, eating away at your confidence and courage?  Me too!  I’ve just scared the life out of myself by having a wonderful idea, a huge vision for the future.

So you know what I did?  I downloaded the song ‘Brave’ off iTunes (okay it took some time ‘cos I’d forgotten my password), played it full blast in my kitchen and danced my socks off.  The dog loved it – even my husband was impressed!  Its going to be a PowerBoost song for the times when I feel doubt and fear overtaking me and I’m definitely playing this Saturday at the workshop, cos that’s when I’m going to be working on my new, crazy, amazing, exciting idea.

There are a couple of places left if you want to join in the creative playtime this weekend.


Watch the video, crank up the volume and dance.  I dare you to not laugh and cry at the same time.

As it says in the song, show me how big your Brave is!

Love is in the air!

I recently spent a glorious sunny morning making hydrosols from the Roman Chamomile (anthemis

Roman Chamomile

nobilis) and rose-scented geranium (perlagonium graveolens) harvested from my garden.

I love the fact that even in the deep winter I will be able to go to my very own Apothecary Store and bring out amazing therapeutic waters to use at home, in the office and with clients.

I use the hydrosols in a diffuser to create a calm, soothing atmosphere in my treatment rooms, it is also wonderful to use in a spray for an anxious child.

One client kept the lavender hydrosol mist spray I made for her in the car for the school pick up, creating a calm space for the kids to off-load stress.  It's proved so popular all her children now have their own bottles - and one has all her friends at school asking for some!  I love the fact that children are discovering the gentle power of natural aids to well-being.

My 'Muji' Diffuser

Another client going through chemo uses her hydrosol spray to settle her when she feels fearful and has found it also  helps her with the nausea.

Being a big advocate of the power of dreams, I've also blended a Sleep Mist to help create a relaxing, calm environment for deep sleep.

Hydrosols can be added to lotions, skin products (rosewater face mask!), soaps and laundry. These therapeutic waters are gentle and safe to use with children and babies. plus they can be used in food dishes and even cocktails (quite keen on trying the martini recipe I've found)!  I'm also having fun at the moment researching and developing products for babies in anticipation of my first grandchild!

The Apothecary is open!

They used to be thought of as the by-product of making essential oils and were often disregarded as waste after harvesting the oil that gathered on the surface of the water.  Recent research however, along with some ancient texts has confirmed the healing properties in the water soluble aromatic compounds contained in the plants.

Making hydrosols from my own chemical-free plants is one of my favourite things to do in the world.  As I watch the process unfold and breathe in the amazing aroma of each distillation I am filled with gratitude and wonder for the natural world.

So when you come to the Relationship Training Centre, you'll know by the gentle aroma that love really is in the air!

Who is leading your relationship? And is it going in the right direction?

We were on Module 4 of Family@Heart last night, entitled 'Can we talk?'.  Last week we did 'I'm all ears' exploring the many different ways of listening - which set us up beautifully for this week's module on communication.

We did some amazing group exercises, working on places where relationships get stuck and there were many 'aha' moments as the evening unfolded.

All relationships get stuck, its what happens, but that's just the surface event.  Discovering why and what to do about it requires a little more work and a bit of courage.  The work is around understanding the hidden dynamics that are running and the courage is being willing to be the one to change things.

'Why do I have to be the one to do all the work in the relationship?' is a cry I often hear.  My answer is always 'because you are the leader of the relationship'.  Leadership in relationship doesn't mean being the boss or in control, it means being willing to learn and grow in order to lead the relationship to a better place.

Resolving a problem in a relationship has three stages.

1.  Talk about it with the other person - if its sorted easily, job done.

2. If that just turns into another argument (the familiar dance of relationship death) then the next stage is to work on yourself.  Not give yourself a hard time, or give up on yourself - but begin your own inner work on self-worth and confidence.

3. With greater confidence and understanding you will be equipped with tools to go back and communicate more effectively, plus you'll have more inner- strength and self-belief to handle any outcome.

One of the biggest 'aha' moments for the group last night was the realisation that when there is a problem the most powerful and effective route to resolution is to get to the deepest feeling - and when they did so they recognised that it was exactly how the other person is feeling too.

Learning how to do this is a group and practising the skills in a safe, supportive environment has really boosted their confidence and given them the courage to communicate at a whole new level.  That's Leadership.

Next Family@Heart starting September.  Join the revolution!

