Loving Family

Dear Beloved,

Welcome home!  Please take a moment to admire, enjoy and appreciate this clean, orderly and tidy kitchen.

The time spent clearing out (and filling!) the fridge, scrubbing the bins, cleaning sinks, surfaces and floors were filled with love for you, me and for our home.


Its wonderful you're here and I hope you will accept my heartfelt welcome gift of a calm and peaceful space to relax and unwind in.  My wish is that our time together be full of loving moments; creating wonderful meals, having interesting conversations, talking over any problems, laughing, crying and having fun!

All I ask is that the state of the kitchen act as a template, that it reflect a mindful attitude and set the standard for the rest of our home.

I'm not asking for things to be perfect or immaculate, only
awareness of and commitment to a certain standard of housekeeping. My heart's desire is that our time together be filled with love, ease and celebration and a good attitude toward a shared environment will help.

So welcome, my Beloved, chill, sit back, enjoy.

And please leave the kitchen how you found it. :)

Much love, as ever.

A little thank you.

My friend, Marisa, is a talented photographer and just over a year ago she embarked on a gratitude project.  Each day for a whole year she posted a photographic image online that reflected her gratitude for an experience or moment.

I was really inspired by the project but wanted to find another way of creating images - mainly because the tech-skill requirement was too high for me.  Sometimes messing about with cameras, computers, cables, downloading, uploading, wifi etc kind of takes away the will to live, know what I mean?  

I have been on an amazing creative adventure over the last few years and have been learning many skills, but always felt useless at 'art'.   So - because I like to give myself a challenge - I decided that it would be fun to draw the images in my journal.  I find drawing very frustrating, things never look on paper the way they do in my head, so I felt that giving myself the task of drawing every day would help me overcome a belief that I can't draw and encourage me to develop the skills at the same time.

Of course a project like this requires just the right equipment and, as you may have already guessed, I needed little excuse to go shopping in search of art supplies.  

First the journal: plain pages, not too big, nice paper, easy to fit in my handbag. (I also realised that with 365 days to record there may be a need for more than one book). Of all the places, Ikea had exactly the right one.  Nice shape, right size pages and not too 'precious' that it would make me nervous to draw in.

Then, oh joy of joys, colouring pencils!  I can't tell you how ridiculously happy buying a big tin of colouring pencils made me. 

 Well, actually, I had to first spend a couple of minutes justifying the price, but after that I got the most enormous rush of childlike delight with a flashback memory of a gift of a set of crayons.  The woody, smokey smell of them, the strangely mouthwatering spectrum of colours and the sheer delicious, exciting anticipation of creating pictures.  I reclaimed all of that in one purchase of Faber-Castell watercolour pencils.  Priceless!

I usually write the journal at night - taking time to focus in on what I want to give thanks for and how best to convey it in an image.  I have to confess there have been a few dark times when I've got to the end of the day and wondered what to say...but after a few moments reflection something amazing shines through.  

Expressing gratitude and spending a few moments drawing (and colouring!) creates a wonderful end to the day.  

Not only do I also fall asleep faster, I sleep much deeper and, even in the short time since I started,  my drawing skills have improved hugely!

There's a word for that...

My word for 2015 is COMMITMENT - I got fed up with resolutions, I made too many, couldn't remember what they were and lost the list anyway.

Having one word is much easier.

Last year my word was CREATIVITY and I had a blast with it.   Not only did I sew, draw, knit, crochet and paint furniture, I also practised new ways to approach familiar situations and behaviours - looking for a better, more creative way to handle life's challenges.

This year using COMMITMENT as my guiding principle is helping to ground much of what I learned.


Last year I had so many creative projects on the go they colonised the bedrooms and it would take me hours to clear up my stuff to make room for visitors. So in January COMMITMENT saw me gathering my stuff and moving it all into one designated room.  My husband generously offered me his study and I created a lovely office space for him on the upstairs landing (nicer than it sounds, honest).  The spare bedroom is now ready for visitors at a moments notice, I have a perfect space to work in and everything has its rightful place.

February's COMMITMENT was to unfinished business.  All the half finished projects from last year got put on a list and I slowly worked my way through them.  Not just the pyjamas I hadn't finished sewing, or the blanket/quilt/baby hat I was still working on, I made a concerted effort to listen very consciously to the voice inside my head that nags me about stuff I have or haven't done, or berates me about situations or relationships that need attention.  Again, I wrote them down and slowly worked my way through them.... okay some didn't get addressed right away, but I am much clearer about them; I now know what I have to do and have set myself some deadlines.

March's COMMITMENT is to a fresh start. The house is clean, the cupboards sorted, the charity shop donated to.  With the longer days I go for a lovely morning run with the dog through woodlands and a water meadow.  Each time my heart is filled with such gratitude not only that I am surrounded by glorious countryside, but that my body is still able to move with relative ease and that I can start each day with health giving habits.

April's COMMITMENT will see the start of me Making Wednesdays Matter and establishing a more focussed approach to the things I want to achieve in 2015. We've a busy year ahead - loads of family weddings, a little granddaughter to delight in; projects in the house and at work that we want to get on with and I know that creating focus will help things to run smoothly.

