Making Matters

It was Monday morning, the house was finally empty and there I was buzzing with creative energy, fingers itching to get started on the many projects I have on the go.

So I cleaned the oven.

Then the floor.

The kitchen is now spotless and I feel better with my house in order, but the process taught me something; until I consciously value my own creativity, it will move further and further down the To Do list until it falls off the bottom.

So from 1st April I am dedicating Wednesdays to creativity.  There will most likely be other times in my week when I’m busy making, but this is my public statement of intent, a clear commitment to myself to place creativity firmly in the centre of my life.

I’m happy spending time working away on my own, but I’ve extended the invitation to friends to come and join me in Making Wednesdays Matter.  They're welcome to come for the day and bring along their creative projects - or just pop in for a coffee,cake and a chat in a creative space.  All I ask is that they donate £2 to Women for Women International, so we can help other women help themselves.  


It was my mother-in-law who encouraged me to do it.  She has friends who have been meeting for years to sew, knit and chat.  Some even asking others for mending projects as an excuse to turn up! 

Now that I am clear about my intention, my mind is starting to prioritise which projects to finish first, what extra materials or preparation work I need before I start.  I find myself starting to look around and ear-mark things for Making Wednesdays.

A friend of mine describes this as the difference between the Intention and the Out-tension.  The Intention is always constant  the Out-tension is the focus and action it takes to stay true to the Intention.

My Intention is to value creativity in myself and others and there is a certain kind of tension needed to manifest this in my life, so the Out-tension is making Wednesdays a creative day, getting my projects organised, inviting others to join me.  

I always imagine the Out-tension like walking a tight rope - at first you need intense focus and concentration but after a while, even though you never lose focus on what you're doing, your confidence grows and your body relaxes into it more.

The deeper I move into my own creative self-expression the more I recognise what a vital foundation stone it is for relationship success.  (See my blog on the 5 Daily Habits for Relationship Success).

Finding an outlet for your own creative self-expression allows you to heal the relationship to a vulnerable part of yourself who, as a child, was possibly shamed or ridiculed for his/her creative effort.  And that vulnerable place is also a doorway to connection with others.   

My creative journey has inspired my husband to start his own, he now makes award-winning Sourdough Bread and is also rediscovering his love of painting.   

Giving yourself permission to enjoy whatever creative project you do without comparison to others or harsh self-criticism is infectious (see my blog on getting the family hooked) - it awakens the playful, creative side in others and then we all get to play together again!

The Burnout Recovery Programme

If you've ever looked around at your life and asked yourself 'is this it?' -  or you feel like you've spent years climbing a challenging mountain only to get to the top and discover it's the wrong mountain, then it's pretty likely you've hit Burnout.

Burnout starts out innocently enough as a coping strategy to handle stress and challenges by pulling back, shutting down, numbing out: a little drink at the end of the day, a few hours on facebook to chill out, escaping worries with a visit to the shops...until one day you wake up to realise that despite the people and achievements in your life, you are not happy.  You feel weary, weighed down and exhausted.  Burnt out.

It can creep up on you so quietly you don't even realise it.  It isn't exclusive to age or gender, income or background.  You can live with it for years believing it's normal to feel so flat -  and at the same time judging yourself for being a miserable, ungrateful wretch.

It takes huge reserves of energy to keep going when you're in Burnout.   First it takes effort to keep all those negative feelings and thoughts at bay, then you have to work even harder to find a way to enjoy life.

You're not living you're dying of exhuastion!

Burnout saps your energy, eats away at your confidence, damages your well-being and makes you question your relationships.  If left unattended it can plunge you into crisis - where you make rash decisions about your life, your relationships, your job and end up throwing away everything you've worked hard for in the mistaken belief that a new life/job/relationship will make things better.

How to recognise Burnout:

1. Emotional exhaustion and physical depletion: 

• Writing endless to-do lists and only ever crossing off the jobs you've already done.
• Spend hours browsing the internet, chatting on facebook etc and then go to bed feeling empty and dull.
• You know what you need to do but lack the motivation, energy, enthusiasm or willingness to change.
• Comfort yourself with shopping/eating/wine to take the edge of the dull pain of deep boredom that is your life.
• Find yourself thinking (almost hoping) that perhaps your lack of enthusiasm for life is due to a serious hidden illness.
• Starting new projects with great verve only to lose interest - all the time beating yourself up for not seeing things through.
• You're run ragged, feeling stressed like you're trying to keep all the plates spinning. 
• 'Living dangerously' makes you feel you're alive - regardless of who you hurt.

