Love Lines #13: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Just Do It
Hopefully the soul searching over the last 13 days has helped you see that to allow love in your life is to heal the relationship with yourself.  Easy to say, not so easy to put into practise, but a little inner reflection every day will get you on track.  


'The journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step' Lao Tsu.

Day 13:
For each important person in your life write a list of the things you admire about them, put it in an envelope and post it.  Don't forget to send one to yourself!    Happy Valentine's Day.

Love Lines #12: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Embracing the Feminine  
Feminine energy is the quality that allows relationships to flourish.  It is creative, receptive, loving, patient, understanding, intuitive and forgiving.  Both men and women need a balance of feminine and masculine energies to reach their highest potential.  Cynicism, judgment and fear of emotions destroy our connection to feminine energy and keep us from connecting to others.




Day 12:
2 days to go until Valentine's Day - still time to work on your relationship with yourself!  Our creative, feminine energy can only be accessed with courage and kindness.   Our feminine energy is vulnerable, full of feeling and has great intelligence, and yet it is not something that has traditionally been valued in daily life.  Use today to research and embrace your feminine side.  You may be delighted with the results!

Love Lines #11: love is the answer, whatever the question.

What holds you back?
That's the title of this month's Workshop for Life and one of the things we will be looking at is self-doubt. We will explore the thoughts and beliefs hidden underneath doubt and learn how to reframe the original experiences that set them in motion.


Whether you have someone to share Valentine's Day with or not, loving yourself and living wholeheartedly automatically improves your relationship to life.    What holds you back?




Day 11:
It can much easier to see other people's patterns and behaviour than our own.  Why not ask a few people what they see as the thing that holds you back?  Even if the feedback is difficult to take, look on it as a key to freedom, thank them and be willing to see yourself through their eyes.  If you ask a few people and get different answers each time, great - at least you'll know how you come across, and will have plenty to work on!  When you address your hidden doubts face on, they lose their power over you.

Love Lines #10: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Keep It Simple, Silly!
Valentine's Day can be about romance, but really it's about Heart, about being defenceless, open and wanting to connect with the world.


Day 10:
This is straightforward, but having the courage to put it into action might be a challenge.  Its good to be honest with yourself about how you use fear to hold you back in relationships, its only then that you can change your ways.  Find 5 people today and share how you have been keeping yourself distant in your relationship with them, and thank them in some way for still being in your life - a gift, an expression of appreciation, a kindness!  Let me know how you get on.  Share the love!

Love Lines #9: love is the answer, whatever the question.

An Attitude of Gratitude
The research is in - giving thanks increases of feelings of happiness and love.


Day 9:
Each day write down on a small note pad a list of the things in your life you are grateful for.  Keep it close to you and at low moments take it out and remember.  When you feel inspired - express it to those who matter. 

Sometimes it takes courage to express thanks, especially to someone you have perhaps found challenging, but don't let that stop you!  Finding something you admire and/or appreciate about them and expressing it could change the relationship completely.  

Love Lines #8: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Spread the Love
So far we have focussed on strengthening your relationship to your Self (still time to catch up - read the blogs below).  Because you are the common denominator in your life, as you learn to love yourself you bring a better quality of love to all your relationships.   And now that you are building a healthy relationship to yourself, it is time to spread the love outwards.  


Day 8:
Focus your attention on a positive memory, perhaps a happy time when you felt calm, centred, loving.  Exaggerate these feelings and get familiar with the physical and emotional experience of them.  Feel how your heart warms and expands, how your breathing changes, perhaps you find yourself smiling?


Once you are totally immersed in the positive feelings, imagine yourself bringing them to an area of your life where you are struggling.   See yourself feeling supported, centred, loving, strengthened by the positive feelings that exist in you and drawing on them to change areas of your life where you feel more vulnerable.  Whatever we pay attention to grows stronger.   Spread the love, heal the fear.

Love Lines #7: love is the answer, whatever the question.

No Regrets
Australian author and songwriter, Bronnie Ware, spent many years working in palliative care.  From her conversations with the dying she wrote a book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, a memoir of her life and how it was transformed by the common regrets expressed by the dying.  Here they are:
1.  I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, and not the life others expected of me.
2.  I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3.  I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings
4.  I wish I'd stayed in touch with my friends.
5.  I wish I had let myself be happier.


Day 7: 
Relationships thrive when we are open and heartfelt.   Looking at your life as it is now, what regrets would you have on your deathbed?  Is there an unresolved issue in a significant relationship?  Do you find it hard to openly express your love for others?  Is there something you wish you could try, just for the sheer fun and adventure of it?  Are you burying old hurts and pain in the hopes they will go away?  Write a list of your imagined regrets and let your life begin its transformation today whilst there is still time to live life with an open heart and no regrets.

Love Lines #6: love is the answer, whatever the question.

A daily warm up for Valentine's Day

Getting on Track.

We all have inner wisdom, we have the answers and solutions to any problems, if we just ask ourselves the right questions.  When we get our life on track, the feelings of well-being and fulfilment automatically benefit our relationships.  Learning to listen within and then take action is the key to moving our lives forward. 

Day 6:

Give yourself 15 minutes of quiet reflection and ask yourself this question:

What is the one thing I am not doing now that,  if I did do, would greatly improve my life 6 months from now?  