I have no idea what the rest of the year will look like but I do know that using COMMITMENT as my lens I am learning to see things differently and create successful outcomes with much greater ease.

6 easy steps to Commitment

 
• Make some noise. Write down what you would love to achieve this year and tell someone. There's something about saying it out loud and having someone witness it that helps the process. Your projects could all be fun but make at least one something you know is going to be a challenge but will make life easier in the long run.  Here are just some on my list:  sew a dressing gown, learn to knit fair isle and socks (not necessarily at the same time), put the decades of photos into albums, move the garden shed...
• Be Self-Centred.  The first stage is to commit to yourself first - to make your own success and happiness matter too. This has to be something that is important to you and not done to please others or to keep the peace.   If you find yourself fighting the process - stop, go back and check if the outcomes are really what you want. 
• Fire up your neurons.  We are natural problem solvers and asking yourself the right kind of question  activates the mind's own search engine.  Questions like 'what would commitment to this task look like?' will fire up those brain cells and you'll soon be coming up with creative solutions. 
• Make a cup of tea.  The unconscious Creative Mind works in images and metaphor and is a powerful driver of your behaviour.   Help harness this resource by gathering images that help you see what the finished outcome will look like.  So gather up some magazines, make a cup of tea and leaf through the pictures - its all 'research'.  Whilst Pinterest is amazing - having a note book, vision board or even a box with a pile of ripped out pictures as physical reference helps to anchor the process and harness the power of your Creative Mind.
• Beware the Kiss of Death.  Two things act as a Kiss of Death to Commitment: guilt that you're not achieving your goal and fear that you will lose your freedom if you do.  Make your goals realistic and achievable, keep checking in with yourself: are these ideas/goals/dreams important to you? If so keep asking yourself what commitment looks like - and give yourself time to listen in, the answers will come.  
• Phone a friend.  Sometimes its good to talk things through when you get stuck. Its good to remember that asking for help is not a sign of weakness but of leadership - it communicates that you want to lead your life.  If you don't have someone to call on who wants you to achieve your goals  - put it on the list!  And give me a call :)

Making Matters

It was Monday morning, the house was finally empty and there I was buzzing with creative energy, fingers itching to get started on the many projects I have on the go.

So I cleaned the oven.

Then the floor.

The kitchen is now spotless and I feel better with my house in order, but the process taught me something; until I consciously value my own creativity, it will move further and further down the To Do list until it falls off the bottom.

So from 1st April I am dedicating Wednesdays to creativity.  There will most likely be other times in my week when I’m busy making, but this is my public statement of intent, a clear commitment to myself to place creativity firmly in the centre of my life.

I’m happy spending time working away on my own, but I’ve extended the invitation to friends to come and join me in Making Wednesdays Matter.  They're welcome to come for the day and bring along their creative projects - or just pop in for a coffee,cake and a chat in a creative space.  All I ask is that they donate £2 to Women for Women International, so we can help other women help themselves.  


It was my mother-in-law who encouraged me to do it.  She has friends who have been meeting for years to sew, knit and chat.  Some even asking others for mending projects as an excuse to turn up! 

Now that I am clear about my intention, my mind is starting to prioritise which projects to finish first, what extra materials or preparation work I need before I start.  I find myself starting to look around and ear-mark things for Making Wednesdays.

A friend of mine describes this as the difference between the Intention and the Out-tension.  The Intention is always constant  the Out-tension is the focus and action it takes to stay true to the Intention.

My Intention is to value creativity in myself and others and there is a certain kind of tension needed to manifest this in my life, so the Out-tension is making Wednesdays a creative day, getting my projects organised, inviting others to join me.  

I always imagine the Out-tension like walking a tight rope - at first you need intense focus and concentration but after a while, even though you never lose focus on what you're doing, your confidence grows and your body relaxes into it more.

The deeper I move into my own creative self-expression the more I recognise what a vital foundation stone it is for relationship success.  (See my blog on the 5 Daily Habits for Relationship Success).

Finding an outlet for your own creative self-expression allows you to heal the relationship to a vulnerable part of yourself who, as a child, was possibly shamed or ridiculed for his/her creative effort.  And that vulnerable place is also a doorway to connection with others.   

My creative journey has inspired my husband to start his own, he now makes award-winning Sourdough Bread and is also rediscovering his love of painting.   

Giving yourself permission to enjoy whatever creative project you do without comparison to others or harsh self-criticism is infectious (see my blog on getting the family hooked) - it awakens the playful, creative side in others and then we all get to play together again!

Don't push the river uphill.

If the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome then, in my experience, when it comes to relationships most people are mad.

Again and again I hear people saying 'I really want my relationship to work'  'I really want things to be different' - yet do nothing to change the way they relate to the other person.  

The bottom line is you can talk until you are blue in the face but nothing will change unless you do. 

Trying to make a relationship work by getting the other person to change is like trying to push a river uphill.  Why bother?  It is a waste of energy and the moment you stop it reverts back to its old path.

Many women have come through my door heartbroken about the state of their relationship.  Although their circumstances may be very different, the pattern is always the same: communication has broken down, intimacy is gone, there's no fun, no spark and if it weren't for the children they'd be gone.