2.  Loss of Empathy

• Whilst you might call it trying to maintain standards others accuse you of being a perfectionist.
• Find it hard to be around people, easily irritated and intolerant of other's behaviour.
• Feel driven and competitive - at the expense of relationships.
• Keep yourself distant from others and withdraw from social activity.
• Even though you may want to help, you feel empty, like you've nothing more to give.

3.  Loss of Confidence and Competence.

• You keep having accidents - dropping things, forgetting appointments, losing important objects.
• You find yourself withdrawing from the people who matter the most to you.
• You've lost the confidence to speak up and communicate how you feel.
• There is an inner voice constantly criticising yourself and/or others.
• No matter how hard you work/how much you help others - you don't believe you're any good.

The lack of self-worth and self-compassion that accompanies Burnout can mess with your head, convincing you that since you've made a mess of things, you deserve to suffer.  

Read on for the 
Burnout Recovery Programme!

1. Rest
The first stage of recovery from Burnout is recognising the symptoms and giving yourself permission to rest.  Research has shown that if we don't allow ourselves to rest from the pressures of everyday life, our bodies can't process stress effectively and we put ourselves at risk from heart disease or other illnesses.

2. Play.
'The opposite of play is not work, the opposite of play is depression'.  Burnout addicts think play is
childish, but play really means giving yourself permission to do things for the sheer enjoyment of it.  Walking, gardening, cooking, tinkering in the shed, painting, knitting, dancing the tango: it doesn't matter what it is so long as it feeds the tender, vulnerable creative part of you.

3. Nurture
Old habits die hard so its important to learn to create a new way of relating to the world that makes space for your well-being, happiness and creativity.  Give yourself permission to slow down, kick back and re-boot your joie-de-vivre.

As the saying goes: Seek what gives makes your heart sing like a man with his head on fire seeks water!

PS. Reading this back I've realised I've been experiencing the symptoms myself!   I've decided its time to take my own advice and so I'm off on sabbatical to rest and play and nurture - just like I suggested. 

It already feels great to have given myself permission to change direction. 

I'll keep you posted! 

Creating Space

Paints, pens, stamps and stickers and stuff!

We had a blast at the Summer Loving workshop last Saturday.  A group of us gathered around a treasure chest of lovely stationery supplies to rediscover the art of play.

Creativity to me meant being good at drawing and painting but art lessons at school had felt like a form of torture. I really tried to make the marks on my paper resemble the bowl of fruit in front of me but it always felt utterly hopeless, especially when I saw how amazing the drawings by the people around me were.

The 'art scars' we pick up in childhood run very deep and do a great deal of damage to our spirit.   They can continue to hinder our ability to express our true nature and certainly undermine our confidence around creativity.  Creativity is actually an essential part of us, a vital expression of our authentic self and closely related to our relationship to passion, joy, power, sexuality and abundance!

Also, making time for creativity and doing something just for you is not only good for your health and well-being - its good for those who live with you! Research by relationship experts Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks found that just one hour of creative self-expression a week is enough to bring vital energy back into a relationship.

Over the last 18 months I have been doing a great deal of personal research into creative self-expression.  I started by learning to up-cycle furniture using Annie Sloan Chalk Paint .  Because the goal was to create a 'shabby chic' look the process was very forgiving, so mistakes were integral to the look!

I honestly feel that having permission to make mistakes let the creative genie out of the lamp.  It allowed me to overcome my fears and now I've thrown the lamp away now so the genie is free to explore.

One of the ways I get to enjoy my creative journey is through sharing.  I love learning new skills but nothing gives me more joy than to then share it with others.  Its like being infected with a really fun bug and giving it to your friends so that you can bunk off school together!  That's why I've developed the Creating Space workshops -  to create more space for play!

What can you do to let your genie out? Come and play!

Would it kill you to be nice?

Yes, actually, it would!  And while we're about it, I would like to ban the word nice from the dictionary.

Call me 'nice' and you may as well describe me as 'kinda blah' and I don't belive anyone has come to be that; we've all come to be amazingly, fabulously, daringly, wholeheartedly ALIVE - just like we were as kids.

As far as I'm concerned being nice means smiling through gritted teeth whilst hiding resentment, passion, rage, creativity, fear, joy and wild abandon - all the things that are part of truly living.