5 Daily Habits for Successful Relationships

Simple principles to help your relationship flourish.

1.     Commit to the relationship!
There is an art to commitment, it doesn’t mean just sticking around.  Commitment simply means making the other person’s success and well-being as important to you as your own.  Doing so creates an environment where problems and difficulties are more easily addressed.   Committing to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness, no matter how many conversations it takes or how uncomfortable it gets, makes a relationship a safe place to deal with anything that comes up.

2.  Communicate openly and honestly.

When we feel something strongly and either don’t have the courage or the know-how to express it, it puts the relationship under strain.  To be open and honest you have to research how you are feeling and learn to communicate it skillfully. Telling the truth doesn’t need to be unkind but withholding information can also be used to wound another. Honest and open communication is a life-long learning process and strengthens the relationship.

3. Learn the art of forgiveness.

Blame and criticism erode the relationship. You may not be aware of being critical or complaining, although you may be aware of it in your partner! Remember, it takes two to run a cycle of blame and complaint, but only one to break it.  Find new and creative ways to communicate what does and doesn’t work for you, and take full responsibility for what is going on for you within the relationship.   You can change virtually anything you want in the relationship by breaking your own patterns and cycles.  

4.  Do things that make you happy.

Its time to get a life!  By doing things that you find stimulating and fulfilling you create you feel inspired, which brings fresh energy and life to the relationship. Everyone needs something that gives them meaning, that motivates them and gives them purpose.  Making the other person your reason for living is like being an emotional vampire, you'll suck the relationship dry!  We all have to find our own unique contribution and feel fulfilled by it and trying to find validation through our partner’s achievements will only lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment, which erode trust and confidence. 

5. Express your appreciation.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel, it is important for you and for them that it is communicated. When expressing appreciation make it genuine, personal and specific to the other person and do it as often and as creatively as you can! It may be something you say, something you do or even something you stop doing, but letting someone know how much you appreciate them could make their day - and yours.

If you need support working on these daily habits, why not try a Family@Heart course?  It's a great way to help you put these principles into action.  New courses starting in September. Contact me to book your place.

Creating Space

Paints, pens, stamps and stickers and stuff!

We had a blast at the Summer Loving workshop last Saturday.  A group of us gathered around a treasure chest of lovely stationery supplies to rediscover the art of play.

Creativity to me meant being good at drawing and painting but art lessons at school had felt like a form of torture. I really tried to make the marks on my paper resemble the bowl of fruit in front of me but it always felt utterly hopeless, especially when I saw how amazing the drawings by the people around me were.

The 'art scars' we pick up in childhood run very deep and do a great deal of damage to our spirit.   They can continue to hinder our ability to express our true nature and certainly undermine our confidence around creativity.  Creativity is actually an essential part of us, a vital expression of our authentic self and closely related to our relationship to passion, joy, power, sexuality and abundance!

Also, making time for creativity and doing something just for you is not only good for your health and well-being - its good for those who live with you! Research by relationship experts Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks found that just one hour of creative self-expression a week is enough to bring vital energy back into a relationship.

Over the last 18 months I have been doing a great deal of personal research into creative self-expression.  I started by learning to up-cycle furniture using Annie Sloan Chalk Paint .  Because the goal was to create a 'shabby chic' look the process was very forgiving, so mistakes were integral to the look!

I honestly feel that having permission to make mistakes let the creative genie out of the lamp.  It allowed me to overcome my fears and now I've thrown the lamp away now so the genie is free to explore.

One of the ways I get to enjoy my creative journey is through sharing.  I love learning new skills but nothing gives me more joy than to then share it with others.  Its like being infected with a really fun bug and giving it to your friends so that you can bunk off school together!  That's why I've developed the Creating Space workshops -  to create more space for play!

What can you do to let your genie out? Come and play!

Fighting for Love

Couples don't have hundreds of arguments they just have the same argument hundreds of different ways.  It can start with a silly domestic about the washing up or who put the empty milk carton back in the fridge and then suddenly, like a forest fire, get out of control, fanned by hurt and fuelled by any unresolved emotional litter lying between you.

A relationship heartbreak in the early days is like hairline fracture; it hurts but it doesn't stop you loving one another because you're powered by the passion and attraction of the 'Honeymoon' energy.  However,  when the relationship moves into the next phase of growth - the Power Struggle  - the fracture makes itself felt. A stumble or falter in the relationship suddenly sparks the pain of that earlier hurt and you find yourself hurting twice over.