  

Most of time any attempt to talk to their partner results in the same response: denial.  Although it may show up in different forms here are the most common forms of denial:

  

The Fixer:  They like to be in charge and come up with the answers.  'If you got a job/took up a hobby/went for a weekend with your friends...you'd feel better about yourself'.  In other words 'you're the problem, our relationship is fine'.

The Ostrich: Confronted with a problem they suddenly get so busy that they're exhausted and too tired to talk during the week and will do miraculously tackle long forgotten jobs at the weekend - anything to avoid a conversation.  They believe if they keep their head in the sand long enough the problem/subject matter will go away.

The Rabbit:  Looks at you like a rabbit caught in the headlights and then says 'I don't know what you want me to say', leaving you speechless and ready to run them down. 

The Raging Bull:  Turns the tables straight away and starts pointing the finger at you and your inadequacies.  

The Teddy Bear:  Listens attentively, declares their love for you, cooks a lovely meal - saying how silly you are, that we've got an amazing life together and that you're not to think like that.  

Like I said, denial.

If either partner feels there is a relationship problem, there's a relationship problem for both partners and denial is the kiss of death.

I believe you can initiate conversation about a relationship 3 times and if the other person isn't responsive and actively engages in addressing the issue, then the best thing to do is stop talking and take action.  

When words are no longer getting through, you need to communicate clearly with your behaviour.  I don't mean emotional blackmail, or making empty threats just a clean, clear-cut demonstration of how you feel about things. 

Of course its scary.  Of course it takes courage to really address issues in a relationship, but its scarier to spend years pushing the river uphill only to find that when you stop you drown due to exhaustion.  

A relationship is a boat that rides the river of life and the woman is the captain; she is in touch with the emotional currents and intuitively reads the ebbs and flow, she feels the direction the relationship is taking.  If things are stagnant, it is time to develop skills to harness the power and potential of the river and lead your relationship through tricky waters and back into the flow.

Stop pushing the river uphill and use the energy to work on yourself first.  You may need to get the help and support to develop the confidence, courage and communication skills that allow you to take your true position as leader in the relationship,  the same skills you need to make your life work for you - whatever direction the river takes.

Spiritual Housekeeping

The house is in chaos! I need to clear the beds (yes, plural) of ironing because 1) people are coming to stay for Christmas and 2) the ironing mostly consists of the bedlinen they will be sleeping in.  

On Desert Island Discs the other day the Archbishop of Canterbury revealed that he prays when doing the ironing.   I usually just listen to the Archers but I often use the time to ruminate, to sort stuff out in my head, to think things through.  

The very act of taking a mangled pile of laundry and creating neatly folded order is so therapeutic - not to mention a good long term investment.  If I've ironed those sheets and I have put them in their proper piles in the airing cupboard I don't have to then wrestle with them all, ruining all my neat piles until I find the right size for the right bed - so making beds also becomes an easy job.  

And the only thing nicer than a bed made with crisp, ironed bedlinen is getting into a bed made with crisp, ironed bedlinen.   I love making up the beds for the kids' visits and even though they're all adults now, I hope that as they snuggle down to sleep they feel their mother's loving embrace in the comfort of a well made bed!  

Tell me I'm not alone in this!

So Christmas is coming and I've got gifts to wrap, ginger biscuits to bake, the house to decorate and ironing to do.  All jobs that will help infuse the house with a feeling of welcome, love and of being Home.  

That is my prayer.

Warm wishes, dear reader, for a joy-filled Christmas and peaceful 2015.

The Burnout Recovery Programme

If you've ever looked around at your life and asked yourself 'is this it?' -  or you feel like you've spent years climbing a challenging mountain only to get to the top and discover it's the wrong mountain, then it's pretty likely you've hit Burnout.

Burnout starts out innocently enough as a coping strategy to handle stress and challenges by pulling back, shutting down, numbing out: a little drink at the end of the day, a few hours on facebook to chill out, escaping worries with a visit to the shops...until one day you wake up to realise that despite the people and achievements in your life, you are not happy.  You feel weary, weighed down and exhausted.  Burnt out.

It can creep up on you so quietly you don't even realise it.  It isn't exclusive to age or gender, income or background.  You can live with it for years believing it's normal to feel so flat -  and at the same time judging yourself for being a miserable, ungrateful wretch.

It takes huge reserves of energy to keep going when you're in Burnout.   First it takes effort to keep all those negative feelings and thoughts at bay, then you have to work even harder to find a way to enjoy life.

You're not living you're dying of exhuastion!

Burnout saps your energy, eats away at your confidence, damages your well-being and makes you question your relationships.  If left unattended it can plunge you into crisis - where you make rash decisions about your life, your relationships, your job and end up throwing away everything you've worked hard for in the mistaken belief that a new life/job/relationship will make things better.

How to recognise Burnout:

1. Emotional exhaustion and physical depletion: 

• Writing endless to-do lists and only ever crossing off the jobs you've already done.
• Spend hours browsing the internet, chatting on facebook etc and then go to bed feeling empty and dull.
• You know what you need to do but lack the motivation, energy, enthusiasm or willingness to change.
• Comfort yourself with shopping/eating/wine to take the edge of the dull pain of deep boredom that is your life.
• Find yourself thinking (almost hoping) that perhaps your lack of enthusiasm for life is due to a serious hidden illness.
• Starting new projects with great verve only to lose interest - all the time beating yourself up for not seeing things through.
• You're run ragged, feeling stressed like you're trying to keep all the plates spinning. 
• 'Living dangerously' makes you feel you're alive - regardless of who you hurt.

