Have you turned into your mother?

My friend, Fiona, alongside having a beautiful holiday cottage, is also the proud mother of six new chicks.  I'm no poultry expert, I just know that the eggs were placed in an incubator and one, caught in its shell like a child tangled in its pyjamas, had to be helped out by Fiona.  All of the chicks hatched successfully however, and now follow her around with a great deal of devotion and some sibling rivalry.

This attachment is called modelling - not the catwalk kind (although I have to admit those little chicks were looking very cute when I saw them) but the copying kind.  Young animals learn the tricks of their trade by modelling the adults that bring them up.

We humans do the same.  As children we learn how to walk, talk, relate to the world and, most importantly, build relationships from modeling the people around us.  It is an automatic download, it happens without us having to think consciously about it and then gets stored in our subconscious mind, powerfully controlling the levels of intimacy and connection we allow ourselves to have in all relationships.

As children we are open and sensitive to the nuances being played out in our parents' relationship.  Any vulnerability we experienced, any upset we witnessed, any rejection, heartbreak, humiliation or hurt we felt will be stored in our subconscious mind and influence our beliefs and thoughts about our own self, life and relationships.

How was your parents' relationship growing up? What model of relationship is your subconscious using a template?   Even though you vowed you wouldn't be like your mother, you'd get a career and marry a man who was the opposite of your father, years down the line do you look around you and realise that, whilst your life might look quite different on the outside, inside you now understand exactly how she felt?  If we have no successful relationship model to draw from, and no awareness of the deep programmes that run us, then what do we do when our life and relationship fall into the Dead Zone?

What does a healthy, successful relationship look like?  It is different for every couple, but the values and principles remain the same.  Commitment, Love, Respect, Laughter, Understanding, Communication, Forgiveness, Creativity... all the good stuff.

Photographs by Fiona Hackman

If you sense your relationship is not as good as it could be, but any conversation about it with your partner is met with rejection, then perhaps you would benefit from some relationship training?  Personal coaching in  relationship dynamics and effective communication skills could just the thing to help you start a whole new level of conversation.

Contact kim@relationshiptraining.co.uk or call 07789408378 for a chat.