Listen well.  Take Action.

Love Lines #5: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Your daily warm up for Valentine's Day

EMBRACE your relationship.

Relationship problems can feel overwhelming.  If something isn't working, it may be time to change the way you think about it.  Albert Einstein said: 'You cannot solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it’. 
Our 7-step transformation model, EMBRACE, helps you address relationship issues by breaking them down into manageable steps.  


Day 5:  Here are some questions to ask yourself, the answers could surprise you!  Give yourself time to reflect on these questions and write the answers down.  Then ask yourself what 3 things could you easily change?  It might be to start a dialogue with your partner around how you feel, or a change in your behaviour, perhaps getting the help you need to address your own pain.  Like Albert says, changing the way you approach something can change your world.

Engage

How engaged are you in the relationship?  Have you already left by emotionally withdrawing?  Or by giving up all attempts to make things better?

Meet

How willing are you to see things differently.  Are you hanging on to a miserable situation because you are afraid of being alone?  Or is the situation miserable because you are afraid of intimacy?

Bridge

Are you waiting for the other person to make the first move? Effective change requires a willingness to communicate.  Would you rather be right or be happy? How willing are you to build bridges? 

Release
10% of the pain in a situation is to do with the present and 90% comes from our past.  What old event, relationship pattern or wound is surfacing here?  Where have you felt like this before?  Who, from your past, does your partner's behaviour remind you of?

Align

How much time do you give to your own creative self-expression?  What are you expecting the relationship to give you?  How much responsibility do you take for your own sense of fulfillment and happiness? 

Commit

What do you feel about commitment?  What does that mean to you, to your partner?  What role model do you have for a successful relationship? 

Evolve

What skills and tools do you need to help you learn and grow in your relationship?  How many times have you been here before?  What outcome would you like to have this time? What simple steps could you take to move toward that outcome?

Love Lines #4: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Daily insights as a warm up to Valentine's Day

Putting Yourself First

The different words and phrases we use to convey a similar message can be very revealing.   My husband and I are both coaches and often work together helping partnerships address their relationships challenges.  When we're working with patterns of withdrawal I might say something like ‘you are the only person who can put you into the centre of your life’ whereas my husband might comment ‘you have to deal yourself into the game’ – it must be from all those nights he played poker!!! 

The language also reflects a different mindset.  Women tend to take care of others at the expense of their own needs and men tend to exclude themselves and go it alone.  Whilst the behaviour is different the underlying issue is the same – a feeling of unworthiness.  Whatever the language, to truly connect in any relationship, you have to show up in your own life first.

Day 4:
Do something that makes you feel good to be you.  It doesn’t have to be a huge event.  It could be something as simple as making yourself your favourite meal, joining a group of some kind, starting a course, helping a child solve a problem, singing on the top of your voice.  Living your life doesn’t mean a dramatic make-over, in fact it is often the small things we do that change the course of our lives forever.  Whatever you choose to do – do it wholeheartedly, because it matters to YOU.  If you want your children to feel good about themselves, lead your life
                                                     wholeheartedly and show them how its done!

Love Lines #3: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Realizing Empathy
Sometimes someone else says it far better.  Seung Chan Lim, a design consultant talks about the gift of creativity that exists when we open our hearts and expand understanding through empathy rather than knowledge.

Day 3:  Take 7 minutes for yourself and enjoy.

Love Lines #2: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Love as Focussed Attention.  
The quality of attention we bring to ourselves and others will determine the quality of love in our life and relationships.  


Day 2:  If you are struggling with an issue and feeling overwhelmed, it is important to have compassion for yourself.   Often we will do anything for friends and family in trouble, but we have no idea how to bring gentle and focussed attention to the parts of ourselves who feel traumatised, hurt, upset or stressed. Our vulnerability comes from a much younger state of mind and needs the kindness, love, support and respect that we would give any child in pain.    Focussing loving kindness on ourselves in this way reduces anxiety and stress and helps us to process emotions more effectively.  We become stronger, more resilient and more emotionally robust.  

Love Lines #1: love is the answer, whatever the question.

Start your daily inner workout for a healthy Valentine's Day .  

               

It may sound like a cliché but the love we have for ourselves determines the quality of love we give to others.


Every relationship offers an opportunity for growth and healing but the most powerful relationship of all is the one we have with ourselves.   If you want your relationships to blossom, the best way to start is by removing the blocks to Self (yes, with a capital S). 


Getting to know your Self begins by making peace with your strengths and your vulnerabilities. Its not an easy journey and at times you'll get lost, take a wrong turn and end up in a quagmire.  Self-awareness gives you greater insight and a deeper understanding of feelings and behaviour.  As you learn to read your emotional map and identify and understand the territory, you will find that life's journey changes from a series of overwhelming challenges to a great adventure - there will still be ups and downs, but you'll also get to enjoy the scenery!  


Day 1: At a tea-break, traffic light or waiting for the kids give yourself a moment to go inwards and do some research.  How are you feeling?  Tense, worried, sad, fearful, numb?  Where do you feel it in your body?  How does it feel trying to figure out what is going on?  Irritating, scary, daft?  Whatever the experience just notice it, acknowledge it and take 3 deep breaths to focus your attention.  With each in-breath imagine calm entering your body, and on each out-breath see yourself lovingly blowing stress away.