2.  Loss of Empathy

• Whilst you might call it trying to maintain standards others accuse you of being a perfectionist.
• Find it hard to be around people, easily irritated and intolerant of other's behaviour.
• Feel driven and competitive - at the expense of relationships.
• Keep yourself distant from others and withdraw from social activity.
• Even though you may want to help, you feel empty, like you've nothing more to give.

3.  Loss of Confidence and Competence.

• You keep having accidents - dropping things, forgetting appointments, losing important objects.
• You find yourself withdrawing from the people who matter the most to you.
• You've lost the confidence to speak up and communicate how you feel.
• There is an inner voice constantly criticising yourself and/or others.
• No matter how hard you work/how much you help others - you don't believe you're any good.

The lack of self-worth and self-compassion that accompanies Burnout can mess with your head, convincing you that since you've made a mess of things, you deserve to suffer.  

Read on for the 
Burnout Recovery Programme!

1. Rest
The first stage of recovery from Burnout is recognising the symptoms and giving yourself permission to rest.  Research has shown that if we don't allow ourselves to rest from the pressures of everyday life, our bodies can't process stress effectively and we put ourselves at risk from heart disease or other illnesses.

2. Play.
'The opposite of play is not work, the opposite of play is depression'.  Burnout addicts think play is
childish, but play really means giving yourself permission to do things for the sheer enjoyment of it.  Walking, gardening, cooking, tinkering in the shed, painting, knitting, dancing the tango: it doesn't matter what it is so long as it feeds the tender, vulnerable creative part of you.

3. Nurture
Old habits die hard so its important to learn to create a new way of relating to the world that makes space for your well-being, happiness and creativity.  Give yourself permission to slow down, kick back and re-boot your joie-de-vivre.

As the saying goes: Seek what gives makes your heart sing like a man with his head on fire seeks water!

PS. Reading this back I've realised I've been experiencing the symptoms myself!   I've decided its time to take my own advice and so I'm off on sabbatical to rest and play and nurture - just like I suggested. 

It already feels great to have given myself permission to change direction. 

I'll keep you posted! 

Crying Shame

I met someone the other day who last saw me when I was a little girl.

"Oh, I remember you," he said.  "You were always crying."

"I still am."  I replied.

I obviously showed a talent for it from an early age because I cry for a living now!

Don't get me wrong, I don't go round howling and sobbing, in fact I'd say most of the time I'm pretty chirpy, but these days I'm as comfortable with feeling tears of hurt as I am experiencing tears of laughter.  I've overcome the shame I used to feel as a child and the confusion and frustration I experienced being told to stop crying or that my feelings were wrong.  I've learnt to honour feelings of hurt, rejection and heartbreak and no longer feel shame or judge myself as weak or stupid if I feel vulnerable - I just see crying as point on my emotional spectrum.

With the right approach crying can help gather intelligence about a situation, it can feed back information about your circumstances and help you make better sense of your world.  Emotional intelligence isn't about controlling, naming or talking about emotions, it is the intelligence we gather from FEELING our emotions.

People often don't allow themselves to cry because being vulnerable brings up feelings of shame.  Many of us have been punished, teased or humiliated as children and make a solemn vow never to be be that vulnerable again.  As a result we either employ something like the Great British Stiff Upper Lip or we cry alone behind a locked door - and hate ourselves for it.

Crying, like love, is better when there's someone to share it with.  

Crying is an art and, like any new skill, can feel awkward at first.  The results can be a bit messy until you get the hang of it.  Now that I'm so good at crying I teach people how to do it.  Its actually very easy and can lead to something rather magical.  One of my clients calls it 'crying club', I think it is a source of creativity and like any creative art it needs practice and can be fun to do in a community of like minded people.  It also gives you membership to a laughter, creativity and friendship club.

This place inside, the crying place, can be a source of inspiration.  Poets, musicians and artists have used it to fuel their creativity.  Some don't want to heal their dark side for fear of losing their muse, but they have misunderstood the nature of their pain.

When we're out of practice and have a lot of 'cry' in us, we cry and all the other hurts try to escape at the same time, making the whole thing a little alarming.  However, with time and understanding you can get so good at it that there are few tears and little drama, just profound heartfelt emotion.

Being comfortable with your own vulnerability builds empathy and helps strengthen relationships.  Accepting your own emotions builds stronger bonds with others and understanding your feelings gives you the confidence to communicate better.

We don't realise that the strategies we use to hide our tears are so effective they block off the good feelings too; when we shut off our tears we deny our tears of laughter.

And that's a crying shame.

Family@Heart  starts September 2014.  Feeling your feelings and do it anyway!

 

Three words to poison a relationship

Do you know which three words will strike terror in the heart of a man?

"Can we talk?"

The moment a man hears his beloved say these three words he mentally paints a target on his chest as he awaits the dreaded, deadly pointed finger of blame.