Being TRUE - now you're talking.  Being honest with nyself about how I'm feeling, being honest with others about what is going on - that's where things come alive.  I don't mean beating others up with blame, judgment or criticism, I don't mean 'speaking my truth'  (a cover-all justification for dumping bad feelings on others).  I mean being open and honest and willing to be vulnerable.  I mean having the courage to speak up about what's not working and being willing to be part of the solution.

In the story The Emperor's New Clothes the little boy who declares 'the Emperor's naked!' is a Truth speaker.  He names what is going on not because he wants to shame the Emperor, but because he can see the truth

Now if the Emperor wanted to be naked, that's one thing.  Someone could have explained to the child that this was how things were going to be from now on and the Emperor was leading the way.  But no, no-one wanted any fuss, no-one wanted the Emperor to get upset, people were intimidated by the tricksters who'd shown their Emperor up as a fool and no-one was going to go there for fear of the consequences.  So everyone was NICE - and shushed the child up!

That's how it happens.  That's how we learn to be nice.  As children we are sensitive, we feel it when things don't fit together.  If we say something that exposes the truth, that upsets the people around us and they don't want to address what's going on, we get told that we're wrong, that we've misunderstood, that we're stupid.  And we believe them because they're the adults, they know stuff.

Feelings are never wrong.  They may not be processed well, they may be difficult to communicate, but I will always trust feelings over what is said.  It makes life messy at times, but it also makes it much richer, alive and full of possibility.

Relationships die in the world of nice, where no-one wants to talk about the real issues.  Eventually the hard conversations are had in the heated furnace of an argument where they do terrible damage and everyone gets hurt.

You may need to practice being true, you'll probably need to work on your delivery.  You may need a bit of guidance to understand how to communicate what you're really feeling, but the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort of learning new skills.  You'll get back all that amazing, bubbling, fizzing enthusiasm for life you had as a kid and you will light up the world, just like you promised!

Don't be nice, be true.  You're amazing when you're true.

Granny Calling

There were women who were already grandmothers, some about to be first-time grannies and some younger women still busy with their own children - all of us gathered to learn Pregnancy Massage.

Us first-timers were sharing our excitment about the forthcoming grandchild and the more experienced grannies were singing the joys of being a grandparent - and we all empathised and encouraged the mothers still bringing up their children.

As we chatted  it reminded me of the traditions I'd read about of an ancient tribe where, when a pregnant woman in the community was getting close to her time, the female elders would gather and make preparations for the forthcoming baby.

Together the women would weave a basket for offerings to be placed once the baby arrived, they would prepare the space where the birth would take place and as they went about their sacred tasks they would sing,  all the time calling out to the baby to let it know they were thinking about it, that the whole community was getting ready.

They'd sing to the baby expressing their excitement about its imminent arrival, telling it not to be afraid and that they would be there to greet it.  They'd sing of the things they were doing to prepare for it's arrival - getting everything ready, making sure the mother had all she needed for the birth.  Filled with love and wisdom they would reassure the baby that they would keep singing until it arrived safely, asking it to take care on the journey.

Whether its with massage, personal coaching or training I like to feel that  my work allows me to be part of that ancient tradition.  And I also feel it is also something we can do for ourselves.

Acknowledging your vulnerability and creating a loving, supportive environment around it can make all the difference.  Imagine if you lovingly 'sang' to a vulnerable part of yourself, reassuring it that you were going to do everything you could to make sure it felt safe enough to take part in your life?

What would happen if you acknowledged the tender part of you that has yet to arrive?  And what would change if you let the older, wiser, more tolerant part of yourself prepare the ground for a vulnerable, wondrous new part of you to show up?

If you want to be ready for a new phase of life, the next Family@Heart course starts 4th June or call me on 07789 408378  - come and join the community!

Healthy Body, Healthy Mind

How you feel about your body has a powerful effect on your self-esteem and your relationships.  Here are some tips from Barry Carter of Body Conditioning to improve your relationship to health and well-being.