By the time you get to the next phase - the Dead Zone -  the damage done by those unhealed injuries undermine the stability of the relationship and result in a catastrophic breakdown.

However, there is another way.

All relationships carry the burden of unresolved heartbreaks.  Some will be from the relationship itself, many you will have brought from your past.  Learning how to identify which is which and addressing the emotions you try to hide from yourself or your beloved is a vital practice for a healthy, strong relationship and will take you to the next level of relationship - Partnership.

You know that old joke '"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice, Practice"'?  Its the same for Partership.  Practice in relationship means commitment to communication and learning how to talk about emotions.  Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes Love, so that when something imperfect surfaces it can be met with compassion and be healed.

Relationships are the breeding ground for pain and joy.  It takes emotional courage, honesty and good communication skills to open up the subject of old hurt in a relationship and to work through all the phases of the issue.  However in doing so you each get back something of yourself you'd lost all those years ago, and create space for greater love, partnership and intimacy.

So what are you really fighting for?

Need help working this out? Relationship Training helps you make sense of what is going on and gives you the tools you need to do something about it.   Contact Kim for more details.

Would it kill you to be nice?

Yes, actually, it would!  And while we're about it, I would like to ban the word nice from the dictionary.

Call me 'nice' and you may as well describe me as 'kinda blah' and I don't belive anyone has come to be that; we've all come to be amazingly, fabulously, daringly, wholeheartedly ALIVE - just like we were as kids.

As far as I'm concerned being nice means smiling through gritted teeth whilst hiding resentment, passion, rage, creativity, fear, joy and wild abandon - all the things that are part of truly living.

Being TRUE - now you're talking.  Being honest with nyself about how I'm feeling, being honest with others about what is going on - that's where things come alive.  I don't mean beating others up with blame, judgment or criticism, I don't mean 'speaking my truth'  (a cover-all justification for dumping bad feelings on others).  I mean being open and honest and willing to be vulnerable.  I mean having the courage to speak up about what's not working and being willing to be part of the solution.

In the story The Emperor's New Clothes the little boy who declares 'the Emperor's naked!' is a Truth speaker.  He names what is going on not because he wants to shame the Emperor, but because he can see the truth

Now if the Emperor wanted to be naked, that's one thing.  Someone could have explained to the child that this was how things were going to be from now on and the Emperor was leading the way.  But no, no-one wanted any fuss, no-one wanted the Emperor to get upset, people were intimidated by the tricksters who'd shown their Emperor up as a fool and no-one was going to go there for fear of the consequences.  So everyone was NICE - and shushed the child up!

That's how it happens.  That's how we learn to be nice.  As children we are sensitive, we feel it when things don't fit together.  If we say something that exposes the truth, that upsets the people around us and they don't want to address what's going on, we get told that we're wrong, that we've misunderstood, that we're stupid.  And we believe them because they're the adults, they know stuff.

Feelings are never wrong.  They may not be processed well, they may be difficult to communicate, but I will always trust feelings over what is said.  It makes life messy at times, but it also makes it much richer, alive and full of possibility.

Relationships die in the world of nice, where no-one wants to talk about the real issues.  Eventually the hard conversations are had in the heated furnace of an argument where they do terrible damage and everyone gets hurt.

You may need to practice being true, you'll probably need to work on your delivery.  You may need a bit of guidance to understand how to communicate what you're really feeling, but the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort of learning new skills.  You'll get back all that amazing, bubbling, fizzing enthusiasm for life you had as a kid and you will light up the world, just like you promised!

Don't be nice, be true.  You're amazing when you're true.

Summer Loving

Do you long to be more creative but lack the confidence, or don't believe you have the talent?  Then I've got something for you: Creative Journalling.

Come and spend a fun morning discovering a gentle way to explore creativity and self development.  Its an easy way to give yourself permission to open up and learn to play again.  Plus you'll learn some great techniques for handling stress that could help the whole family.

If you have a soft spot for stationery shops, haberdasheries and craft supplies - this workshop will give you a whole new reason to visit those temples of creativity!

No previous artistic experience required, all you need is curiosity and enthusiasm!

Summer Loving: create the best summer ever.
Saturday June 14th, 2014  9.30 - 12.30  £35
Limited places so book early to reserve your place!