I am no saint.  I am guilty of the same crime.  I spent years not understanding why my husband wouldn't talk about things that weren't working.  He couldn't.  He was too busy hunkering down trying to avoid the missiles I kept launching at him.

Then there came a day when I said it differently.  Instead of 'Can we talk' I said "I need to talk to you, I don't think its going to come out right but I'm not saying it because I want to fight, but because I want to sort it out."

Not elegant, not articulate but he UNDERSTOOD.  He actually says that was the moment he was able to hear I was trying to work something out and he didn't need to defend himself any more.

So many women say to me "We just don't talk and when we do it always ends up in an argument." or 'He won't talk to me'.

Let me explain something.  He doesn't know how to talk to you.  And actually - you don't know how to talk to him either.  If your man can't communicate with you then you need to work on your communication skills.  

Women are born communicators.  We're naturals.  Its just that we forget how to speak a language men can understand.  We're trying to get them to speak Woman.  Speaking Man doesn't work for us either so, as the leaders of communication women need to work on the ideal language for relationship, Love.

It can start really simply.  Just a couple of words that are without blame and criticism.  A smattering of appreciation. A few sentences where you own your feelings and take responsibility for your own happiness.  You have to make it safe for him to open up - and you'll be amazed at the results.

I can hear you already.  "But, why do I have to be the one to do all the work?'

My answer is always the same.

Because, sister, you are the Leader of the Relationship.  If you can see something isn't working, then you are the one who can provide the solution.  Beside,  the skills you need to help your relationship are skills that will help every area of your life - so it ends up win win win!

Breaking out of the relationship coma

You know you're in a relationship coma when you feel flat, bored, miserable, unhappy, resentful, overwhelmed, sexless, fat, old, uninspired, angry.......  Need I go on?

And of course its easy to blame old Whatisname - after all wasn't he supposed to be your Prince, wasn't he supposed to make all your dreams come true?  

In the beginning it was all Rose Petals and Romance.  All Hopes, Dreams and Love's True Dream.

Now? You're Flatlining and what you need is CPR.  

Creative Personal Research: 5-steps to waking up from a relationship coma.

1.  What's the Story?

Write down what your fantasy relationship looks like.  You know, the one you've been telling yourself since you were a little girl.  The fairy story where you get to live happily ever after.  If everything was going well it would be like what? What is your Fairytale?  How does the Princess spend her days?  What does her castle look like - full of beautiful things, well-behaved children, a dashing Prince?  How does her Prince look after her?  Does he protect her and slay any Dragon that threatens her happiness?

2.  Get Real.

What is actually going on in your life now?  Are you living the Dream or have you become the Dragon your Prince is trying to fight?  Is your life full of enchantment, flowers and Romance?  Or is there silence, misery and coldness at the heart of your relationship?  

3.  Take a Break.

One of the best things I did in my marriage was leave.  We were living overseas and I realised I was living a life that didn't include my needs and desires and pretty soon it wouldn't include the kids either as they would have had to go to boarding school to maintain their education.  I awoke from my coma and thought 'this wasn't what I signed up for'.  I realised I was living the wrong life and took the courageous step of reclaiming myself and moving back to the UK to embark on a life that included me.  I remember clearly saying to my husband 'I'm not leaving you, but I am leaving this life'.  

We're celebrating our 32nd anniversary later this month!

I'm not saying leave - but I am advocating that you break out from your coma.  Wake up to your old self and explore the life you had before you became bogged down in relationship.  What were you like before you met?  What were your passions, your hobbies, your dreams?  Did you paint, did you love to read for hours on end?  Did you have wild adventures? Did you laugh like crazy with your girlfriends?  Its time to reclaim those lost parts of yourself and introduce them back into your life - they're what made you irresistible in the first place and they contain the magic to make your relationship fizz!

4.  Stop Fooling Yourself.

Still not sure you've lost your way?  Here are some signs:

1.  You think of something you'd love to do and then immediately come up with reasons why you can't.

2.   You cook his favourite food and never stock the house with the foods you love.  

3.  You spend most of your days wearing clothes that are 'comfortable' and 'practical'.  

4.  You'd never fit those other clothes anyway - you feel too fat, too old, too past-it.

5.  You're fed up most days, some days you feel so dissatisfied you'd even bite your own face off. 

6.  You're scared that any kind of personal enquiry will open a can of worms, so you do anything for an quiet (coma-like) life.

5.  Get Going.

Like they they say on the emergency drill on the plane, place your oxygen mask on first.  

Then you'll be able to breathe life back into the relationship.  A divorce lawyer is very expensive therapy. Find a community of like-minded people, do a course in something that inspires you, that makes you smile, that brings you joy.  Get the support and encouragement you need to help you awaken to life and love again.

How big is your Brave?

You know when you have a really good idea and then all the doubt and fear come creeping in, eating away at your confidence and courage?  Me too!  I’ve just scared the life out of myself by having a wonderful idea, a huge vision for the future.

So you know what I did?  I downloaded the song ‘Brave’ off iTunes (okay it took some time ‘cos I’d forgotten my password), played it full blast in my kitchen and danced my socks off.  The dog loved it – even my husband was impressed!  Its going to be a PowerBoost song for the times when I feel doubt and fear overtaking me and I’m definitely playing this Saturday at the workshop, cos that’s when I’m going to be working on my new, crazy, amazing, exciting idea.