When it comes to health and fitness, it’s all about balance. We appear to know significantly more about it, but as a society, we are becoming one of the unhealthiest nation on the planet. Why? Most of us are confused about what’s the best solution to this problem. At Body Conditioning we have the answer. 
Our team follows and preaches an 80/20 principle. This principle aims to teach people to make healthy, positive decisions 80 percent of the time, whilst rewarding yourself 20 percent of time with your favorite treats, activities or pleasures. Quick fix, crash diets and silly diet plans consistently lead to short term pleasure, followed by long term failure. Is this how we really want to live? 
At Body Conditioning we try and integrate both a healthy nutritional plan combined with using the most effective exercises to ensure you lose weight, feel great and live a healthier lifestyle. Exercise does not have to be boring, time consuming or painful. With the right education, motivation and guidance YOU can achieve what most of us fail to achieve, a balanced positive lifestyle.

Below are some our top tips to help you get started:

Keep things realistic: making small achievable changes weekly will ensure you stay on track with your fitness goals. 

Preparation: If you don't prepare yourself on a day to day basis you will struggle to stay on track. Think ahead, plan your time wisely. We all have the same amount of time in a day but skillful management of that will determine your success.

Do exercise you enjoy: You don't have to spend hours in a gym looking at others getting sweaty. Find activities or programs that work for you. You will be amazed what you can achieve with just 20 minutes a day. Train smart.

Eat fresh: Eating foods that live in a packet are not the smartest choice when looking to lose weight, get fit or live a healthier lifestyle. Try and stick to fresh foods. They contain fewer calories, provide the body with all the nutrients it needs and can also taste great. 

Value your 20 percent: Life is for living, having fun and enjoying the things we do. This 20 percent doesn’t have to be based around eating indulgent calorific treats. Do something different. 

If you would like to know more, you can contact Barry at barry@bodyconditioning.info

Don't Get Even - Get Happy

After 23 years of marriage, Samantha’s husband asked for a divorce.   Even though she had known they hadn't been happy for years, she was in a great deal of emotional pain and felt like she wanted to punish everyone around her.   She had even caught herself thinking about death and imagining herself dying of breast cancer as revenge.  

These thoughts scared her but as we explored them together she began to recognise that wanting to be ill was one way of trying to show others how hurt she was. She felt isolated and yet her pain and inner conflict made it hard for people to be around her. Their distance increased her feelings of pain and separation.  She felt her life was contracting.

Working together we did an emotional audit on her life and Samantha realized that the feelings of loss and rejection were much older than from just her divorce, she had often felt excluded and forgotten throughout her childhood and her deepest belief was that she was a failure. 

By working through the pain of the past and focusing on positive personal goals Samantha felt able to decide that rather than death being her best revenge, feeling successful, more wholehearted and learning to communicate her feelings more effectively would be a better outcome.

Samantha began her own healing journey and, as her confidence and self-worth grew, enrolled on a hairdressing course and now runs a successful salon. Whilst there is still some  emotional ‘scar tissue’ around her divorce, her relationship with her ex-husband is kinder, her children are less anxious around her and she recognizes that her life and relationships are improving as a result of choosing a goal that has helped her own personal growth and development.

Whether you are struggling to make sense of events - or are keen to make the most of your own change of heart - Relationship Training offers innovative and practical life skills coaching and courses to empower you to live your best life.

It's not Rock Science!

 The problem with feeling stuck is that the more you resist it, the more stuck you feel.  And if feeling stuck isn't bad enough,  the constant nagging inner voice becomes increasingly critical, judgmental, negative and loud.  Just when you need help and support to make clear choices, your inner world becomes a highly stressed noisy environment where corrosive words eat away at your confidence and undermine your ability to move forward.  Without awareness of what is going on, you can be stuck in this pattern for years.

When my daughter would get stuck in her Italian lessons her teacher would say, in a gentle Italian accent,  'Don't worry, it's not Rock Science'.  It always made my daughter smile and the immediate change of mood helped her to see things more clearly.

Even though it can seem a little slow at times, Nature is always busy making plans for the next season, regardless.  Like Nature, we need to understand that there is always a next phase, and feeling stuck in your life or relationship is a sign that you're fighting the process of change.  We just need to learn how to recognize when we need to change and to not be afraid of it - and make sure we've got the resources to handle it.

It's a valuable life skill to understand the process of change and be able to read the signs and signals in both our inner and outer worlds; we become more resilient and emotionally centred and are able to make wiser, more considered choices.

It's not Rock Science: you are both the problem and the solution!

4 steps to a change of mind.

Create a morning practice.  Whether it is a walk in nature, writing a journal, meditation or gentle breathing exercises, check in with yourself and set your intention for the day. You need a quiet space within to hear the wisdom of your inner voice.