Granny Calling

There were women who were already grandmothers, some about to be first-time grannies and some younger women still busy with their own children - all of us gathered to learn Pregnancy Massage.

Us first-timers were sharing our excitment about the forthcoming grandchild and the more experienced grannies were singing the joys of being a grandparent - and we all empathised and encouraged the mothers still bringing up their children.

As we chatted  it reminded me of the traditions I'd read about of an ancient tribe where, when a pregnant woman in the community was getting close to her time, the female elders would gather and make preparations for the forthcoming baby.

Together the women would weave a basket for offerings to be placed once the baby arrived, they would prepare the space where the birth would take place and as they went about their sacred tasks they would sing,  all the time calling out to the baby to let it know they were thinking about it, that the whole community was getting ready.

They'd sing to the baby expressing their excitement about its imminent arrival, telling it not to be afraid and that they would be there to greet it.  They'd sing of the things they were doing to prepare for it's arrival - getting everything ready, making sure the mother had all she needed for the birth.  Filled with love and wisdom they would reassure the baby that they would keep singing until it arrived safely, asking it to take care on the journey.

Whether its with massage, personal coaching or training I like to feel that  my work allows me to be part of that ancient tradition.  And I also feel it is also something we can do for ourselves.

Acknowledging your vulnerability and creating a loving, supportive environment around it can make all the difference.  Imagine if you lovingly 'sang' to a vulnerable part of yourself, reassuring it that you were going to do everything you could to make sure it felt safe enough to take part in your life?

What would happen if you acknowledged the tender part of you that has yet to arrive?  And what would change if you let the older, wiser, more tolerant part of yourself prepare the ground for a vulnerable, wondrous new part of you to show up?

If you want to be ready for a new phase of life, the next Family@Heart course starts 4th June or call me on 07789 408378  - come and join the community!

Heart to Heart

Did I mention I'm going to be a granny later this year?  

Watching my daughter blossom and bloom is wonderful and the whole family is getting very excited about their new responsibilities. 

As a Relationship Coach I know the importance of the mother/child relationship and as an Aromatherapist and Bowen Technique practitioner I understand how the mother’s physical and emotional well-being also affects her baby. 

So, inspired by my grandchild-to-be, I decided to further my  professional development  by training in pregnancy massage.  complementary therapies and pregnancy.

Helping pregnant women to relax and providing an environment for them drift off for an hour or so is a wonderful privilege.  I love knowing that as they relax and give time to themselves their heart rate settles, their breathing deepens and they provide their baby with a lovely nurturing, oxygen-rich environment too.  

They have a little heart-to-heart time.

I am now looking for 3 mums-to-be willing to be case studies.  This difficult task requires you to commit to 3 FREE massage sessions and give written feed back on the experience! If you'd like to participate please contact me by email or 07789 408378

What to do when you feel you're falling apart.

When deep, unresolved feelings surface and spill over into everyday life it can feel like they’re going to suck all the air out of life and turn things very dark 

Its important to take care of yourself when you feel vulnerable so make sure you eat well, drink plenty of water, have salt baths, be kind to yourself and give yourself space to process.  If you feel really stuck there are three things you can do: 

1. Ask for help.  This not a sign of weakness - it is a sign of leadership, a sign that you are willing to take a step out of hell and closer to your true self.

 2. Call in the help.  Whether you call on God, Love, Nature or your dear, departed Granny, a belief in a power greater than yourself can be a gentle, spiritual balm to vicious self-attack.

         3. Ask ‘who needs my help?’.  Your intuitive voice will answer, listen deeply and then go help.  Your help may be in the form a prayer, it may be a letter, a visit, a cup of tea or lighting a candle.  It may be your neighbour, your child, the girls in Nigeria, sailors lost at sea or your mother you're called to help.  If you don’t feel better after answering the call for help, ask again (a new name may come to you) and keep giving until the feelings change.  Helping others has been proved to be as beneficial to the giver as the receiver.  

Getting Emotional - the 5 principles of Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are like waves, we can't stop them coming but we can learn how to surf.  

The process of feeling emotions is natural, our bodies are wired to feel and our behaviour is driven by them.  However, most of the time we operate from a superficial level of emotion expressing annoyance, anger, cheerfulness.  The deeper levels of emotion: betrayal, heartbreak, joy, compassion, usually stay very buried until triggered by big events.  