There are a couple of places left if you want to join in the creative playtime this weekend.


Watch the video, crank up the volume and dance.  I dare you to not laugh and cry at the same time.

As it says in the song, show me how big your Brave is!

Love is in the air!

I recently spent a glorious sunny morning making hydrosols from the Roman Chamomile (anthemis

Roman Chamomile

nobilis) and rose-scented geranium (perlagonium graveolens) harvested from my garden.

I love the fact that even in the deep winter I will be able to go to my very own Apothecary Store and bring out amazing therapeutic waters to use at home, in the office and with clients.

I use the hydrosols in a diffuser to create a calm, soothing atmosphere in my treatment rooms, it is also wonderful to use in a spray for an anxious child.

One client kept the lavender hydrosol mist spray I made for her in the car for the school pick up, creating a calm space for the kids to off-load stress.  It's proved so popular all her children now have their own bottles - and one has all her friends at school asking for some!  I love the fact that children are discovering the gentle power of natural aids to well-being.

My 'Muji' Diffuser

Another client going through chemo uses her hydrosol spray to settle her when she feels fearful and has found it also  helps her with the nausea.

Being a big advocate of the power of dreams, I've also blended a Sleep Mist to help create a relaxing, calm environment for deep sleep.

Hydrosols can be added to lotions, skin products (rosewater face mask!), soaps and laundry. These therapeutic waters are gentle and safe to use with children and babies. plus they can be used in food dishes and even cocktails (quite keen on trying the martini recipe I've found)!  I'm also having fun at the moment researching and developing products for babies in anticipation of my first grandchild!

The Apothecary is open!

They used to be thought of as the by-product of making essential oils and were often disregarded as waste after harvesting the oil that gathered on the surface of the water.  Recent research however, along with some ancient texts has confirmed the healing properties in the water soluble aromatic compounds contained in the plants.

Making hydrosols from my own chemical-free plants is one of my favourite things to do in the world.  As I watch the process unfold and breathe in the amazing aroma of each distillation I am filled with gratitude and wonder for the natural world.

So when you come to the Relationship Training Centre, you'll know by the gentle aroma that love really is in the air!

Who is leading your relationship? And is it going in the right direction?

We were on Module 4 of Family@Heart last night, entitled 'Can we talk?'.  Last week we did 'I'm all ears' exploring the many different ways of listening - which set us up beautifully for this week's module on communication.

We did some amazing group exercises, working on places where relationships get stuck and there were many 'aha' moments as the evening unfolded.

All relationships get stuck, its what happens, but that's just the surface event.  Discovering why and what to do about it requires a little more work and a bit of courage.  The work is around understanding the hidden dynamics that are running and the courage is being willing to be the one to change things.

'Why do I have to be the one to do all the work in the relationship?' is a cry I often hear.  My answer is always 'because you are the leader of the relationship'.  Leadership in relationship doesn't mean being the boss or in control, it means being willing to learn and grow in order to lead the relationship to a better place.

Resolving a problem in a relationship has three stages.

1.  Talk about it with the other person - if its sorted easily, job done.

2. If that just turns into another argument (the familiar dance of relationship death) then the next stage is to work on yourself.  Not give yourself a hard time, or give up on yourself - but begin your own inner work on self-worth and confidence.

3. With greater confidence and understanding you will be equipped with tools to go back and communicate more effectively, plus you'll have more inner- strength and self-belief to handle any outcome.

One of the biggest 'aha' moments for the group last night was the realisation that when there is a problem the most powerful and effective route to resolution is to get to the deepest feeling - and when they did so they recognised that it was exactly how the other person is feeling too.

Learning how to do this is a group and practising the skills in a safe, supportive environment has really boosted their confidence and given them the courage to communicate at a whole new level.  That's Leadership.

Next Family@Heart starting September.  Join the revolution!

5 Daily Habits for Successful Relationships

Simple principles to help your relationship flourish.

1.     Commit to the relationship!
There is an art to commitment, it doesn’t mean just sticking around.  Commitment simply means making the other person’s success and well-being as important to you as your own.  Doing so creates an environment where problems and difficulties are more easily addressed.   Committing to the process of mutual understanding and forgiveness, no matter how many conversations it takes or how uncomfortable it gets, makes a relationship a safe place to deal with anything that comes up.

2.  Communicate openly and honestly.

When we feel something strongly and either don’t have the courage or the know-how to express it, it puts the relationship under strain.  To be open and honest you have to research how you are feeling and learn to communicate it skillfully. Telling the truth doesn’t need to be unkind but withholding information can also be used to wound another. Honest and open communication is a life-long learning process and strengthens the relationship.

3. Learn the art of forgiveness.

Blame and criticism erode the relationship. You may not be aware of being critical or complaining, although you may be aware of it in your partner! Remember, it takes two to run a cycle of blame and complaint, but only one to break it.  Find new and creative ways to communicate what does and doesn’t work for you, and take full responsibility for what is going on for you within the relationship.   You can change virtually anything you want in the relationship by breaking your own patterns and cycles.  

