How big is your Brave?

You know when you have a really good idea and then all the doubt and fear come creeping in, eating away at your confidence and courage?  Me too!  I’ve just scared the life out of myself by having a wonderful idea, a huge vision for the future.

So you know what I did?  I downloaded the song ‘Brave’ off iTunes (okay it took some time ‘cos I’d forgotten my password), played it full blast in my kitchen and danced my socks off.  The dog loved it – even my husband was impressed!  Its going to be a PowerBoost song for the times when I feel doubt and fear overtaking me and I’m definitely playing this Saturday at the workshop, cos that’s when I’m going to be working on my new, crazy, amazing, exciting idea.

There are a couple of places left if you want to join in the creative playtime this weekend.


Watch the video, crank up the volume and dance.  I dare you to not laugh and cry at the same time.

As it says in the song, show me how big your Brave is!

Getting Emotional - the 5 principles of Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are like waves, we can't stop them coming but we can learn how to surf.  

The process of feeling emotions is natural, our bodies are wired to feel and our behaviour is driven by them.  However, most of the time we operate from a superficial level of emotion expressing annoyance, anger, cheerfulness.  The deeper levels of emotion: betrayal, heartbreak, joy, compassion, usually stay very buried until triggered by big events.  

We felt these big emotions all the time as children, until life's experiences taught us to shut them down.  Even though they make up our very life force, we have cut ourselves off from experiencing deep and powerful emotions, yet they still run in our emotional body at full throttle, driving our behaviour and the decisions we make.

Feelings and emotions are a powerful and precious resource and learning to rebuild a conscious and skillful access to them enables us to engage in life wholeheartedly.

5 PRINCIPLES OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 

·      Emotions have a beginning and an end, none are too big to experience and, with courage and willingness, even very powerful emotions can be experienced and processed skillfully.  By allowing emotions to come into our awareness without resistance or denial, they can then move through our emotional body with greater ease and will ultimately take us to a state of happy relief and gratitude.

·      It is safe to feel feelings.  No-one ever died from feeling their feelings but if we refuse to open up, we die inside. Denying and defending against feeling creates stress in our bodies and, rather than allowing them to help us to make sense of our world, we let them drive our behaviour instead.  We start to act them out through tantrum, withdrawal, blame, ill-health, denial etc.  We don’t have to express feelings in order to feel them (although it helps) - they can be felt inside by consciously focusing on them. 

·      The level to which negative feelings are suppressed or denied is the level to which access to positive feelings is limited.  If we don’t allow ourselves to feel the bad stuff, we can’t enjoy the good stuff.  The mind does not discern whether a feeling is good or bad – it just gets the message that a lot of energy is running and it is time to shut down, this leads to a feeling of deadness. By opening up to feelings our life experiences become richer. 

·      Experiencing negative feelings allows them to lift, release and reveal other feelings underneath.  While negative feelings feel very real at the time, they often originate from past experiences, misunderstandings and limiting beliefs.  The purpose of opening up to them is to heal them and find the truth, ease and happiness beyond.

·      Every feeling is important.  Feelings come from experiences and beliefs and hold unrefined wisdom. There is a greater Intelligence and a Creative Force in our feeling realm that cannot be accessed through just thinking.  Healing old hurts and wounds transforms the negative energy into positive qualities that support our personal growth and emotional evolution.  

Learning to access and process vulnerable feelings takes courage, our Family@Heart course is a friendly and fun way to get the support and tools you need to unblock the flow of courage, compassion and wonder in your life.

The Curse of the Monkey's Paw.

Do you know how they catch a monkey in India?  They drill a small hole into a coconut, place some rice inside, tie the coconut securely to the base of a tree and wait for the monkey to arrive.  The monkey, being curious and always on the lookout for food, puts his paw inside the coconut and grabs a handful of rice.  Whilst the hole is big enough to put a paw in, it’s too small to allow a clenched fist out. The monkey holds on to the rice - even as the catcher approaches.  By refusing to let go of something he can't even use, the monkey loses his freedom.

The same thing happens in relationships.  I call it the Curse of the Money's Paw.  You hold on to something, refusing to see that its of no longer of use and your refusal to let go means you're trapped.   

How do you know you're holding on?  If you feel

• frustrated you can't make yourself understood. 
• a need to please everyone to keep the peace.  
• you find fault easily - either with yourself or others.
• you fantasize how things could be and complain about how things are.
• you want things to be perfect and lose it when your expectations aren't met.
• confused when things change, unable to understand what's happening.
• stressed, driven by too many goals.
• unable to focus on one thing for long.
• unenthusiastic about events, believing it'll only end in disappointment.
• unwilling to acknowledge you have a problem.

The key is to first understand what it is you are holding on to and why.  Maybe you're holding on to an old relationship, or a time when life seemed rosy.  Perhaps you're holding on to a fantasy life - an idea that you should be living a 'happy ever after' story. 

Holding on to a belief that you don't deserve to be happy will bring life to a grinding halt.  Holding on to feelings of hurt and loss will keep you trapped in the past and stifle your chance of a brighter future. 