We felt these big emotions all the time as children, until life's experiences taught us to shut them down.  Even though they make up our very life force, we have cut ourselves off from experiencing deep and powerful emotions, yet they still run in our emotional body at full throttle, driving our behaviour and the decisions we make.

Feelings and emotions are a powerful and precious resource and learning to rebuild a conscious and skillful access to them enables us to engage in life wholeheartedly.

5 PRINCIPLES OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 

·      Emotions have a beginning and an end, none are too big to experience and, with courage and willingness, even very powerful emotions can be experienced and processed skillfully.  By allowing emotions to come into our awareness without resistance or denial, they can then move through our emotional body with greater ease and will ultimately take us to a state of happy relief and gratitude.

·      It is safe to feel feelings.  No-one ever died from feeling their feelings but if we refuse to open up, we die inside. Denying and defending against feeling creates stress in our bodies and, rather than allowing them to help us to make sense of our world, we let them drive our behaviour instead.  We start to act them out through tantrum, withdrawal, blame, ill-health, denial etc.  We don’t have to express feelings in order to feel them (although it helps) - they can be felt inside by consciously focusing on them. 

·      The level to which negative feelings are suppressed or denied is the level to which access to positive feelings is limited.  If we don’t allow ourselves to feel the bad stuff, we can’t enjoy the good stuff.  The mind does not discern whether a feeling is good or bad – it just gets the message that a lot of energy is running and it is time to shut down, this leads to a feeling of deadness. By opening up to feelings our life experiences become richer. 

·      Experiencing negative feelings allows them to lift, release and reveal other feelings underneath.  While negative feelings feel very real at the time, they often originate from past experiences, misunderstandings and limiting beliefs.  The purpose of opening up to them is to heal them and find the truth, ease and happiness beyond.

·      Every feeling is important.  Feelings come from experiences and beliefs and hold unrefined wisdom. There is a greater Intelligence and a Creative Force in our feeling realm that cannot be accessed through just thinking.  Healing old hurts and wounds transforms the negative energy into positive qualities that support our personal growth and emotional evolution.  

Learning to access and process vulnerable feelings takes courage, our Family@Heart course is a friendly and fun way to get the support and tools you need to unblock the flow of courage, compassion and wonder in your life.

Love Money

My mum and I run a little money laundering operation.  Its nothing too alarming although it can get a bit fraught at Marks and Spencer's from time to time.

You see she gives me money for Christmas and Birthdays and I do the same for her (as well as other daft little homemade gifts to amuse her).  It  passes between us year in, year out and I think I'm going to start marking the notes to see how long it takes for them to come back to me in a birthday card!

Theres also the problem of what arises if we go to spend it.  I'll pop over to see her and we'll stop at her favourite cafe for lunch before having a mooch around her local town.  She's not as light on her pins as she used to be but still enjoys a little shopping trip with her daughter and especially enjoys helping me with a project - a new saucepan for pancakes, some shoes for a party dress - something that gives us both a wonderful sense of togetherness.  Days later she'll ask after the pancakes and laugh at my disasters then delight in my son's pancake making prowess.  I'll regale her with stories of the shoes and the party - and both of us will remember the days when we used to dance together in the kitchen.  She taught me to jive and we would be like whirling dervishes - I can still remember the strength of her firm grip as she twirled me round. I'd laugh with joy and delight, willing her to spin me faster and keep her hold on me so I didn't fly into the wall.

Whirling dervishes

We went shopping recently and had fun pootling around Marks and Sparks looking at clothes.  She was looking for a cardigan and I was on the lookout for some summer trousers.  We were delighted when we helped each other find them and both walked to the checkout with a determined air.  I knew what was coming.  The money fight.

She wouldn't allow me to pay for her cardi because she had a gift voucher from Christmas (a present from me anyway) and I wanted to get my trousers using some left over Christmas money from her.  We had a stand off and all was calm until I went to pay for my trousers.  Suddenly this 78yr old thug pushed me out of the way and started throwing money at the cashier.

'Don't take her money, its counterfeit' I warned the cashier, but she just laughed.  "I've heard it all" she said as she folded the clothes into a bag. "This happens all the time, and sometimes even comes to blows."

I always feel like a child again when this happens.  Part of me wants to take care of my mum and pay for everything and feels foolish taking money from her - another part wants to enjoy her enjoyment of buying me things - and for us both to enjoy the feeling of our lives still being interwoven.  As I stood there feeling conflicted I realised if I were with one of my children I'd get so much pleasure being able to buy them stuff and I didn't want to deprive my own mother of that joy.  I could also envision the conversations later in the year.