Identify what you need to learn.  What skill do you feel is missing, what do you think you need?  Perhaps you want to communicate better, to learn to forgive or to assert yourself.  Maybe there's a skill you want to learn or a course you need to take - get clear about what it is you really need to help you move forward.

Take Action.   Make it easy, take baby steps, but do it.  Develop your skill and work on it.  Daily.

Commit to growth and transformation.  You are going to change anyway, why not engage in the process actively and with enthusiasm! You'll be amazed what you'll discover when you include yourself in the dance of life!

Try these four steps to develop the skills for being the leader of your life, rather than have life lead you.

Love Yourself First - 7 easy ways

Be Kind Be Alkaline
Research has shown that disease and inflammation grow in an acidic environment; the skin products we use, the food we eat, our emotions, thoughts, habits and relationships all directly effect our body-chemistry. Think how corrosive criticism is to self-worth and confidence, how bitterness and ill-feeling can sour a relationship.

Stress is acid forming, therefore the more we work on maintaining an alkaline state (by working on our ourselves and our relationships, taking exercise, eating a more plant-based diet - you know the mantra), the more resilient we become, able to maintain a healthy state of mind and well-being and to cope better when challenges show up.

Oh, and love and relationships thrive in alkaline conditions; thoughts become clearer, your emotions move through you with less resistance and with that your ability to communicate and relate becomes more effective.  It is a wonderful cycle of creativity and regeneration; the better you feel physically, the better you feel about yourself emotionally and vice versa.  As you grow in confidence you communicate more openly.  This makes relationships more heartfelt, increasing the feelings of connection - which makes us all feel better about ourselves.

Trying to change everything all at once often adds more stress. Try to add or change one thing, it can make a big difference.  So here are some easy suggestions to help you on your path to a healthy, nurturing self-care programme.

1. Chocolate Meditation
Sometimes just thinking about meditation can create stress, not to mention the idea of giving up chocolate!  This meditation provides a delicious distraction and focuses the mind beautifully and, to make it the best quality chocolate you can, read about the perfect solution: raw chocolate on an earlier blog.
Brilliant free chocolate meditation from Dr Danny Penman.

2.  Keep a Journal
It doesn't matter what you write, what matters is that you get it out and on paper.  Give yourself 20 minutes each day, put on some relaxing music and allow yourself to write about how you are feeling, what you're noticing about yourself, your hopes, dreams, heartaches.  Writing has a powerful effect on the mind, gently allowing deep levels of thoughts and emotions to find an outlet.

3.  Drink a Green Smoothie
In a blender add 2 handfuls of spinach, a pear, 2 sticks of celery, a glass of apple juice and 2 glasses of water.  Whizz it up until everything is blended, don't worry if there are a few lumps. This is an powerful, delicious alkaline booster.  Drink a glass straight away and keep the extra in the fridge (I use clean, empty jam jars) so there's something quick, nutritious and thirst quenching to drink when time is short and energy levels are low.

4. Walk in Nature.
You know it makes sense!  Walking is like a meditation and helps to settle the mind, if you can be in nature, even better, as the sights and sounds soothe and comfort an agitated mind.

5. Light a Beeswax Candle.
Beeswax candles create negative ions that remove dust, dirt, odour and other pollutants from the air we breath.  They create a warm glow, give off a gentle honeyed aroma as well as doing that little bit of housework!

6. Take a 10 minute Soak
Take as long as you like, whatever feels good. Try adding a couple of handfuls of Epsom Salts (from chemists and healthfood shops).  The salts draw tension from the body, helping you relax, slow down and sleep better.  It doesn't have to be a bath, even soaking your feel in a bowl of warm water is very relaxing.  If no Epsom salts, sea salt will do. Wrap up warm after.

7. Pay it Forward
Sometimes, when you feel really low about yourself, helping others provides a powerful antidote to self-attack. Paying forward basicially means doing random acts of kindness for no other reason than because you can.   Research has found that doing something for others releases as much feel-good chemical in the giver as the receiver.

Any of these will help you reduce stress, increase well-being and change how you relate to yourself and your world.  Just imagine how you'd feel doing all 7 on a daily basis!

We have plenty more fun and creative techniques in our Relationship Training toolkit to help you build self-esteem and improve relationships.  Contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378

The gift of a lifetime.

Here's a Christmas gift for you.  Open it carefully, use it well and it will last forever.

Its what you've always wanted: the confidence to be yourself and to live a life full of love, creativity and connection.