4.  Do things that make you happy.

Its time to get a life!  By doing things that you find stimulating and fulfilling you create you feel inspired, which brings fresh energy and life to the relationship. Everyone needs something that gives them meaning, that motivates them and gives them purpose.  Making the other person your reason for living is like being an emotional vampire, you'll suck the relationship dry!  We all have to find our own unique contribution and feel fulfilled by it and trying to find validation through our partner’s achievements will only lead to feelings of inadequacy or resentment, which erode trust and confidence. 

5. Express your appreciation.

Never assume your partner knows how you feel, it is important for you and for them that it is communicated. When expressing appreciation make it genuine, personal and specific to the other person and do it as often and as creatively as you can! It may be something you say, something you do or even something you stop doing, but letting someone know how much you appreciate them could make their day - and yours.

If you need support working on these daily habits, why not try a Family@Heart course?  It's a great way to help you put these principles into action.  New courses starting in September. Contact me to book your place.

Creating Space

Paints, pens, stamps and stickers and stuff!

We had a blast at the Summer Loving workshop last Saturday.  A group of us gathered around a treasure chest of lovely stationery supplies to rediscover the art of play.

Creativity to me meant being good at drawing and painting but art lessons at school had felt like a form of torture. I really tried to make the marks on my paper resemble the bowl of fruit in front of me but it always felt utterly hopeless, especially when I saw how amazing the drawings by the people around me were.

The 'art scars' we pick up in childhood run very deep and do a great deal of damage to our spirit.   They can continue to hinder our ability to express our true nature and certainly undermine our confidence around creativity.  Creativity is actually an essential part of us, a vital expression of our authentic self and closely related to our relationship to passion, joy, power, sexuality and abundance!

Also, making time for creativity and doing something just for you is not only good for your health and well-being - its good for those who live with you! Research by relationship experts Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks found that just one hour of creative self-expression a week is enough to bring vital energy back into a relationship.

Over the last 18 months I have been doing a great deal of personal research into creative self-expression.  I started by learning to up-cycle furniture using Annie Sloan Chalk Paint .  Because the goal was to create a 'shabby chic' look the process was very forgiving, so mistakes were integral to the look!

I honestly feel that having permission to make mistakes let the creative genie out of the lamp.  It allowed me to overcome my fears and now I've thrown the lamp away now so the genie is free to explore.

One of the ways I get to enjoy my creative journey is through sharing.  I love learning new skills but nothing gives me more joy than to then share it with others.  Its like being infected with a really fun bug and giving it to your friends so that you can bunk off school together!  That's why I've developed the Creating Space workshops -  to create more space for play!

What can you do to let your genie out? Come and play!

Fighting for Love

Couples don't have hundreds of arguments they just have the same argument hundreds of different ways.  It can start with a silly domestic about the washing up or who put the empty milk carton back in the fridge and then suddenly, like a forest fire, get out of control, fanned by hurt and fuelled by any unresolved emotional litter lying between you.

A relationship heartbreak in the early days is like hairline fracture; it hurts but it doesn't stop you loving one another because you're powered by the passion and attraction of the 'Honeymoon' energy.  However,  when the relationship moves into the next phase of growth - the Power Struggle  - the fracture makes itself felt. A stumble or falter in the relationship suddenly sparks the pain of that earlier hurt and you find yourself hurting twice over.

By the time you get to the next phase - the Dead Zone -  the damage done by those unhealed injuries undermine the stability of the relationship and result in a catastrophic breakdown.

However, there is another way.

All relationships carry the burden of unresolved heartbreaks.  Some will be from the relationship itself, many you will have brought from your past.  Learning how to identify which is which and addressing the emotions you try to hide from yourself or your beloved is a vital practice for a healthy, strong relationship and will take you to the next level of relationship - Partnership.

You know that old joke '"How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" "Practice, Practice"'?  Its the same for Partership.  Practice in relationship means commitment to communication and learning how to talk about emotions.  Practice doesn't make perfect, practice makes Love, so that when something imperfect surfaces it can be met with compassion and be healed.

Relationships are the breeding ground for pain and joy.  It takes emotional courage, honesty and good communication skills to open up the subject of old hurt in a relationship and to work through all the phases of the issue.  However in doing so you each get back something of yourself you'd lost all those years ago, and create space for greater love, partnership and intimacy.

So what are you really fighting for?

Need help working this out? Relationship Training helps you make sense of what is going on and gives you the tools you need to do something about it.   Contact Kim for more details.

Would it kill you to be nice?

Yes, actually, it would!  And while we're about it, I would like to ban the word nice from the dictionary.

Call me 'nice' and you may as well describe me as 'kinda blah' and I don't belive anyone has come to be that; we've all come to be amazingly, fabulously, daringly, wholeheartedly ALIVE - just like we were as kids.

As far as I'm concerned being nice means smiling through gritted teeth whilst hiding resentment, passion, rage, creativity, fear, joy and wild abandon - all the things that are part of truly living.

Being TRUE - now you're talking.  Being honest with nyself about how I'm feeling, being honest with others about what is going on - that's where things come alive.  I don't mean beating others up with blame, judgment or criticism, I don't mean 'speaking my truth'  (a cover-all justification for dumping bad feelings on others).  I mean being open and honest and willing to be vulnerable.  I mean having the courage to speak up about what's not working and being willing to be part of the solution.