"How was your holiday?"

"Those trousers were a godsend!  Thank you"

Sometimes its the simple moments that provide deep, long-lasting connection.

I suggested we split the payment and suddenly the money fight was over ... until I got home and found she had stashed some cash in my handbag!

Healthy Body, Healthy Mind

How you feel about your body has a powerful effect on your self-esteem and your relationships.  Here are some tips from Barry Carter of Body Conditioning to improve your relationship to health and well-being.

When it comes to health and fitness, it’s all about balance. We appear to know significantly more about it, but as a society, we are becoming one of the unhealthiest nation on the planet. Why? Most of us are confused about what’s the best solution to this problem. At Body Conditioning we have the answer. 
Our team follows and preaches an 80/20 principle. This principle aims to teach people to make healthy, positive decisions 80 percent of the time, whilst rewarding yourself 20 percent of time with your favorite treats, activities or pleasures. Quick fix, crash diets and silly diet plans consistently lead to short term pleasure, followed by long term failure. Is this how we really want to live? 
At Body Conditioning we try and integrate both a healthy nutritional plan combined with using the most effective exercises to ensure you lose weight, feel great and live a healthier lifestyle. Exercise does not have to be boring, time consuming or painful. With the right education, motivation and guidance YOU can achieve what most of us fail to achieve, a balanced positive lifestyle.

Below are some our top tips to help you get started:

Keep things realistic: making small achievable changes weekly will ensure you stay on track with your fitness goals. 

Preparation: If you don't prepare yourself on a day to day basis you will struggle to stay on track. Think ahead, plan your time wisely. We all have the same amount of time in a day but skillful management of that will determine your success.

Do exercise you enjoy: You don't have to spend hours in a gym looking at others getting sweaty. Find activities or programs that work for you. You will be amazed what you can achieve with just 20 minutes a day. Train smart.

Eat fresh: Eating foods that live in a packet are not the smartest choice when looking to lose weight, get fit or live a healthier lifestyle. Try and stick to fresh foods. They contain fewer calories, provide the body with all the nutrients it needs and can also taste great. 

Value your 20 percent: Life is for living, having fun and enjoying the things we do. This 20 percent doesn’t have to be based around eating indulgent calorific treats. Do something different. 

If you would like to know more, you can contact Barry at barry@bodyconditioning.info

You reap what you sow: planting sustainable relationships

Spring is here and it's time to get planting in your relationships as well as the garden!

For my first attempt at growing vegetables I planted carrots. Watching my son race around the garden with his friends and then stop, pull a carrot out of the ground, wipe it on his trousers and eat it remains a fond and abiding memory. 

It was a delight to watch him share the carrots with his mates, but we never got to eat any; they polished them off before any carrot ever got a chance to get to the table! Being new to growing veg, I had no idea how many to sow, what the long term needs of the family would be - or even how the whole system worked!

This is a problem that also surfaces in relationships. When there is little understanding of the process and purpose of relationship, the focus tends to be on making sure immediate needs are met.   If there is no commitment and dedication to planting the seeds of respect, true communication and forgiveness (which would sustain everyone) the result is a kind of emotional starvation that will eventually lead to relationship famine.   The relationship becomes incapable of feeding anyone.

Guidelines for long-term, sustainable and fruitful relationships:

• Communicate openly and honestly.  Putting up with situations in order to avoid conflict creates drought like conditions.  A willingness to discuss difficult subjects shows a commitment to the health of the relationship.  Sometimes a dying plant only needs water to revive it.  You may have to dig deep to find the water and if you fear conflict, coaching can help you with improved communication skills.
• Develop your emotional vocabulary.  Our emotions are the nutrients that allow us to blossom, grow and be productive.  Clients often ask me for a written list of feelings so they can find one to describe what is going on for them.  Being able to identify, experience and express feelings is vital not just for your long-term health but for the growth of the relationship,
• Open your heart, whatever it takes. Every plant needs sunshine to grow and an open heart allows the light to shine.  A closed heart kills the spirit, shrinks vitality and shuts down the life-force.
• Put yourself in the centre of your life. Self-development creates a fertile environment for creativity and inspiration.  It not only improves your quality of life, it feeds your relationship too.

Happy Planting!