The fastest route to finding yourself is to work on the hidden parts - the flaws you don't want the world to see. We use a lot of energy hiding this stuff from the world, energy that could be converted into something far more productive.

Anyone who pushes your buttons is actually offering you a great gift, you just need to know how to unwrap it.  You may rant about their behaviour but the deeper reason you judge or feel shame about them is because they're showing you a part of yourself you have hidden from the world.

Read the label.
Ask yourself what is the thing that annoys you most about them?  Perhaps you find them patronising or arrogant, maybe disorganised, needy or cold-hearted? Whatever it is that triggers you, narrow it down to one characteristic.

Guess what's inside.
Now focus on that characteristic and spend some time acting out your version of it.  Get to know it, walk around, make the tea, answer the phone in character - get a feel for the mannerisms and behaviour.

Undo the knot.
The reason we can't stand someone's behaviour is because they are a Shadow for us and they trigger deeply held feelings of self-hatred.  This emotion is corrosive and eats away at your courage, your confidence and your creativity. It stops your growth, blocks you from reaching your potential and also prevents you from handling the relationship effectively.

Being curious about your own personal process will unblock the energy and give you a way through. Ask this part of yourself: 'How were you once useful?'  'What job did you do for me in the past?'  'What was your original purpose?'

Take the wrapping off.
The characteristics we try to hide were created in the past.  We used them to help us survive a difficult time, when we felt vulnerable and unsupported. These shadows store unrefined, creative energy that can be put to better use, giving your life new meaning.

By doing this exercise these shadow parts can be turned into the fuel you need to drive your life in its true direction: What does this part of you need now?  How could you best use the quality and energy of this characteristic in your life? What new job could it do for you? What would this part of you rather do now?

For example, the Critic is often trying to protect us from shame and humiliation, its attention to detail and ability to spot flaws are skills that could be used in a more productive way. The Control Freak hates chaos and loves systems and processes, the Dreamer's perspective allows you to think outside the box.

Open up your presence.
A good way to dialogue with this part of yourself is to write to it then allow it to reply using your non-dominant hand. Give yourself some time and space to do this research; light a candle, use coloured pens, play gentle music  Enjoy it, its a lovely way to open up your creativity.

Share your gift.

Everyone's Present!

It takes a bit of practise to use this skill, but learning to re-assign the energy our Shadow figures is a powerful gift.  It unleashes creative flow and builds self-confidence.  It takes the charge out of difficult relationships and you can use it to see even the most stressful encounter as an opportunity to harvest and harness your energy differently.

By the way - the good stuff you see in others,  guess what?  You can only see it because it is also true of you.  Can you receive that gift too?

Don't keep yourself in the dark with your judgments this Christmas, use this exercise to illuminate your world and see that everyone around you is offering you the most amazing gift ever: You, on a really good day.

Have a bountiful Christmas.

Can't get past some big judgments?  Perhaps you need a bit of support to work through this process? Contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378 -  don't stay in the dark, there is always a way through, we want you to SHINE! 

Don't worry, be happy! Training your brain into a happier outlook.

Trying to get back to your 'pre-baby' weight is a challenge when the 'baby' is now getting married!

When my eldest daughter got engaged last year, I was convinced that the upcoming wedding gave me the perfect motivation to finally get back in shape.  I started exercising, even took up running, gave up wine (?!) and .... nothing happened.  Not a pound shed, not an inch lost.
  
It was very tempting to fall back to old habits and beat myself up but I decided to have a change of mind. Whenever I catch myself being self-critical and judgmental and start thinking negative thoughts, I practise gratitude.  I am grateful that my body is strong, healthy and actually capable of running.  I am grateful that my lovely daughter has met a lovely man and they are happy together.  I am grateful that I get to be at the wedding.  As I consciously work with my thoughts, my focus is no longer on beating myself up but on love, commitment and sharing.

Brains are hardwired to perform at their best when they are in a positive state - we become more engaged, creative, motivated, energetic, resilient and productive.  Research in the fields of neuroscience and positive psychology has confirmed what spiritual teachers have known for centuries: daily discipline in developing self-awareness will change the state of consciousness.  In other words, getting to know your thoughts has a profound affect on how you experience life.

It takes 21 days to change our brain state from positive to negative.  Shaun Achor, CEO of Good Think Inc., has identified 5 practices which, when done each day, will faciliate the shift and give you what he calls 'The Happiness Advantage', a state of mind from which success can be achieved with ease.