In the story The Emperor's New Clothes the little boy who declares 'the Emperor's naked!' is a Truth speaker.  He names what is going on not because he wants to shame the Emperor, but because he can see the truth

Now if the Emperor wanted to be naked, that's one thing.  Someone could have explained to the child that this was how things were going to be from now on and the Emperor was leading the way.  But no, no-one wanted any fuss, no-one wanted the Emperor to get upset, people were intimidated by the tricksters who'd shown their Emperor up as a fool and no-one was going to go there for fear of the consequences.  So everyone was NICE - and shushed the child up!

That's how it happens.  That's how we learn to be nice.  As children we are sensitive, we feel it when things don't fit together.  If we say something that exposes the truth, that upsets the people around us and they don't want to address what's going on, we get told that we're wrong, that we've misunderstood, that we're stupid.  And we believe them because they're the adults, they know stuff.

Feelings are never wrong.  They may not be processed well, they may be difficult to communicate, but I will always trust feelings over what is said.  It makes life messy at times, but it also makes it much richer, alive and full of possibility.

Relationships die in the world of nice, where no-one wants to talk about the real issues.  Eventually the hard conversations are had in the heated furnace of an argument where they do terrible damage and everyone gets hurt.

You may need to practice being true, you'll probably need to work on your delivery.  You may need a bit of guidance to understand how to communicate what you're really feeling, but the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort of learning new skills.  You'll get back all that amazing, bubbling, fizzing enthusiasm for life you had as a kid and you will light up the world, just like you promised!

Don't be nice, be true.  You're amazing when you're true.

Summer Loving

Do you long to be more creative but lack the confidence, or don't believe you have the talent?  Then I've got something for you: Creative Journalling.

Come and spend a fun morning discovering a gentle way to explore creativity and self development.  Its an easy way to give yourself permission to open up and learn to play again.  Plus you'll learn some great techniques for handling stress that could help the whole family.

If you have a soft spot for stationery shops, haberdasheries and craft supplies - this workshop will give you a whole new reason to visit those temples of creativity!

No previous artistic experience required, all you need is curiosity and enthusiasm!

Summer Loving: create the best summer ever.
Saturday June 14th, 2014  9.30 - 12.30  £35
Limited places so book early to reserve your place!

Granny Calling

There were women who were already grandmothers, some about to be first-time grannies and some younger women still busy with their own children - all of us gathered to learn Pregnancy Massage.

Us first-timers were sharing our excitment about the forthcoming grandchild and the more experienced grannies were singing the joys of being a grandparent - and we all empathised and encouraged the mothers still bringing up their children.

As we chatted  it reminded me of the traditions I'd read about of an ancient tribe where, when a pregnant woman in the community was getting close to her time, the female elders would gather and make preparations for the forthcoming baby.

Together the women would weave a basket for offerings to be placed once the baby arrived, they would prepare the space where the birth would take place and as they went about their sacred tasks they would sing,  all the time calling out to the baby to let it know they were thinking about it, that the whole community was getting ready.

They'd sing to the baby expressing their excitement about its imminent arrival, telling it not to be afraid and that they would be there to greet it.  They'd sing of the things they were doing to prepare for it's arrival - getting everything ready, making sure the mother had all she needed for the birth.  Filled with love and wisdom they would reassure the baby that they would keep singing until it arrived safely, asking it to take care on the journey.

Whether its with massage, personal coaching or training I like to feel that  my work allows me to be part of that ancient tradition.  And I also feel it is also something we can do for ourselves.

Acknowledging your vulnerability and creating a loving, supportive environment around it can make all the difference.  Imagine if you lovingly 'sang' to a vulnerable part of yourself, reassuring it that you were going to do everything you could to make sure it felt safe enough to take part in your life?

What would happen if you acknowledged the tender part of you that has yet to arrive?  And what would change if you let the older, wiser, more tolerant part of yourself prepare the ground for a vulnerable, wondrous new part of you to show up?

If you want to be ready for a new phase of life, the next Family@Heart course starts 4th June or call me on 07789 408378  - come and join the community!

Heart to Heart

Did I mention I'm going to be a granny later this year?  

Watching my daughter blossom and bloom is wonderful and the whole family is getting very excited about their new responsibilities. 

As a Relationship Coach I know the importance of the mother/child relationship and as an Aromatherapist and Bowen Technique practitioner I understand how the mother’s physical and emotional well-being also affects her baby. 

So, inspired by my grandchild-to-be, I decided to further my  professional development  by training in pregnancy massage.  complementary therapies and pregnancy.

Helping pregnant women to relax and providing an environment for them drift off for an hour or so is a wonderful privilege.  I love knowing that as they relax and give time to themselves their heart rate settles, their breathing deepens and they provide their baby with a lovely nurturing, oxygen-rich environment too.  

They have a little heart-to-heart time.

I am now looking for 3 mums-to-be willing to be case studies.  This difficult task requires you to commit to 3 FREE massage sessions and give written feed back on the experience! If you'd like to participate please contact me by email or 07789 408378