Learning to let go is a skill and first requires a re-focus, a shifting of emphasis from being caught in the past to setting a goal for how you want the future to be. 

Letting go sets you free and allows for creative possibilities.

What are you still holding on to?  How does it keep you stuck?  Our coaching, courses and workshops will help you escape the past and celebrate freedom.

Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free.  Paul Tillich

   

Christmas Presence

Buying gifts for Christmas can be the easy part – one click and parcels  arrive at your door. Being present at this time of year can be more of a challenge.

I’ve decided to make 2014 the year of giving my gifts – whatever they may be – and, because once I’m inspired I like to get started, I’m giving two free evening workshops in the festive run-up called ‘Christmas Presence’.

If you’d like to get together with a group of like-minded people and work on how best to give your presence this Christmas contact me to book your free place.  There’ll be laughter, mince pies, a few tears, lots of fun and a donation box for an amazing local charity, The Rosemary Foundation. 

Contact me to reserve your place on one or both events.
Wednesdays 4th & 11th December, 6.30 – 9.30.

Help yourself first.

Ever have those conversations with someone who is miserable and no matter what you say to cheer them up, they turn everything into a negative?

+ But you've got a lovely family
- Yeah, they just take me for granted

+ At least you have a job
- For how long, though?

+ You're really talented
-  You're my mother, what do you know?

Eventually you get fed up giving them any positive support and throw the towel in saying 'Okay, be miserable then.'  At the end of the dialogue you both end up feeling negative and miserable.

I had just that this morning with one of my kids.  I could see all the possibilities and potential of a situation he finds himself in and yet he countered everything I said with a 'yeah, but'.  I could feel myself getting annoyed with him and then suddenly I got it, we were polarising each other.  His low feelings were getting to me, I didn't want him to feel bad about himself because it would make me feel bad about myself.  Instead of facing my own negative feelings I went to the polar opposite feeling, becoming super positive and trying to make him feel positive too.  None of my suggestions were of any use because I was talking at him not connecting with him.  How could I connect with him when I wasn't prepared to connect with my own feelings?

We all have big dreams, we all have amazing potential waiting to be released.  The trouble is we also have powerful beliefs that we're stupid, not good enough, inadequate, 'less-than'.  These beliefs are like security guards looming threateningly at the door to our authentic self. They stand guard and issue insults and threats to scare us from ever going in.  Sometimes they speak quietly, sometimes loudly, either way they have more power and control over us than any positive words we hear in our outside world.

I can love my son, support him, encourage him, tell him 'you're amazing, you can do it' - give him a loving kick up the backside even - but the most effective way for me to help him is to have the courage to face my own fears.  How on earth can I expect him to overcome self-doubt if I don't have the courage to address the places where I feel held-back by fear and vulnerability?

If we want our kids to be feel happy, confident and successful the best thing we can do is to show them how we achieve it for ourselves.

Women are the leaders of the new world order.

There, I've said it.  I've told you what I really think.  No big surprise for anyone who knows me, I am not known for 'being backwards in coming forwards' (as my mother would say),  but I have been a bit timid about putting it in writing. 

Why?  Because I was worried that I might be misunderstood, like I was trying to bash men, or start a revolution or something and, tempting as it feels at times, I know both activities would be a complete waste of energy and resources.  Anyway, I tried them and it didn't work,  My apologies to the people who still bear the scars.

I believe women are born leaders and are transformational leaders of relationship.  The time has come for them to take their place and lead the new world order - into true partnership.  Business guru Seth Godin's blog 'Denying facts you don't like' says that 'transformational leaders don't start by denying the world around them.  Instead, they describe a future they want to create.'  Women intuitively know what a successful relationship should feel like and understand the value of communication. They are often the first to recognise when something is wrong in a relationship and look to do something about it.  

However, if they are not particularly confident or skilled at starting a dialogue with their partner or don't believe in themselves enough to articulate the importance of working on a relationship together then, when faced with their partner's denial or rejection, they often lose courage and give up on themselves or on the relationship.  And miss their opportunity to lead the relationship to a new level.

A call to Loving Arms. 

Women are equipped physically, hormonally, neurologically to nurture, to empathize and to build community. Female brains, hearts and bodies have the right neurons, hormones and infastructure to enable them to do what comes naturally: build relationship and create community.  Research has even shown that supporting and strengthening women to grow in confidence and self-worth is the most effective path to creating lasting change and stability within society. 

My personal research and training, plus the inspirational clients I work with, have shown me how much true intelligence and wisdom there is in a woman's ability to feel.  In a world that has lost heart this is a powerful, precious - and life saving - resource.  

In the Huffington Post, researcher and author (and definitely a 'leader of the new world order'), Dr Brene Brown states that 'who we are and how we engage with the world are much stronger indicators of how our children will do than what we know about parenting.' Therefore, if we want our children to feel equipped to handle the highs and lows they will encounter in life, we must learn to model resilience, emotional intelligence and be willing to be vulnerable.

If we want our children to achieve success in their lives as adults, as parents and life partners we must demonstrate the courage, commitment and mature communication skills needed to process the feelings and emotions we experience.  For the next generation to reach their potential we must show them how to become leaders of their lives by being the leaders in our own, rather than letting life lead us.