1. 3 Gratitudes: finding three things to be grateful for in each day teaches you to see the positive rather than remain caught in negative thinking.
2. Keep a journal: writing about one of those positive experiences each day allows your brain to relive it and recreate the emotions you experienced.
3. Exercise: regular physical activity teaches the brain that behaviour matters.
4. Meditation:  stilling the mind increases the powers of observation, helping us notice and appreciate things even more.  It also settles thoughts and strengthens the ability to focus.
5. Random Acts of Kindness: helping others makes us feel connected and part of something bigger than ourselves.

Practising these 5 tasks every day floods the brain with dopamine, the brain chemical that makes you happy.  Dopamine turns on the learning centres in the brain, helping the brain adapt to the world in a different way.  

These daily practices reverse self-defeating patterns in the brain and build habits that create lasting, positive change.  

Try them, let me know what happens, I'd love to know how you get on.

Anxious about an upcoming event?  Need support getting into a better frame of mind? 
Contact Kim on 07789 408378 or email kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk

The Wisdom of Campervan Woman

Taking care of the family is an important and rewarding job, but how far do you push yourself before you give yourself permission to take a break?  

Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away. - Barbara De Angelis

I was a brilliant mother when my children were young.  I was patient, kind, creative and always gentle - then they'd come home from school!  My fantasy mothering was brilliant, the reality version ... a little lacking. I love my kids, but there were days when I would long (and yes, I confess, sometimes threaten) to get a Campervan and run away to be on my own in peace and quiet. 

It took me a while to understand that Campervan Woman's arrival was a sign to take care of myself better, but she needed to show up much sooner if she was going to help me handle the stress of family life more effectively.  


First I had to navigate the barbs of the inner voice who sneered 'putting your needs first is self-centred, indulgent and, therefore, bad mothering' and work through my beliefs about what constituted a good or a bad mother.   


It was a relief to understand that the best way to help my children was to learn to take better care of myself.  Recognising my needs and taking responsibility for them was something that was not only good for them because I became calmer, more centred and happier, it also taught them a valuable life lesson; taking care of and valuing your inner life is important for the quality your outer life.

Getting to know my inner Campervan Woman was wonderful - she liked space to herself and time in nature.  She was calm, centred and very clear about her abilities, limitations, strengths and boundaries and got me learning all kinds of new and interesting stuff.  The most interesting part of all of that was that the more I gave to myself, the more I was able to share with my family.

These days I have a yearning for a Shepherd's Hut.  Obviously Campervan Woman has mellowed a great deal and is a little less hungry for the open road. 


I respect the creative, sensitive part of myself and understand the need for, and value of, solitude and calm. It is not only okay to take time for and care of myself, it is vital for my well-being and that of my family.

How Self Centred are you?

When there is harmony and balance in a relationship, opposite characteristics help to build a great partnership but in stressful situations, those same differences can drive people apart.


Blame and criticism  create further distance and push the relationship to extreme polarities, usually resulting in frequent arguments or - if there is a fear of conflict - deadness.   When this happens our tendency is to try to get the other person to change, but being Self-Centred means having a better understanding of yourself, learning to recogninse when you are in reaction, knowing how to centre yourself and respond effectively to any challenges you meet along the way.    

   

We have an inner and outer reality.  If you give yourself no time for inner reflection or place little value on your inner world, you will find yourself easily influenced by outside events and will easily be knocked off-centre.  This can show up as a loss of confidence, withdrawal, low feelings, difficult relationships, poor self-image, loss of motivation, feelings of failure - to name just a few!

Being Self-Centred is a powerful remedy for relationship problems.  With a strong inner centre you regain self-awareness, greater confidence and self-worth.  With a shift in emphasis from your outer world to your inner reality, rather than always being in reaction to external triggers, you find resources such as improved assertiveness, resilience, compassion and greater understanding.  It enables you to communicate with greater confidence and address challenging circumstances and behaviours, it also helps maintain and strengthen your self-worth.

To fulfill your potential you need a healthy balance of opposites both within and without.  Becoming Self-Centred allows you to be open and able to respond rather than react to your world.  You become calmer, more peaceful. You learn when to say no and when to say yes and are able to communicate both effectively.  You become the leader of your life, rather than at the mercy of circumstances.   

And by taking your place in the centre of your own life, you help those you love to do the same in theirs.

