Spring is here and it's time to get planting in your relationships as well as the garden!
For my first attempt at growing vegetables I planted carrots. Watching my son race around the garden with his friends and then stop, pull a carrot out of the ground, wipe it on his trousers and eat it remains a fond and abiding memory.
It was a delight to watch him share the carrots with his mates, but we never got to eat any; they polished them off before any carrot ever got a chance to get to the table! Being new to growing veg, I had no idea how many to sow, what the long term needs of the family would be - or even how the whole system worked!
This is a problem that also surfaces in relationships. When there is little understanding of the process and purpose of relationship, the focus tends to be on making sure immediate needs are met. If there is no commitment and dedication to planting the seeds of respect, true communication and forgiveness (which would sustain everyone) the result is a kind of emotional starvation that will eventually lead to relationship famine. The relationship becomes incapable of feeding anyone.
Guidelines for long-term, sustainable and fruitful relationships:
- Communicate openly and honestly. Putting up with situations in order to avoid conflict creates drought like conditions. A willingness to discuss difficult subjects shows a commitment to the health of the relationship. Sometimes a dying plant only needs water to revive it. You may have to dig deep to find the water and if you fear conflict, coaching can help you with improved communication skills.
- Develop your emotional vocabulary. Our emotions are the nutrients that allow us to blossom, grow and be productive. Clients often ask me for a written list of feelings so they can find one to describe what is going on for them. Being able to identify, experience and express feelings is vital not just for your long-term health but for the growth of the relationship,
- Open your heart, whatever it takes. Every plant needs sunshine to grow and an open heart allows the light to shine. A closed heart kills the spirit, shrinks vitality and shuts down the life-force.
- Put yourself in the centre of your life. Self-development creates a fertile environment for creativity and inspiration. It not only improves your quality of life, it feeds your relationship too.
Do you have a favourite childhood story? What is your favourite film? Is there a poem, a song or a piece of music that touches you every time?
I love films, they can help express matters of the heart. We sometimes struggle to express our feelings because there is a point in our emotions when words become inadequate and we arrive at 'the inarticulate speech of the heart' - as Van Morrison so poetically named it. Often when clients are struggling to express how they feel they will refer to a scene in a film, or a story or the lines in a song to help them pinpoint the emotion.
Film, music, art, literature - all help us to connect with our deeper self. When my son was about 7 he told me 'music tells me secrets'. At that tender age he intuitively understood the creative language of the soul. We all know this place within us, but many of us have shut ourselves down and cut ourselves off from our greatest resource: emotion.
Our ability to access our feelings and be comfortable with what we find there - both good feelings and difficult ones - contributes hugely to the quality of our relationships.
Learning how to articulate our deeper, tender feelings without feeling foolish and withdrawing, blaming or shutting down when vulnerability is triggered is a life-long practice. The more emotionally resilient we become, the more we are able to experience all feelings - good and bad, the better we're able to connect with others.
What is your favourite film? Do you have a favourite childhood story? Is there a poem, a song or a piece of music that touches you every time? What subtle emotions and messages is your hidden Self trying to communicate to you through them? What lost part of you is speaking? What secrets of the soul are waiting to be discovered?
Relationship Training can help you understand what prevents you from connecting in your relationship. We create a safe environment to talk about misunderstandings and help you develop tools and skills to build bridges, regain intimacy, love and friendship.
This is such a great time of year to introduce new habits and there's great power in creating ones that help you to change the way you see life.
A simple daily practice can transform the way your day unfolds and have a powerful affect on your relationships, your work and your life.
Just take a minute of your morning to decide how you want to experience the day ahead. Or spend a minute of your evening reviewing your day and giving thanks for the lessons or experiences you received.
You will be training your mind to experience life with a new perspective. As you change your mind, you will change your world.
I had a matron at school who gave you peppermint cordial when you went to her complaining of stomach pains. There I was hoping for a lie down, a hot water bottle and an escape from double maths, avoiding the wrath of the Gorgon teacher for not handing in my homework, when all I got was a luke-warm, sickly concoction and short shrift.
I used to think of the school matron as my worst enemy, but now I realise that she acted as a good friend. Matron believed in me - she just didn't buy my version of the story.
Native American Indians believe that life is a spiral. You start in the centre and continue outwards then at some point you turn around and begin to retrace your path back to your centre - picking up the lost pieces of yourself along the way.
When we feel guilt and shame it eats away at our self-worth, generating a fear of exposure which drives us further from our centre. Our fears grow and our thinking becomes critical, re-inforcing a loss of confidence and preventing us from doing anything other than withdrawing further. We lose sight of who we are, investing in our feelings of failure and guilt. We lose the thing that is most important - a sense of connection - and wander through life feeling lost and alone.
Like matron, I don't believe the version of the story that keeps people stuck. Just like matron, who knew that the best thing for me was to go back to class and re-engage in learning, my work is to help people overcome their fears. However, unlike matron, I use innovative emotional technology - along with visualisations, intuitive exercises and new communication and listening skills - to help them rediscover their hidden resources and strengths and unleash their potential - there's absolutely no peppermint cordial, I promise.
Don't let fear, shame or guilt hold you back any longer, join the class. We're all in it together and it's fun.
Spring is here and it's time to get planting in your relationships as well as the garden!