  

So many times, when encouraged to take the lead and address the issues in their relationship, I hear women say, 'but, why do I have to do all the work?  Why can't he be the one to take the lead?'  Because most men haven't got a clue.  Their feminine qualities have been suppressed, denied and devalued.  They haven't been shown how to work with them effectively.  As women reclaim and ignite their innate feminine gifts of relationship and show men how to communicate, truly communicate, with the intention of resolving differences not just circulating blame and criticism, men will learn to trust communication as a vehicle for good, rather than a method for scoring points.

Calling all Women. 
Have you been in denial about your true gifts? Are you holding back, worried what people might say if you start living your real life?  Another LOTNWO, Marianne Williamson, famously wrote 'your playing small does not serve the world.  You were born to shine, as children do'.  She wrote that for everyone, but it is also a wake-up call for women.  Of course we want our children to shine, so let's show them how.

Women have what it takes to lead their loved ones, their family, colleagues and friends to a new level of relationship. Their hearts will tell them what is working and what is not but due to habit, conditioning or lack of confidence, they often hand the responsibility for solving the problems over to the men. 

By all means give your man your heart, just don't give him the keys and put him in the driving seat; he won't know where he's going, he wont admit when he's lost and certainly won't ask for directions!

True partnership is created when each partner understands their worth and their value - and shares it.  It is time to take your true place as a leader in your life and in the world and to bring relationships to a new level.  Trust your intuition, listen to your heart, reclaim the abundance of feminine gifts you have within you.  As each woman reclaims her place in the world as a transformational leader, it gives others permission to do the same and, together, we really can make the world a better place.

Courage is what it takes, a word that comes from the French for heart, so let's take heart and make a small step in emotional evolution - and a giant leap for all mankind.

Don't let life lead you up the wrong path, to make positive changes and reclaim your leadership contact Kim on kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or 07789 408378.

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TeamGB: you had me at 'on your mark'

I'm exhausted.  


I've rowed, run, biked, swum and wept.  With pride, with joy, with heartbreak.  All from the comfort of my sofa.  And it's only the first week of the Olympics.


Watching the Olympics is a rollercoaster of emotions.  These amazing athletes give their all and their best.  All week I have been celebrating and commiserating, feeling so so proud of TeamGB for their talent, their dedication and their heart.


Whilst the rapidly growing tally of medals is filling us all with pride, the real talent I have witnessed is the team's sheer class.  Each athlete interviewed has shown such gratitude, humility, integrity, respect and love not just for their sport but for the support they have received, for the encouraging cheers of the home-crowd and for their fellow competitors.  


They have communicated what it takes to be an Olympian; not just years of dedication, focus and skill but also love and appreciation for your fellow man.  


We may think we're just cheering our country on to win, but as we join in the collective cheer we are all being trained in the most noble skill of all - human empathy. 


It feels great to be part of something much bigger than just one person, to be joining a collective ocean of good will. 


Let's all go for the real gold.  Community.

Not waving, but drowning.

"Whenever I try to talk to my wife about our relationship she says it's fine.   So what's wrong with me, I feel so miserable, yet she seems happy?"


Everything in relationship balances; the degree to which one partner is out of touch with their emotions is the degree to which the other will feel overwhelmed by theirs.  My client was processing all the feelings in the relationship and, without the skills to identify his own emotions accurately, felt overwhelmed and isolated.  He felt ashamed of these feelings, judging himself as weak.  His wife, however, was in denial of her deeper feelings and had pushed them away as her way of making life easier.


When there is a loss of connection in a relationship - perhaps due to an unresolved issue, a breakdown in communication or the stress of everyday life -  each partner adjusts to it in the hopes things will improve.  The adjustments slowly drive a couple further apart, it can be subtle at first but one day they wake up and realise they are exist in entirely different emotional landscapes.  


In the case of my client he was in an emotional swamp - drowning in feelings he could barely understand, struggling helplessly to get some kind of footing. His wife was living inside a rock: believing she was safe within her own world and refusing to recognise that her husband wanting to talk about the relationship was a cry for help.  




Not understanding their loss of connection and trying to keep the relationship going, each had unconsciously chosen opposite coping strategies.  Even though it seemed to be working on a daily basis, the distance was now making the relationship vulnerable.  At this stage usually the person in the swamp makes a last ditch attempt to rid themselves of bad feelings, often believing the best way to escape the pain is by leaving the relationship. Its usually then their partner wakes up and falls into a great deal of pain.


Unconsciously we are extremely sensitive to the loss of connection in our relationship, we feel vulnerable and start making small adjustments, not realising that the best thing we can do is start communicating.  Its rather like living in an earthquake zone and ignoring earth tremors in the hopes that the big one will never hit, the pressure builds to such a degree that there has to be a seismic shift to release it.  When a major earthquake strikes, the fallout can be devastating.


Most long-term relationships hit this state and many don't survive it . It takes commitment and willingness to face things head on, to open up to each other, share vulnerabilities and regain connection.  But taking a risk and learning to communicate about and be comfortable with our emotions, builds the strongest, most loving and resilient of relationships.