Women for Women

Helping women survivors of war rebuild their lives.

Click here for a moving and inspirational video

Research has shown that strengthening and supporting women is the most effective path towards creating lasting change and stability within society. The first level of society starts with the family.  Women for Women offer sponsorship programmes to help women gain the support they need to help themselves and also then help their families.

Unlike the women featured in the video link, many of us are fortunate to not be living in a war-torn country, but many women feel as overwhelmed and war-torn by the challenges they face within their families. After all, what mother doesn’t want the best for her family and doesn’t feel pain when her family is hurting?  By becoming the leader of your life, you lead the way for your family.

Love Lines #13: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Just Do It
Hopefully the soul searching over the last 13 days has helped you see that to allow love in your life is to heal the relationship with yourself.  Easy to say, not so easy to put into practise, but a little inner reflection every day will get you on track.  


'The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step' Lao Tsu.

Day 13:
For each important person in your life write a list of the things you admire about them, put it in an envelope and post it.  Don't forget to send one to yourself!    Happy Valentine's Day.

Love Lines #11: love is the answer, whatever the question.

What holds you back?
That's the title of this month's Workshop for Life and one of the things we will be looking at is self-doubt. We will explore the thoughts and beliefs hidden underneath doubt and learn how to reframe the original experiences that set them in motion.


Whether you have someone to share Valentine's Day with or not, loving yourself and living wholeheartedly automatically improves your relationship to life.    What holds you back?




Day 11:
It can much easier to see other people's patterns and behaviour than our own.  Why not ask a few people what they see as the thing that holds you back?  Even if the feedback is difficult to take, look on it as a key to freedom, thank them and be willing to see yourself through their eyes.  If you ask a few people and get different answers each time, great - at least you'll know how you come across, and will have plenty to work on!  When you address your hidden doubts face on, they lose their power over you.

Love Lines #8: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Spread the Love
So far we have focussed on strengthening your relationship to your Self (still time to catch up - read the blogs below).  Because you are the common denominator in your life, as you learn to love yourself you bring a better quality of love to all your relationships.   And now that you are building a healthy relationship to yourself, it is time to spread the love outwards.  


Day 8:
Focus your attention on a positive memory, perhaps a happy time when you felt calm, centred, loving.  Exaggerate these feelings and get familiar with the physical and emotional experience of them.  Feel how your heart warms and expands, how your breathing changes, perhaps you find yourself smiling?


Once you are totally immersed in the positive feelings, imagine yourself bringing them to an area of your life where you are struggling.   See yourself feeling supported, centred, loving, strengthened by the positive feelings that exist in you and drawing on them to change areas of your life where you feel more vulnerable.  Whatever we pay attention to grows stronger.   Spread the love, heal the fear.

Love Lines #4: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Daily insights as a warm up to Valentine's Day

Putting Yourself First

The different words and phrases we use to convey a similar message can be very revealing.   My husband and I are both coaches and often work together helping partnerships address their relationships challenges.  When we're working with patterns of withdrawal I might say something like ‘you are the only person who can put you into the centre of your life’ whereas my husband might comment ‘you have to deal yourself into the game’ – it must be from all those nights he played poker!!! 

The language also reflects a different mindset.  Women tend to take care of others at the expense of their own needs and men tend to exclude themselves and go it alone.  Whilst the behaviour is different the underlying issue is the same – a feeling of unworthiness.  Whatever the language, to truly connect in any relationship, you have to show up in your own life first.

Day 4:
Do something that makes you feel good to be you.  It doesn’t have to be a huge event.  It could be something as simple as making yourself your favourite meal, joining a group of some kind, starting a course, helping a child solve a problem, singing on the top of your voice.  Living your life doesn’t mean a dramatic make-over, in fact it is often the small things we do that change the course of our lives forever.  Whatever you choose to do – do it wholeheartedly, because it matters to YOU.  If you want your children to feel good about themselves, lead your life
                                                     wholeheartedly and show them how its done!

Get ready for the New Year

2012

 The Year of Living Wholeheartedly

Saturday, January 14^th, 2012

10am – 5.30pm

Living wholeheartedly means living with passion, enthusiasm and courage.  How do you want to live this year?  This workshop will help you find the confidence and skills to make your dreams come true.

Let 2012 be the best year of your life.

To book your place, contact

Kim Millar

 07789 408378 or kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk

 £50 early booking      £60 on the door